When A Doberman’s “Gurl, Please” Eyes Say It All

If it wasn’t for that People logo sitting in the corner, you’d probably think this picture was from a Playgirl magazine spread circa 1989 or a picture of Mr. July in Bel Ami’s “Porn Bottoms of the Past” calendar. But no, this is one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive, Ryan Lochte, just doing a little posing before taking his Doberman out for a sexy boat ride. The Photoshop in this one is ALIVE. I don’t know if I should blame Ryan or Photoshop for that uneven self-tanner situation, those toddler bangs and the severe lack of bulge. Couldn’t they use the Jon Hamm tool on Ryan’s crotch area? It’s not right that his Olympic ring tattoo has three dicks, but he looks like he has not a one.

But who needs a bulge when you’ve got a dog as a wingman? Ryan told People that his Olympic gold medals don’t lure the ladies in, his dog does:

“He is a good wingman because he’s a beautiful dog. Girls come up to me and go, ‘Oh my god, where’s Carter? He’s so good looking!’ He’s my best friend and I love him. I just need to take him wherever I go and I’ll be set.”

I was going to say that it must be really weird for Carter watching Ryan strike an awkward pose like this, but that dog is probably used to it. Ryan sleeps like this and lies on the couch like this. You never know when a Playgirl photographer is going to bust through the door, so you should always be pose-ready.

If I could read dog minds through a still picture, I’d probably hear Carter say, “No, bitch, I’m not going to paint you like one of my French girls. Stop asking and stop doing that.”