Justin Bieber Is A Peen Implant-Having Credit Card Thief

Us Americans should really be thankful to live in a country where a mentally insane motherfucker can go to any court and file the crazed ramblings they wrote on the stained bed sheets in their room at the mental hospital. USA! TMZ says that a man from Michigan, who says he's Selena Gomez's biological father, is suing Justin Bieber for all kind so fuckery including boning a baby into "his daughter" on his Canadian bear rug and stealing his AMEX to buy a bigger dick. It gets better. TMZ read the entire masterpiece of a lawsuit and pulled out these shards of glitter from it:

-"Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug."

- "Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."

- "[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones."

- "Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. "

Yes, it's impossible for Bieber to get a penis enlargement since he has a crotch like a Cabbage Patch Doll, but I'm still going to choose to believe all of this, because it's the only way. And I'm also going to file my own lawsuit against Usher for copyright infringement, because that's how I celebrate Fourth of July every year.

Posted by: Michael K

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Justin Bieber • Made Of 100% Truthiness

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Submitted by Chrisantemus on Wed, 10/24/2012 - 1:40am.

It took a while for me to realize that Michael K hadn't made this whole thing up!

TOO TOO FUNNY!!

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THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Submitted by lislop on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 10:44pm.

Crazed looney!

Bieber still looks like a lesbian. Hehehe.

Submitted by Anita Bidet on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 9:52pm.

There's something sad about Selena. She rarely smiles in pictures/looks tired/annoyed/sad. And, I can't help but see bulimia face with her. The puffiness. Something's off.

she's extremely depressed i think

Submitted by dfanintheD on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 9:50pm.

This post gave me the best laugh I have had in ages.

Submitted by loopygorilla on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 9:04pm.

lol what a crazy mofo

Submitted by Anonymous101 on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 9:03pm.

I hate frivolous lawsuits, but there is nothing frivolous about this!! This man is an American hero and deserves a Medal of Honor!!

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Kitten Kaboodle - a Disney ho who did the ho stroll right ;)

Check out mah page, horz! ;)
https://www.facebook.com/OrderOfTheDimensions

Submitted by LettucePrey on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 8:06pm.

http://www.janetcharlton.com/justin-biebers-father-in-gay-porn-scandal/#...

Submitted by elmo533 on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 8:06pm.

"Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HIGHlarious. Emphasis on HIGH.

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"Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll".--MK

Submitted by mefunigirl on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 7:56pm.

*youtubes firework and laughs my ass off*

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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz

Submitted by Kandykane on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 7:31pm.

You know this lawsuit is full of shit when someone accuses a lesbian of knocking someone up and getting a peen implant.

***

"You wait. They gonna get everybody on twitter, facebook, doing everythin' online and then they gonna pull the PLUG and we all gonna be FUCKED!"

Submitted by beeharbour on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 7:17pm.

Soooo...you can actually file your crack-induced ramblings as a lawsuit without fear of legal repercussions? I'm all set to light up my pipe and sue William Fichtner's fine ass for $73,000,000,000,000 because he won't "date" me. My suit would actually have some merit because the allegations are 100% true. Maybe he's got really bad lawyers and he'd settle out of court. I'd be happy with either the date or one quarter of the cash.

"A man can look at a rhinoceros and still be able to think." Charles Fort

Submitted by Dog on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 6:46pm.

Don't you actually have to HAVE a penis to get one enlarged?

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

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Submitted by CokeyBloke on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 6:23pm.

Where can I buy cocaine wuth a credit card, please??

Submitted by dementa on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:33pm.

Well, it would totally be okay if he stole and used the dude's credit card to buy coke as long as they, like, did it at home or in a restaurant. But in a no-drugs school zone? UNFORGIVABLE!

Sticking a lit firework up his ass while singing a Katy Perry song? Um, was it consensual? I'm pretty sure that somewhere on the Intermanet you can find somebody who finds that a turn-on.

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by dementa on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:30pm.

Submitted by motherslittlehelper on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:58pm.

Well, my personal speculation is that her pregnancy and abortion were from a nasty lechey CEO, like with Jamie Lynn Spears (minus the abortion). And she's forced to pretend nothing happened, with the implication that it DID happen and that Beaver was the one who did.

I think nasty lechey CEO's are the reason so many child/tween stars are fucked up.

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by babybunny on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:26pm.

damn that was funny...but the firework in the anal area was the best...gotta love Amuricah!! What drug dealers takex credit cards? Damn, I need to find that man or woman cause I can do drugs now if that is the case!! yeah!! If Biebs got a penis enlargement that means it is now a #2 pencil or a #3 pencil???

Submitted by D.R. on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:17pm.

""Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."

The above is the best sentence ever written.

__________________________________________________
"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.

"Any guy who values stick thin and young over smarts and personality isn't worth it and has NOTHING interesting to say anyway."-- Mrs. Kravitz

Submitted by CashewTime on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:11pm.

Lol impertinent vixen, electrocuted cat is a perfect description.

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:59pm.

"Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."

