Florida Won’t Let Christian Slater Be Great

It took Christian Slater 4 hours of waiting to vote on Election Day, but he voted in Miami. Christian gave himself a pat on the taint for being a responsible American and all that. But then a few weeks later, The Miami-Dade County canvassing board let a bitch know that masturbating with a banana peel for 4 hours would’ve been a better use of his time than standing in the voting line for 4 hours, because his vote didn’t count. Christian’s signature didn’t match the signature they have on file, so they put an X over his votes. Yes, they did Christian Slater like that.

Christian tweeted a picture of the letter today. And here’s the tweets about his Voting Day Drama on November 6th:

Every vote count…except for Christian Slater’s. I know, I know, this is BREAKING NEWS and yet another nugget for our overflowing “Florida” file. But I brought it up, because I really feel that from now on we should refer to Christian Slater as “Christina D. Slater.” It has a much better ring to it. Saying “Christina D. Slater” makes me lift my shoulders while winking.

Source: Buzzfeed via HuffPo

Night Crumbs

Jessica Simpson’s daughter has already mastered the “step off ” glare and it’s going to come in handy for when she’s a big sister – Popsugar

Katie Holmes is wearing the fanciest bib I’ve ever seen – Lainey Gossip

Thanks to the crazy pro-Romney and anti-gay marriage letter she wrote, Jane Pitt is finally getting an Angie-less Christmas this year – Celebitchy

How did Katie Price not immediately burst into flames from the side-eye and pout the bronzed unicorn on the right is throwing? – Hollywood Tuna 

Is a Sofia Vergara and Sharon Stone sex scene a straight dude and lesbian’s wet dream or wet nightmare come to life? – The Superficial 

The only thing I got from the trailer for the second season of Girls is that during my ravers days I had that same yellow tank top Lena Dunham is wearing. I hate how the Internet makes you admit shit you wished you forgot about – Towleroad

Oh, how I wish this was Evan Longoria in lingerie instead – Drunken Stepfather

TWIST! Today’s episode of “Hilary Duff Walks To Her Car” won’t be seen so that we can bring you a very special episode of “Hilary Duff Walks AWAY From Her Car” – Popoholic

Jessica Biel is probably going to be a serial killer when she grows up – IDLYITW

Is #19 wearing panties made of pubes? I still would – The Berry 

And somewhere in her prenup, I’m sure Miley Cyrus will state that she’s willing to give up full custody of Billy Ray Cyrus – ICYDK

To think, only a few years ago this headline would’ve read: Sienna Miller – I Would Wreck A Marriage Every Day! – Just Jared 

Um, I’ve been sending Christmas card farts for years – OMG Blog 

Even the side-eyes come in bulk at Costco – Crunk + Disorderly

Are we sure this isn’t Jenelle from Teen Mom? – Hollywood Rag

Something to hold you over until the Honey Boo Boo Christmas Special – Cityrag

Even Isla Fisher is embarrassed by Sacha Baron Cohen – I’m Not Obsessed

Cut to 9 months later when Wonky McValtrex gives birth to a lazy-eyed troll wearing a diamond grill – Celebslam

The legendary butter dance gets the Adele treatment – Videogum

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

This actor is B- list or even C+ list but almost everyone knows who he is because of who he has dated. He has tried to date women but it just is not satisfying for him or the women. He generally finds one woman he can be great friends with and makes it last and last. There are no short term things. When you talk to him there is a lot of bitterness about his past and people he feels took advantage of him and his sexual preferences. He says his relationship with this A list all movie actor was instant and “torrid.” Whenever they could find a moment they were all over each other. He says the A lister told him it was the first time he seriously considered coming out and that he was falling in love with our C lister.

