Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Is A Gourmet Wonderland
Thanks to Applebee's, Dave and Buster's, Dallas BBQ, Chevys, Red Lobster and Olive Garden, Times Square is the culinary capital of New York City and now it's the culinary capital of the world. Times Square can thank Guy Fieri (born name: Guy Ferry, which sounds like the name of John Travolta's boys, booze and blow jobs cruise) for making that happen, because that's where he opened his three-story, 500-seat gourmet emporium called Guy's American Kitchen & Bar. The New York Times reviewed Guy's latest mess of an eating place and the review is full of so much gold that I just want to slather it with donkey sauce, top it with SMC and eat it all. Let's start with the ingenious names for some of the gourmet dingles on Guy's menu:
- Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche
- Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders
- Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing
- Guy-talian Nachos
The Times' Peter Wells then went off and created a masterpiece of a review. Guy's food is just like him, it's gross, full of lard and putting your mouth on it will give you a never-ending case of the wet shits. That's what it did to Peter and he let it all out in his review. Here's just a few of his greatest hits:
- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
- When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?
- What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?
- Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?
- Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?
ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.
SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.
SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes.
Guy's restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That's like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you'd find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls. And donkey sauce? Sauce that goes on food shouldn't make me think of Fear Factor.
Guy's restaurant sounds the kind of place where you'd pull a bleached hair out of your food and wonder if it came from the nutsack on top of his neck or the nutsack on his crotch. As temping as that sounds, I'll pass. I'll wait until Sandra Lee opens her own restaurant. It'll be a giant tablescape and the only thing she'll serve will be an economy-sized bottle of vodka and melted Otter Pops and Lemon Fresh Clorox for mixers.
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Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 6:24pm.
hahaha! There's a 5 Guys right by where I work and it's the coworker's burger joint of choice for lunches. The burgers are just OK but they do give you a shit ton of fries, I'll give 'em that.
You're in Bergen County New Joisey? That's my old hood ;)
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Yes honey! I live in Hackensack honey! Honey!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Submitted by Event Horizon on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 6:25pm.
"If Ed Hardy fucked a Juggalo, the product would be Guy Fieri"
/changes underwear. who said that?!
other than the fact that he put my friends' restaurant on DDD i try to forget that this asshole exists
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Was just telling my bf about this awful review. Just curious, because I know nothing about him but why all the hate for Guy Fieri, besides his douchey appearance?
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Was just telling my bf about this awful review. Just curious, because I know nothing about him but why all the hate for Guy Fieri, besides his douchey appearance?
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Use goodsearch instead of google. Each time you search, you can donate money to your favorite charity without having to spend any money yourself! Spread the word.
Was just telling my bf about this awful review. Just curious, because I know nothing about him but why all the hate for Guy Fieri, besides his douchey appearance?
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Use goodsearch instead of google. Each time you search, you can donate money to your favorite charity without having to spend any money yourself! Spread the word.
"If Ed Hardy fucked a Juggalo, the product would be Guy Fieri"
b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b
"I'm doin hoe activities, with hoe energy. Hoes are my friends, hoes are my enemies."
Submitted by suckandfuck on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:24pm.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:04pm.
I just recently went to Bobby's Burger Palace. It was OK but not as good as BGR or Kraze, the other burger joints around here. It is better than 5 Guys though, I'll give him that.
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honey there is one by me in Paramus honey and ya know the burger is great honey but ya know, the potato chips on the burger, honey I can do that at home and honey the fries ain't all dat, and honey don't knock 5 Guys down just to give Bobby Gay a boost honey, it's really unladylike, not afraid to say that to your face because everyone is thinking it, everyone, honey.
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hahaha! There's a 5 Guys right by where I work and it's the coworker's burger joint of choice for lunches. The burgers are just OK but they do give you a shit ton of fries, I'll give 'em that.
You're in Bergen County New Joisey? That's my old hood ;)
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
I cringe when I see him on the tele. His voice grates, and watching him eat on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives is so gross.
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I'm from Reno, bitch!
Just my 2 cents. ALL celebrity chefs should be fired. And I don't mean the good ones. This idiot. Definition of DOUCHE BAG. Look it up. Look it up GUY.
He looks like his breath would smell like rotten teeth and tonsil stones.
HAHAHAHAHA! They had this on NY1 this morning and Pat Kiernan was quite amused.
I like my own cooking best. We can't afford to eat out anyway, but on the rare occasions we do (when MIL treats or something), we all come home and drink gallons of water because the food is too salty and Mr. Hekki invariably goes to CVS for Tums.
The exception is Japanese food or other exotic ethnic stuff I can't make myself. Italian or French is a waste because I can do that in my own damn kitchen. And some desserts like macarons, because I can't be bothered with that ether.
oy vey everyone as a restaurant these days. FTV is crap. They don't have 'real' chefs on anymore. Just a bunch of fly by nights who throw together medicore chow.
I had the best meal of my life at Le Bernadin. Mr. Ripert is a GENIUS.
