What In The Hell Kind Of GD Makeup Is This?

There was this extremely hot veteran chola who worked in the front office at my mom’s job and almost every time I saw her gorgeous face, her lips were covered with skin-colored lipstick and dark brown lip liner, and her eyes were decorated with black liquid eyeliner and frosted eye white shadow. She was a Winter on top and a Fall on the bottom. That was her signature look. But one December, she told me that she wanted to debut a new face at the company holiday party and was going to spend one of her lunch hours getting her face glamoured up at one of the makeup counters at Robinsons-May. I used to go to my mom’s work after school and one afternoon I walked into the office and saw my veteran chola friend with a face that was painted up exactly the same way Kristen Stewart’s face was painted up for the AFI Festival screening of On the Road in L.A. last night. Dreadful.

She looked busted and I didn’t need to say it, because she said it for me. I think she said she looked like Witchy Poo (which was kind of funny since her signature look was kind of Witchy Poo-ish) and that she looked like she was going to a funeral, her funeral. If I didn’t know she spent her lunch hour experimenting with her beauty, I’d just assume that she got kinky with her man and let him suck on her eyelids. Those were some hickey eyes and I wanted to hand her a frozen spoon. That taught my veteran chola friend to never ever stray away from frosted white eye shadow again.

And if a veteran chola can’t pull off that look, then Kristen Stewart definitely can’t.

Here’s more of KStew, Garrett GiveMeHedlund and Amy Adams at last night’s screening. Even though KStew’s outfit fits like a Trojan Magnum on a pencil dick, I still like it. It’s very Jody Watley back-up singer.