For months they were inseparable. The A lister then introduced the C lister to another A lister all movie who also was struggling with his own sexual preferences but was equally attracted to men and women but took an instant liking to our C lister and started having sex with him on a regular basis, but only when the A lister was out of LA and could be more private. Both of the A listers were using the C lister on a regular basis and the first A lister continued to profess his love for the C lister and said that he was going to help the C lister with his career and to just stick with him. As part of the help though, he needed the C lister to stay in the background and soon they would be together.

So, the C lister did not work as much as he could have and for several years did not have any work because his job was to keep his A lister happy. Then one day, the A lister said that there were too many rumors about the pair and the A lister was leaving and that the C lister was never to call him again and gave him a check for $100K. Our C lister had been cruising to B list or A list status and now had no prospects and had given up because of promises made. It took him a year before he could get work again and now he never misses the opportunity to talk about how they used him. (CDAN)

Today seems like as good of a day as any for the short comeback of the “Austin Nicholas and Jakey Gyllenhaal are licking each other’s asses” rumor, so that’s my guess. Austin Nicholas for the C-lister? Jake Gyllenhaal for the first A-lister? And I have no clue who the second A-lister could be. Who has Taylor Swift “dated” recently?

This Real Housewife has had sex with so many guys that she is one degree of separation away from every other version of the show except New Jersey,. She slept with a guy who has slept with a woman on Beverly Hills. She has slept with a guy who has slept with a woman in New York. She has slept with a guy who has slept with a woman in Orange County and has done the same in Atlanta and Miami. Only New Jersey has somehow managed to escape her attempt to be the sexual Kevin Bacon of Real Housewives. (CDAN)

La Bruja from The Real Housewives of Miami, obviously. No man can resist her black magic goodness. Or it could be Brandi from RHoBH or Joanna “Super Whore” Krupa (copyright: Adriana) from RHoMiami.

This female B list host of an A list very hit reality show has found her new conquest. A very married A list politician. (CDAN)

Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef and Chris Christie?

What A+ list all movie actress is finally getting a chance to explore with women which is something she has always wanted to do. While on the set she met someone who changed her life and the pair have continued to explore, although not as much as they did while filming. The actress is not going to leave her significant other for the woman, although he has said that he feels threatened by this new version of the actress. He does say she is nicer than she has ever been before. (CDAN)

Please tell me it’s Halle Berry!

Which celebrity left his girlfriend shocked when she found he had attached sex toys to their toilet? (The People via Blind Gossip)

Instead of using my brain to guess the answer for this blind item, I’m going to use it to sketch the prototype for a dildo toilet seat.

This famous actor has always come across as a good guy, a good husband, and a good father. It’s hard to imagine him as anything but a good guy. Well, we have a little story that may dispel that notion.

When he was married to this famous actress, he was not exactly faithful. When he traveled on business, he liked to pick up random women.

He would go to a local bar, check out the women, and select one for the evening. His woman of choice usually looked like Brigitte Nielsen in her prime: six feet tall, with short, blonde hair. Basically, someone who looked exactly the opposite of his wife.

When he took the girl back to his hotel room, he never wanted to have regular intercourse. It was all backdoor action for him. No, the fact that he was married with children at the time didn’t seem to be a factor at all in his decision to have unprotected sex with a random stranger.

Both he and his ex-wife have moved on, but we do wonder if she knew about his constant cheating. We also wonder if he cheats on his current wife. Why? Because she doesn’t look like Brigitte Nielsen either! (Blind Gossip)

Bruce Willis? And now everyone on the set of The Expendables 2 knows why Dolph Lundgren’s trailer rocked hard every time Bruce Willis came by for some afternoon tea.

Open Post: Hosted By The Moment A Guy Found Out That He’s A Powerball Jackpot Winner

Today, my beloved Uncle Mark and my beloved Aunt Sandy (I AM related to them somehow, I just know it!) accepted a check for $293,750,000 from Lottery officials for having one of two winning Powerball tickets. After taxes, they’ll get around $136.5 million. Yes, Ancestry.com just crashed, because we’re all on there to confirm that we’re Uncle Mark and Aunt Sandy’s niece or nephew.