Cokeywhore - thank you for educating me... I read the plot summary in wiki, sounds like a good flick... lmao at failed gigolo. SOUNDS LIKE MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT THERE!!!
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
Oh this is the guy who would have a serious hissy fit if he wasn't warned about gay men being around him on shoots. He would always demand a pre- gay warning from his assistant or crew.
~
Blerg!!
Submitted by RLF on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:44pm.
From when I understand, Rick Bayless is there a lot and has very high standards for his places and everything coming out of his kitchens.
My dumb ass brother got a job at one of his places quite a few years ago either during or right after chef school. Dumb ass brother walked out after a few days because Rick himself told him what he was doing wasn't up to snuff. Talk about squandering an opportunity. Did I mention he's a dumb ass?
Submitted by JTROS on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:56pm.
I'm reading "midnight in the garden of good and evil" right now & every time I see one of sucky's posts I picture The Lady Chablis talking.
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oh honey as if I could ever reach a fraction of such beaming divinity, you're a charmer honey
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Submitted by elmo533 on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:57pm.
::logs off, calls Time Warner Cable::
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honey if that's the case you might already have it, I know Time Warner in New York carries The Cooking Channel honey, and it's not on a fancy package either honey
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Jack, "Joe Buck" is an American legend. And, yes, as you say, well regarded and loved. An American Cowboy, as he says in the film (Midnight Cowboy), but a little unsure of city life....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBy2MW-D9P8
Submitted by suckandfuck on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:48pm.
Submitted by elmo533 on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:47pm.
But they don't really play his show anymore.
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Honey you can find it on The Cooking Channel, I think it's Food Network's SISTAAAAA station!
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::logs off, calls Time Warner Cable::
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"Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll".--MK
YES! I read this review this morning and was soooo hoping it would end up here. This asshole was knighted in douchebaggery of the highest order and I HATE him. Fucking 1996 called and it want it's look back. The bad Yelp reviews of this "restaurant" are pure gold too.
I'm reading "midnight in the garden of good and evil" right now & every time I see one of sucky's posts I picture The Lady Chablis talking.
Also - not a fan of GF. I keep hoping he'll have a coronary during one of his DDD shows.
Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:41pm.
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:38pm.
SATC on HBO (none of that edited bs they show) was the shit! Love that show. That episode is hilarious. "...and colllld noodle. Same order everytime".
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Girl, you are one my favorite people.
Who the hell would think "Donkey Sauce" is a good name for any type of food? Really, unless it actually goes on a donkey, it's a crappy name.
Are Million Dollar Birthday Fries on the menu, too? Because everything sounds like it's taken from the episode of The Simpson's when Moe changed the bar to Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag.
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:34pm.
And this is coming from our equivalent to JOE BUCK.
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Never heard of him. I take it this JOE BUCK fellow is modest, well-educated, mild-mannered, and an all around great guy that devotes all his free time to helping the less fortunate of the world....
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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012
"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by elmo533 on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:47pm.
But they don't really play his show anymore.
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Honey you can find it on The Cooking Channel, I think it's Food Network's SISTAAAAA station!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Thx bambam. I only get 4 tv stations, so I depend on you people to maintain my cultural acuity.
Don't know how his name came up... but TEAM STEFON!
Food Network is a joke. They have all these "cooks" on now, and they don't have the slightest idea what they're doing (Guy, Rachel, Sandra, and Pioneer Woman--yes that's her name), yet they're the most popular. I do like Alton Brown. His show is part science experiment part cooking show. But they don't really play his show anymore. God forbid they not play 8 hour marathons of Cupcake Wars.
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"Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll".--MK
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:34pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 4:59pm.
While in NY if you choose to eat at Time Square you're a fuckin idiot.... pee. ree. ud.
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Truer words were never said.
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Reminds me of when Shaquille O'Neal said something, punctuated it with a period then spelled it "p.e.r.i.d., period."
And the media took him seriously!
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I love Jayzus but I drink a little.
Submitted by princesspoppy on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:35pm.
He was the bigger person by ignoring me hahaha. He is taller than I imagined him to be.
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
and ladies I think we can agree that In & Out is the one of the best fast food burgers out there, AM I RIGHT LADIES????????????????????????????
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
@ Tex: Submitted by TexnDoc on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:25pm.
Anybody watching The Next Iron Chef on Sundays? I am. They really picked a stale piece of white bread last season and they know they have to pick a woman, which they have never done. I like the 3 ladies left (the lesbian runner up from last season especially who is too sweet and fragile to be on this show) but I think roly-poly Alex Guanersherrioorwhatever is going to win. Watching her talk about her food like its people is too much, it's just food bitch.
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^Yasssss! I can't stand the faux modest Alex Guaraschelli. I mean, she's chewing through the set, let alone the food. You're good -- we know this: you're Zakarian's sous chef. But come on, girl, grown up.
I like the SF pastry chef (argh, forgot her name!) who was runner up, but I really like Amanda Freitag for the win.
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:38pm.
I remember that Miranda episode too!!! I used to order the same thing from the chinese restaurant myself. Kung pao tofu, vegetable lo mein and spring rolls. HAHAHAHA
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
Expensive "celebrity" restaurants are really only for foodies. I have been to a few in Chicago, and the only one that lived up to my expectations was the one owned by Rick Bayless. I think he counts as a celebrity. He seems like a nice guy. I saw him once in Xoco actually cooking the food and schmoozing next door the other time I was in Frontera.
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:38pm.
SATC on HBO (none of that edited bs they show) was the shit! Love that show. That episode is hilarious. "...and colllld noodle. Same order everytime".
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
Submitted by suckandfuck on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:33pm.
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Hands off Mango. I will cut a bitch. There's something about him, he stirs mah loins in a way they've never been stirred befoah.
Here's Stephon;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDcyvzJXWEk&feature=related
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I love Jayzus but I drink a little.
Speaking of delivery, I all too often feel like Miranda from SATC (shut it; I was about 25 when it was hot), and the scene where she orders Chinese and they guy on the phone knows her entire order. (those who know me here, shut your face re: comparisons)
Also: who's seen the Key & Peele where the fat guy orders a ton a food and pretends he's with a bunch of people. MY LIFE.
We have an unspoken rule: I tip 35%, and you keep you mouth shut.
My thoughts exactly. GF is an overweight 40 year old man-boy who acts and dresses like he's 12 years old.
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Guy's food is just like him, it's gross, full of lard and putting your mouth on it will give you a never-ending case of the wet shits.
He's stuck in late 90's Guido raver-mode.
Burger King rules, McDonald's is too posh for me and I couldn't care less about Gay Fairy.
Submitted by Paquita on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:32pm.
"You suck!" he kept on walking hahaha.
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Manners hahaha
@ Tonicbitch - do you live in Chicago? I was there recently for a business meeting...we went to this place called Trattoria No. 10. Heard of it? No celeb chef but it was so delish.
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
Anno & GG, I have a weakness for certain chefs. Throw in Bourdain while we're at it.
But GG, now I'll be thinking Eric is stewing up a hand next time I watch him cooking, lol.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 4:59pm.
While in NY if you choose to eat at Time Square you're a fuckin idiot.... pee. ree. ud.
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Truer words were never said.
And this is coming from our equivalent to JOE BUCK.
Am I the ONLY one who watched the first season of Next Food Network Star and remembers him as somebody who seemed shy, sweet and humble? What has he become?
Submitted by bambam on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:30pm.
One time, just one time, could you PLEEZE try to get on SNL with that guy who plays Stephon? Please? ;)
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We don't even know WHO Stephon is but we would love to be in an episode with MANGO!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Cue people flocking to this place now to see if it is as awful as promised. Excellent publicity.
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:27pm.
I hate few people. This barnacle, however, is one of them. Arrogant, ignorant, loud, condescending, reportedly racist/homophobic, and representing the most base level of Americana, he is the tipping point of what ruined Food Network.
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I hate him too. I saw him walking down the street in NYC around 4 years ago. I couldn´t help myself and I said "Hey Guy!", he was walking in my direction with another guy and a girl. When he looked my way like I was gonna say "I love you!" I just said "You suck!" he kept on walking hahaha.
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Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
Submitted by CokeyBloke on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:27pm.
I hate few people. This barnacle, however, is one of them. Arrogant, ignorant, loud, condescending, reportedly racist/homophobic, and representing the most base level of Americana, he is the tipping point of what ruined Food Network.
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oh honey what is that thing's name Sam something the one with the awful face, oh honey every time he appears on my TV I jump out the window! oh no wait it's Simon something, I can never stay in my apt. long enough to catch his name, I just spring out the window. Oh and honey who is that one guy the one with the restaurant surveillance show, honey I am from Jersey and even I can't stand him, the Robert guy from Restaurant Impossible on the other hand, honey he is lovely, don't you think he's lovely honey? Honey. I can't stand to watch the bleachy fat dyke on that network either, restaurant secrets, oh honey she's another one
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:24pm.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:04pm.
I just recently went to Bobby's Burger Palace. It was OK but not as good as BGR or Kraze, the other burger joints around here. It is better than 5 Guys though, I'll give him that.
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honey there is one by me in Paramus honey and ya know the burger is great honey but ya know, the potato chips on the burger, honey I can do that at home and honey the fries ain't all dat, and honey don't knock 5 Guys down just to give Bobby Gay a boost honey, it's really unladylike, not afraid to say that to your face because everyone is thinking it, everyone, honey.
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One time, just one time, could you PLEEZE try to get on SNL with that guy who plays Stephon? Please? ;)
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I love Jayzus but I drink a little.
Submitted by LaChaylo on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:22pm.
Take to me to Eric Ripert's Le Bernardin, though. I could hump that man until next week.
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Really LaChaylo? Eric always gives me this creepy serial killer vibe...like he has body parts in the freezer. I think its that smile of his.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012