Tom Cruise Grooming His Next Beard
All the queens over at In Touch must have been kiki-ing when they came up with that cover. That's some funny shit. Tom Cruise supposedly had a "wild night" with a lady in NYC on Dec. 18. "A source" (aka one of those crazed Scientology bitches who wears the sailor uniforms and keeps reluctant cultists in chains below deck on their big prison boat) says that Tom was "mesmerized" by restaurant manager and Jersey native Cynthia Jorge, 26. Tom ate at her joint, and that's when he randomly picked her to fake be into.
"She had her hair in a bun, wore tight black pants and looked gorgeous,” the source said. Tom wasn't "mesmerized," he was irritated as fuck because he knew his ass would look better in those tight black pants. Cruise and Cynthia went clubbing the next night, and Tom was supposedly rubbing his Xenu moistener on her. Uh huh. I don't buy this shit, either.
Less than 24 hours later, the duo — along with some friends — met up at Le Baron, where Cynthia huddled with Tom in a booth when he wasn’t pulling her out on the dance floor. “They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor,” a witness gushes. “Tom looked like a pro.”
And things weren’t totally G-rated. “At one point, they began grinding together,” the witness tells In Touch. “It was straight out of Dirty Dancing. Tom seemed to be in his own world, completely smitten.”
Miz Vida Boheme (aka Patrick Swayze) just threw a "girl, you no Johnny Castle" side-eye from Movie Star Heaven. We all realize that Tom was actually staring at the male bartender and wondering how not to vom as he felt Cynthia's titters rub against his chest, right? You would think a "wild night" would involve taking a girl home for fuck times. Nope. Despite being highly "enamored" of the "Jersey Katie Holmes" (© Michael K.), Tom called her a car. And then sashayed down to the Eagle in a ballcap and sunglasses to get his man-kitty punched.
Seriously, this closet case shit must be hard. You gotta pick up random sluts and take them salsa dancing? When all you really want to do is sit on dicks? And then you have to process them through your cult and remove all of the free will wiring from their brains? And then you gotta keep checking the GPS to make sure they don't run away? And at the same time, the only place you can have a dude sit on your face is in the Celebrity Center's "gym?"And that place reeks like expired lube and crazy! Lay your burdens down, Tom Cruise.
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"Completely smitten" = he's fantasizing about sucking her nose
Submitted by chefgirl76 on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 5:22pm.
I know this isn't OP..but can somebody help me put a Santa hat on Gram :)
I'm useless at hats and such, but love your Gram avie, in his Nudie weed suit!!!
Ashley Tisdale is a waitress now who's willing to beard? Figures.
He doesn't like salsa music
www.dlisted.com/node/37459
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elen sila lumen omentilmo-LOTR
Will this midget jump on a couch this time or limit his retarded antics to a wing chair or perhaps a footstool??
Submitted by Dog: "No, that's my husband after the Claw-in-Law tried to take the last piece of pie last night."
LMFPO at "Claw-in-Law"!!!
"... restaurant manager and Jersey native Cynthia Whocares, 26. ..."
On a sidenote Tommygirl is 60 something - either he picks a more age-appropriate beard or start wearing a Hefner style assclown dressing gown during the day.
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Do you want a banana?
No i don't wanna
That chick looks like she walks around bobbing her head and going "BWAAK BWAAAAK BWAAAAAAKK"
Scientology has been looking for women for Tom on Craigslist: http://hollywoodandswine.com/church-of-scientology-turns-to-craigslist-t...
Andy Marx
Why is there never cell phone video of this alleged
Casanova action? Shit, I'll pay...the headline alone made me LOL harder than I have in days!
Tommy girl, getting his grind on with the girl next door in a crowded night club, dancing like no one is watching, ahahahah!
Was 'Please Don't Stop the Music' playing? I can see it now!
WWMWD? What would Mae West do?
Im throwing shade at in touch for putting our lady of cameltoes, Coco, in the side banner. Blasphemy
Submitted by dementa on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 4:56pm.
Also, you notice how Tammy never just meets a woman and goes out with her? He has to be smitten at first sight, and they must sexily dance the night away while everyone marvels at them while romantic songs play.
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who does that??? Overdoing it much? It reads as a corny ''50 shades of gray'' paragraph.
If he were genuinely interested, and he's a Superstar famous, you wanna keep it on the low. Especially, when you just saw the person from across the room and she's your type. Some Discretion. How did he know she was even single? It's like the jumping on Oprah's couch reaction to his love for Katy Holmes.
If this really happened, he's not smitten, it was for the show.
Tom's a true clinical sociopath.
So, so happy another of his movies is flopping this week!!
I still like tommy girl as An actor even if he is a wack a doodle**************************************************************
Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
I'm pretty sure he's gay, too many allegations and suspicions of it, but are there some stories with guy claiming to have had an affair with him, like with John Travolta? I don't even know how that man can walk around with a straight face when your own co-stars says that everyone in HW knows he's gay and multiple stories surfaced from his pilot to practically molesting masseurs and at Spas.
Submitted by CashewTime. on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 5:20pm.
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 5:09pm.