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Hahahahahahhahahaha! This is how everyone should spend a Friday night!!!!!!! I feel like there's an explosive in my ass when Perry starts in with that electrocuted cat wailing she calls singing.

Seriously, how do lawsuits like this even see the light of day? My lawsuit complaining that Gerard Butler is failing to fuck me silly every night and day went NOWHERE, I tell you. NOWHERE. )_o

·...¸><((((º>·´¯`·. ¸.><((((º> .·´¯`·..·><((((º>
Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.

Submitted by can be a pushy broad on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:43pm.

That's a pretty big crinkle between his brows for someone so young.

Submitted by misslainey on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:29pm.

Baby, you're a fiiirreewooorkk! That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

Submitted by misslainey on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:29pm.

Baby, you're a fiiirreewooorkk! That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

Submitted by motherslittlehelper on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:28pm.

There's something sad about Selena. She rarely smiles in pictures/looks tired/annoyed/sad. And, I can't help but see bulimia face with her. The puffiness. Something's off.

Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:27pm.

Hey Twatty- the threads have been pretty heated around here today, but no worries! There's a new Jon Hamm junk post up now! Not at all coincidentally, I'm going to be away from dlisted for a bit tonight while I prep for an interview tomorrow :)

Submitted by Saphris on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:22pm.

this is amazing!!
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Lucifer_Sam: "Do you EVER post anything worthwhile on this site? Do you EVER have a point to make?" In case anyone else was wondering, the answer is "No."

Submitted by The Beaver on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:17pm.

Okay, complete waste of our judicial system's resources.

However, this is funniest fucking thing I've read in a long time..... I can't stop laughing at the Usher thing...

Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:12pm.

Hi Twatty! Aren't these lawsuits ridiculous? They're thrown out and these people still make money selling their story to the tabs. That said, I'd stand with ya in a class action againt all of them, lol! How you doing?

@Justincase, "little Kunty-Vadge gloves" *dies laughing* HAHAHA AHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Submitted by justincase on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:06pm.

Check out his little Kunty-Vadge gloves.

Submitted by Twat Muffin on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:48pm.

I think there should be a class action lawsuit against Katy Perry, Bieber & Usher for every time we're forced to hear one of their shitty songs. Example: whenever I go into Kohl's (which is rare, I never find anything there), they always play that shitty Bieber song, "Baby." Sometimes they'll play it several times during my short visit. And I'd prefer to have a lit firecracker shoved up my ass than endure that shitastic song "Firework." At least I might get some sort of thrill from the lit firecracker.

Within, miz cynical -- hey, babes!

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"I'm from Chicago, bitch!"

Submitted by oh dave on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:44pm.

Submitted by mitchyul on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 4:42pm.
In the picture it looks like he is taking a dump in his pants, or dying.

_____________________

The headlines to that would be awesome. Bieber Shits Pants! Dies!

Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:44pm.

M.E. - ahh, that explains it :)!

Submitted by Aphid on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:43pm.

Too funny. How did he know it was on the Canadian bear rug?

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That's a very expensive chardonnay you're not drinking...

Submitted by oh dave on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:41pm.

p ditty is going to be furious this came out.

Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:33pm.

Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 5:02pm.
I also didn't realize that abortions cost $426.78. Such an exact number. Not $430 or $450. $426.78. Interesting.
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The $26.78 was for after procedure script for pain meds.

Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:32pm.

Considering you can buy the credit card accessory for the iPhones....why can't dealers accept credit cards now? LMFAO!

OH THE POSSIBILITIES WITH TECHNOLOGY AT OUR FINGER TIPS!

Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:32pm.

I also didn't realize that abortions cost $426.78. Such an exact number. Not $430 or $450. $426.78. Interesting.

Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:30pm.

Wow. If Bieber used a credit card to buy cocaine, than that means that there are..drumroll, please...RECEIPTS! R.I.P. Whitney. Someone finally made a case that dealers can provide receipts and she's not even around to say 'told you so'.

Submitted by bourgie on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:29pm.

I want Nancy Grace to take this case and present it to Judge Judy on tv. Ratings gold!

Submitted by sinjin on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:25pm.

"[Bieber] ...Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones."
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Hey! Don't be giving Hohan any ideas. Hide yo credit cards!

Submitted by winniwins on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:24pm.

Who hasn't had a firework in the butt?

Submitted by Rosemary Young on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:21pm.

Drug dealers take credit cards now? How customer-friendly!

Submitted by Ninne on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:20pm.

Usher's role in all this was my favourite part. Oh, and Katy Perry's too. That shit song Firework already sodomizes my ears, no dick required. Fucking torture.

But is he suing Usher too? What about P Diddy? I mean, coke use at a "drug free school zone", that's got to be a crime somewhere in there, right? And is there a "drugs allowed" school zone? Cause I'm enrolling my kids there (when I have them).

Submitted by mitchyul on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:12pm.

In the picture it looks like he is taking a dump in his pants, or dying.

Submitted by agirl on Tue, 10/23/2012 - 3:07pm.

"Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."

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This happened to a friend of mine in college (not this year but it was the 4th of July). True story. I saw it with my own eyes. He didn't sue anyone though, because he LOVED IT.