Presenting Mr. And Mrs. Rocknroll

37-year-old Kate Winslet married 34-year-old Ned Rocknroll in a secret wedding in New York earlier this month and that wedding was a secret, because she didn't want anyone to know she was marrying a ho with the legal last name of ROCKNROLL! I bet that when the officiant asked, "Kate, do you take Ned Rocknroll as your wedded husband," she turned around and asked everybody in the room if they had a tab of acid, because that's the only way she'd be able to say yes. Marrying a motherfucker with the last name Rocknroll only makes sense when you're high on some kind of brain-bending shit.

Kate and Ned Rocknroll (born name: Abel Smith) first met in 2011 when they were both vacationing on Richard Branson's island. Ned is Richard Branson's nephew. A fire broke out on the island and Kate saved Richard's 90-year-old mother. Kate and Ned hooked up after they left the island and she's been screaming his messed up name during fuck times ever since.

A source tells UsWeekly that Kate and Ned wanted to keep their wedding extra small, so they only invited a handful of friends and some family members. The best part is that Leonardo DiCapiro's ass walked her down the aisle, because OF COURSE and because it only seemed fitting since marrying a dude named Ned Rocknroll is a lot like boarding a sinking ship.

This is Kate's third marriage. She had a kid with her first husband and a kid with her second husband Sam Mendes, which means she'll totally have a kid with her third husband and that kid's last name will be Rocknroll. I hope they do have a kid and I hope that kid's first name is ILove or ItsOnly.

I really know nothing about Ned Rocknroll, but now I know that he lays down the peen good, because that has to be the only reason why Kate married his ass. Dude must have unicorn jizz. Ned probably gives it so good that for a quick second, Kate completely forgets that she's doing a dude with a name like a bottom tier wedding DJ who always ends up banging the ugliest bridesmaid in the bathroom.

That being said, I hope Kate took his last name and she'll forever be known personally and professional as Kate Rocknroll.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by Thamar on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:12am.

Sooooo glad I was not invited.

Kate looks beautiful.

Her new guy has look of a Richard Chamberlain.

Submitted by RandéSleepover on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:07am.

Jeez, you just met the guy. Date for a while and see how it goes. You're obvs not full-on marriage material. The silly name alone should be a red flag.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:07am.

You have all the names in the world to rename yourself and you pick fucking NED ROCKNROLL?

A name like that is a warning that says, "DO NOT MARRY." It's like facial facial tattoos! God this is dumb.

Submitted by Lisbet459 on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:05am.

Submitted by agirl on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 11:24am.

And SHE LIE about having plastic surgery! Look at her face! She LIE!
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Well, yeah. And she's so OTT about lying about her looks. I read an interview with her, and all - aaaaalllll - the accompanying pictures had the caption, "Ms. Winslet did her own makeup for the shoot." Bull. The Fuck. Shit.

And that's not mentioning her asinine campaign a few years back, with Helen Mirren and Emma Thompson, talking about how she had never had plastic surgery, and it's baaaaaad, and women shouldn't do it. I don't know if non stop Botox, fillers etc., count as surgery, but she's always been full of shit.

Submitted by Lisbet459 on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:02am.

Submitted by Trixster on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:38am.

Is it wrong that even tho I love Kate as an actress I am giving her a total side eye for being on her 3rd marriage at only 37? If I were her and already had two children and a couple divorces behind me in my mid thirties, I would slow my (rockn) roll.
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OMG, you're so right. Now, this is probably because I hate her and I'm looking for any excuse, but srsly? I suppose it's sweet that all these celebrities clearly want to marry rather than fuck around, but they really should slow down.

Submitted by agirl on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:54am.

HAHAHA She is an idiot, just like Alicia Keys and SwizzBeats. Marry in haste, etc.

And SHE LIE about having plastic surgery! Look at her face! She LIE!

Submitted by Einah Teb on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:53am.

I didn't even recognize Kate Winslet in that photo. I stared for a minute, thinking WTF is that? Her face is changing, and I don't mean in a natural way.

-Einah

Submitted by FreakGeek on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:50am.

Apparently she didn't get the memo that you go on a spending spree & screw whoever you want during a midlife crisis.

Hope the kids spend a lot of time with her ex so they don't have to be around this shit show.

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:43am.

She is pretty. His name is stupid. Cute story about Leo.

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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:40am.

She is so gorgeous.

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Submitted by JTROS on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:38am.

Sheesh. 37, 2 kids, 3 marriages.

Kate, girl, slow your ass down. How dickmatized can you be to marry some younger dude you barely know who changed his goddamn name to " Rocknroll"?!? Douchetastic. Seems like good father material for your kids, right??

Submitted by Doll-Parts on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:33am.

I hate "Ned." Abel Rocknroll is better. I g
hope they name their kid French Rocknroll.

I like Kate, this dude is hot and rich. Get some! Wasn't there some homewrecking involved here though?

"This world is a whore."

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:32am.

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 10:57am.
the first thing that came to my mind was "hammerhead shark."

Hahahahaha

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:27am.

lol Lucifer, the first thing that came to my mind was "hammerhead shark."

Let's see how long this one lasts. 18 months, give or take, with one kid. That's my wager.

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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.

"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."

Submitted by Naughychimp on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:27am.

Bad judgement. I think she should be especially wary of remarrying relatively quickly bc she has children. It's tough for kids to bond with a new dude and then even tougher for them to be told, "mommy and that dude you grew to love no longer care about each other: wave him b'bye." I'm guessing she's already knocked up with behbeh #3.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:26am.

What the fuck is with the space between his eyes? It's like each eye can no longer stand the other and thus migrated to the sides of his head.

This is totally expected of her, though. She comes across as incredibly vapid and full of her own self-importance. I give it four months.

Submitted by misslainey on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:24am.

She looks good there. I read about her marriage earlier today. She is becoming the Liz Taylor of our generation. I also thought she was much older than 37.

Submitted by letinstar on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:06am.

kate likes getting married i see...pretty sure this won't be the last...
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr

Submitted by Green Is Good on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:05am.

WTF? This IS a joke, right?

Submitted by Trixster on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 9:08am.

Edited to add: And they just met in 2011!! What is up with the rush to get married for the third time to someone you've known less than 2 years??? That doesn't sit well with me.