I've always loved his movies and I think he's the ultimate movie star with charisma and talent. It's too bad that his image is a bit tarnished, but it does say something that his movies still succeed.
*hides from tomatoes*
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Hmmm....Roma or heirloom...
I kid. Count me in as one of his fans. He's a teriffic actor and pretty much all of his films have been great, imo. His "religion" freaks me out but it doesn't take away from his talent.
who is this spanish boy dressed like a girl ?
~ Noxeema
Nail me to my car... then I'll tell you who you are...Joe The Lion
Lmao....I love when they try to make Tommygirl hetero. Wonder what his team will come up with to top the couch jumping. Lol
* 100% hotness verified by WHAMO. :P *
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
the fuck kind of penises have you people seen?!
Can you imagine if that woman bred with Owen Wilson? Their offspring would just be a giant penis-shaped nose with legs!
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
what is wrong with her nose?
When I see this guy interviewed he just seems a bit "off". I can't put my finger on it. I just find him to be asexual. He's not bad to look at but I barely even notice.
How have I existed without using "getting his man-kitty punched," several times a day?
There are always stories about him being smitten, and there are huge deals made about his dates with women. I have no idea if he's gay or straight. I hardly care, but he is kind of odd and I wonder what went down to make Katie leave.
Dr Oz could do an episode on Tommy Girl.
"If Drinks are not involved, then neither am I"
chef girl,
try doing it in paint.
I know this isn't OP..but can somebody help me put a Santa hat on Gram :)
"Lay your burdens down, Tom Cruise." LOL!! Great post, Mistah Hahveh.
Also LOL @ CashewTime: too sexy, too sexy!!!!
*dies*
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 5:09pm.
I've always loved his movies and I think he's the ultimate movie star with charisma and talent. It's too bad that his image is a bit tarnished, but it does say something that his movies still succeed.
*hides from tomatoes*
"In Touch": When your view of humankind needs a lift.©
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 5:14pm.
Submitted by Dog: "Hekki, I think the more important question here is why she has a penis where her nose should be.
And where did your avie go?"
PENIS NOSE!
And your avie scared mine away. Damn, is that a devil dog?
^^^^^^^^^
No, that's my husband after the Claw-in-Law tried to take the last piece of pie last night.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Dog: "Hekki, I think the more important question here is why she has a penis where her nose should be.
And where did your avie go?"
PENIS NOSE!
And your avie scared mine away. Damn, is that a devil dog?
Submitted by dementa: "Also, you notice how Tammy never just meets a woman and goes out with her? He has to be smitten at first sight, and they must sexily dance the night away while everyone marvels at them while romantic songs play.
That's not how real people date. It's how people in romantic movies date. It's like how he thinks he's an actual action star, "saving" people and shit."
He's just trying to approximate real human behavior. HAHAHHA.
I actually feel bad for the poor fucker.
Submitted by Chris Knight on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 5:07pm.
Jesus, theyd do anything to make him look straight....
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Well they're not doing a very good job with this latest trick!
Hahaha imo Tommy is asexual so the sexy stories are no bueno.
What's most disturbing to me is that his new film is meant to be - whisper it - pretty good. And he's meant to be pretty good, even if everyone acknowedges that he's between 18 and 20 inches too short.
That kind of bombshell can't compete with a closet case going bearding. Although it will be curious to see if and how he avoids a repeat of the Katie Holmes debacle.
Submitted by misslainey on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 4:55pm.
And I totally thought MK wrote this post. God job, J.
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I agree J. is doing a good job. The key is that the headline is actually telling what the article is about, the first paragraph gives the source and the summary, then the jokes begin after that. Don't bury the headline under the jokes.
Jesus, theyd do anything to make him look straight....
hmmm I read that as Private Drivers are calling her at work and they are grinding on the dance floor.
So when you "grind" your bits on Tommy-Girl, they should hit him at about nipple-level, right?
Oh Gross. Ewwww @ grinding on the dance floor...
Dirty Dancing? tight pants? con salsa? No no Tommy! Too sexy, too sexy!
Maybe I'm sick, but she looks a little Shannen Doherty to me.
And I totally thought MK wrote this post. God job, J.
Also, you notice how Tammy never just meets a woman and goes out with her? He has to be smitten at first sight, and they must sexily dance the night away while everyone marvels at them while romantic songs play.
That's not how real people date. It's how people in romantic movies date. It's like how he thinks he's an actual action star, "saving" people and shit.
Someone who thinks their whole life is a movie is scary, because it means they're not in touch with reality.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
In Tough needs a new copywriter...grinding & nuzzling? I don't want to picture TC doing any of that! He wooed a restaurant worker... imagine! ...barf!
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...the end
Meh I'm more intrigued by the sideline Sasquatch trapping Lamar. I thought it was the other away around.
"Tom ate at her joint." heheheheh.
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Dark-sided!
Wild night = they painted each other's toes, watched "Pretty in Pink" and had a pillow fight.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Hekki, I think the more important question here is why she has a penis where her nose should be.
And where did your avie go?
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
How tall is she? Enquiring minds want to know.