The second winning ticket was bought in Arizona and the winner hasn’t stepped forward yet, but apparently the winner is a dude from Maryland. Surveillance footage from a gas station in Maryland shows a guy walking in to check his lottery ticket. The clerk checks the ticket, which was bought in Arizona, and dude starts freaking out. Then he asks everyone if all six numbers match. We’re not only possibly watching a lucky ho find out that he’s just won more money than he knows what to do with, but we’re also watching several people contemplate hitting him over the head with a blunt object, grabbing his ticket and running off to the local lottery office to collect the winnings in unmarked bills. You’re not supposed to tell everyone you just won! That’s now how you do it. You’re supposed to quietly slip away and go home to delete your Facebook account, quit your job, quit your family, disconnect all your telephone lines and disappear. #getmoneyandrunbitch

I don’t know if dude is wearing a work uniform or not, but either way, he should use some of his winnings to buy the company that makes that outfit. Because that IS the look.

Lindsay Lohan Is Drinking All The Vodka

Lindsay Lohan’s assistant Gavin Doyle dramatically quit yesterday morning after she kicked him out of her SUV and he immediately jumped on Twitter to tell her to get help. Everyone assumed by “help” he meant “REHAB!” But one of LiLo’s lawyers Mark Heller says that alcohol never touched her lips the morning she punched one of Dionne Warwick’s psychic friends. Well, TMZ is basically calling Mark Heller a liar, because they say LiLo was drunk on booze when she fisted that psychic in the face, because she’s always drunk on booze.

Several sources tell TMZ that for the past few months, LiLo wakes up in the morning, pours vodka in her coffee cup, brushes her teeth with vodka, gargles with vodka, cleans her pits out with vodka, fills her neti pot with vodka and buttchugs vodka. LiLo starts drinking vodka in the morning and keeps drinking vodka throughout the day. LiLo guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day. Either I prolapsed again or my liver just slipped out of my ass after I typed “guzzles down as much as 2 liters of vodka a day.”

LiLo’s friends (and even Michael Lohan) have all thrown up their arms and given up on trying to help her, because she won’t listen to them and becomes a real mean bitch when she’s drunk. LiLo’s daily drinking grew to SANTO DIOS proportions when her money and legal troubles got worse.

If LiLo keeps sucking down 2 liters of vodka a day, it won’t be long before most of her internal organs raise a white flag and/or the entire vodka industry tells us that there’s a vodka shortage. Should I make A Vodka Message To Lindsay Lohan video or do you want to do it?

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of WTF

Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell’s furry tit pies and even the original Underwood, Blair Underwood, would make more sense as Maria than Carrie Underwood, but Carrie Underwood’s the one who got the starring role in NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music. Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the dudes who produce Smash, and NBC announced this morning that American Idol season 4 winner and country star Carrie Underwears will be SANGING to the von Trapp chirruns on NBC next December. NBC’s president said this in a statement to Playbill:

“Speaking for everyone at NBC, we couldn’t be happier to have the gifted Carrie Underwood take up the mantle of the great Maria von Trapp. She was an iconic woman who will now be played by an iconic artist.”

First Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, then Zoe Saldana as Nina Simone and now this? What’s next? Ruben Studdard as Aretha Franklin (I wish)? Hollywood is truly fucking with our emotions and they love it. But I’m still all for this casting and only because it probably pissed Taylor Swift off. Taylor just threw a mean mug at her cat and pushed away her plate of heart-shaped pancakes with heart-shaped strawberries on them. This is really going to drive Taylor into her Emo phase.

Hopefully, NBC country-fies all of their Sound of Music remake by casting Billy Ray Cyrus as Captain von Trapp, Dolly Parton as Mother Superior (I’m serious about that one), the Duggars as the von Trapp children and Kenny Chesney as Elsa.

Here’s Carrie Underwears singing “The Sound of Music” a few years ago: