As Jon Hamm And His Hammcock console each other....
Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People's way of telling us that all the other white men died.
The big difference between last week's contest and this week's contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn't even let us vote, really. They didn't even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever's publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! ("Um, so is the title of President, Michael" - my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log)
To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he's a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he's everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he's the kind of caveman who'd wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs' anal glands in the tub:
"My first thought was, 'Y'all are messing with me,'" says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. "I told Jenna after we'd been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they'd gotten skunked."
Says the actor: "She was like, 'What?'"
"Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now," he adds. And who can blame her?
The only way I'd completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words "The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal" and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security.
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You're right, Faloola - too big is pretty inconvenient. I guess 8" is good....and I don't mind if they don't know how to use it. They just need to bring it and I'll 'handle' the rest :-)
I just call him "CHUM" for short.
FAIL, People Mag. FAIL FAIL FAIL
His name should be Channing Tatum O'Neal. Because he looks like an O'Neal in that pic.
Wow, two for two, People. Last year the Smarmiest Man Alive, and this year the Dullard-iest Man Alive. The hell? These guys make Pitt seem like a cross between Stephen Hawking and Michelangelo's David.
And neither Gosling nor Hamm give a shit about this stupid cover.
Submitted by salacious on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 8:10pm.
Really, with that face??? And that body isn't even something that he can keep.
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Oh for sure, he doesn't even try between film shoots and porks out Janet-style. Sort of refreshing he isn't obsessed and can easily get it back but also a shame he can go sloppy. You can bet that will be a problem for him in the next few years.
Submitted by Scott in NYC on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 11:26pm.
The real measure of a man is the size of his penis. Basing hotness on face & body is pointless. Show me what really counts, please.
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Measure of a Man, wasn't that a Clay Aiken song? The writers must have been having a laugh there!
And I don't know, big peens only count on hot people who know how to use them. So many fugly guys are the ones with huge cox. Just no! And how big are you talking? You can have too much of a good thing as well. Maybe a good all rounder of all 3 factors you mentioned would be ideal.
Submitted by AlexDSSF on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 10:46pm.
Channing Tatum is hot, but no, the Sexiest Man Alive is either Brent Corrigan or Brent Everett. (Look them up and be amazed.)
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Well I suppose they could change their name to "Gay Porn Twinks Weekly"!
It makes sense, he had a great year and is now A-list, which they've been trying to make him for years.
Hamm clearly has been offered this for the last few years and declined, he's classic fodder for that title, they usually go for the older handsome type than pretty boys. He doesn't like all the hoopla and attention so said no - though the peen flashing may suggest he does like the attention.
Hamm is definitely better looking than Tatum and almost anyone and he has a much nicer yearbook pic, but Tatum is super hot and fuckable too!
Submitted by Dawn Davenport on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 11:36am.
Too bad he didn't marry Tatum O'Neal, then she'd be Tatum Tatum.
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Or, Rumer Willis: then she'd be Tater Tatum!
I don't find him hot but apparently he's becoming kind of a big hollywood player. We sure his wife isn't a beard?
The real measure of a man is the size of his penis. Basing hotness on face & body is pointless. Show me what really counts, please.
Channing Tatum is hot, but no, the Sexiest Man Alive is either Brent Corrigan or Brent Everett. (Look them up and be amazed.) Unless I see them on the cover of People, screw what that magazine thinks. Of course, all will be forgiven if CoCo gets the female equivalent.
Yessssss....He is so sexy!:)
"The ocean is your emotion"-Gary Busey
i was gonna throw shade, but awwwwwwww they were washing their dogs...awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
doggs..awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Really, with that face??? And that body isn't even something that he can keep.
Submitted by bambam on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 4:15pm.
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 3:54pm.
What's wrong, Foxxy? No love for Micheal Ealy?
i would. but Halle Berry touched it. eeeewwwwww, no thank you now
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
while you all were arguing i was looking up the home addresses of all the fine brotha's on our lists. keep talking amongst yourselves, bitches. enjoy.
*books flight to LA*
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
@Lucifer_Sam I agree. Shemar Moore ftw! That man is just.. wow! No words. Love him.
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Surfing the apocalypse.
They called in ALL the photoshop experts for this one. LOL!!! Sexy like a slab of salt pork. No thanks. :P
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Surfing the apocalypse.
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 7:30pm.
Add Devin Thomas and that's a magazine I would buy. YUM.
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
submitted by nicaw on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 2:19pm.
It would be nice to see a black man win the title again.
It's like they put Denzel somewhere on this list every year as if to say, "Well we put Denzel on the list, he IS all black men!" No Elba, no Jesse Williams, no Shemar, no Kojdoe, no Reggie Bush - LIST INVALID.
Submitted by saltydog on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:12pm.
He is certainly sexier than Bradley Cooper that's for sure.
I saw a slug today that was sexier than Bradley Cooper.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 5:07pm.
you ladies duke it out for Shemar, Lucifer can have Mr. Elba, and I'll take Boris Kodjoe. deal?
DEAL. Oh, wait, I want more.
I'm not really a Channing Tatum fan. I feel like if he wasn't buff, he wouldn't get a second look. I don't hate him or anything, I just don't find him attractive. He was good in Magic Mike, which is really the only movie I can remember seeing him in (I never saw the Step Up films), but he seems to be a decent actor.
I just don't find him hot. Me, I go for dark, slightly nerdy types. I prefer a guy who knows who Tom Baker and Dorothy Parker are to a guy with muscles. But that's just me.
Butterfly in the sky
I can go twice as high
Take a look
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He has a cute face, the freckles are adorable, and he seems like a genuine guy. You never hear of him or his wife acting the fool.
I approve
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This ho wouldn't know dignity if it fucked her in the ass.
-MK on Paris Hilton
Though I prefer Stringer Bell, Shemar More would cause a panty dropping rampage at grocery stores everywhere. It would be worst than twihards at a premiere. think about the safety of the pubic, guys. People is just protecting us
His butt is yummy, cute freckles, and he seems super nice. And the stripper past is HOTT. Dude knows how to move on a lady. did y'all see his lap dances??? Swoon!
I think he's a different kind of sexy, but I get the appeal. He is certainly sexier than Bradley Cooper that's for sure.
hell of a nice body. he has good face/bad face. I've seen great pics where he looks so handsome but then there are just as many where is face is just meh...but I'm not really looking at his face all that much. Now I see why guys don't care about a pretty face. He can be my man-whore any old time. I would definitely tap that a few times and move on to the next one. :D
*whips condom wrapper out of bathrobe pocket* --"WE need to talk..." Richie during the out of control summer of 2005
OK fine, I concede; you ladies duke it out for Shemar, Lucifer can have Mr. Elba, and I'll take Boris Kodjoe. deal?
rawr!
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
You guys can have Shemar. I call dibs on Taye Diggs! *Drools*
Submitted by Aphid on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 2:16pm.
I'm sorry but this guy has major derp face. Not Sexy at all.
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He's the one who should have married Jessica Biel. They'd a been the perfect "buttafaced" couple in hollywood.
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I love Jayzus but I drink a little.
Did someone say Shemar??????????
*sharpens shank*
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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
Ok Sans, you and Foxxy need to back up off my Shemar. He's mine. ;-) I'd like to be tracing that lion on his shoulder with my tongue right about now, but back to work. Sigh.
ooh yes Foxxy, Shemar Moore too. Criminal Minds is such an intense show that sometimes I can't get through an entire episode but I could look at Moore all day err day....mmm hmm
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
No way. I have never found him attractive. RYAN GOSLING WAS ROBBED!
Not sexy to me. At all. This cover blahblah alive thing stopped being believable a long time ago.
He's nice from the neck down and can dance, but his face and acting skills leave something to be desired, so sexiest alive? No.
These last couple of years have been getting worse and worse. Who next year Jonah Hill?
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I've written a letter to MK...saying...I...love...youuuuuu.
Submitted by Sweetas on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 1:20pm.
He IS corny and I always expect one of the guys to shout out EXCUSE ME, REAL MEN TRYING TO WORK HERE.
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LOL, I will give him props because in one episode there was piano sitting in the room and he sat down and played it quite well which surprised and impressed me that he had a talent other than making me roll my eyes and cringe.
He might not be the sexiest but he aint ugly either. Way better than Ryan Reynolds and Bradly cooper. Plus he's nice guy. Literally. I think i wrote he before how he didnt listen to his handlers when they try to push him away from his fans. He just kept signing and talking to his fans.Even telling his people to relax. Ever since i had crush
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Zqes3XwOWM&feature=plcp
Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 3:54pm.
What's wrong, Foxxy? No love for Micheal Ealy?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_1yt4jDIF2QY/TETRaN5NslI/AAAAAAAAC84/1H4OEooRBB...
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=micheal+ealy&FORM=HDRSC2
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I love Jayzus but I drink a little.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 3:20pm.
Submitted by nicaw on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 2:19pm.
i was way outside in my backyard doing some gardening and all of a sudden my private region said "why don't we go back to dlisted right now?" good job, private region!
/your list needs a little more SHEMAR MOORE, Morris Chestnut, Jesse Williams, Michael Jai White and Jason George
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Sans - yes, Boris would be awesome. I'm sure that People mag is afraid of putting someone of color on the cover and the reults would be similar to the 80s and 90s when fashion mags were afraid of putting AA modles on their covers - the mag would sell in record numbers.
MJT, way to go! Lmao, I fully expect that douchebag ParriahHilton to do an angry crying rant video about that in the coming days! bwahahahaha
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Yes, I am in the minority also. IMO, he's a hottie. The boy can dance way better than we think we can when we're hooped up on the tequila, and thinkin' we're sexy mo-fo's!
I sat in the theater watching Magic Mike, squirming in the seat and trying to keep the drool pool string from snapping back into my face.
This is the first time the photoshop actually fixed the face, lolol Hells ya, Channing can dance, that part is hot. If Cooper can win this, why not Channing? haha
Agree that Hamm's log, Gandy and Bomer should have won in a three-way! ;p
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Good Cod. You could bounce a quarter off of those buttcheeks. Me likey!
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Submitted by nicaw on Wed, 11/14/2012 - 2:19pm.
It would be nice to see a black man win the title again. Of course, I think this is a stretch for People because either the editors don't want it to be known that they lust after some hot black man or the selection is limited. Idris Elba would still be my choice.
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Elba is sex on a stick. Boris Kodjoe, Denzel (again), Courtney Vance, Taye Diggs, Mekhi Phifer, Djimon Hounsou....any of them would've been great choices too. Especially Kodjoe. Hot damn.
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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.
"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."
He's ok. Definitly not the sexiest man alive or anywhere near. And he seems dumb as a bag of rocks.