Brangelina WOULD Get Married On Jesus' Birthday

If you were born on or around December 25th, then I'm sure you have already cursed your parents for insisting on partaking in bareback love during the springtimes. Jesus is an attention whore, so December 25th is always all about him and other December 25th babies get the shaft. Christmas babies usually get dual purpose gifts and their birthday cake is a pile of leftover holiday cookies with a half-melted candle stuck in it. Well, Christmas babies, Jesus now feels your pain, because his special day has been overshadowed by the ultimate attention whores: BRANGELINA!

The Telegraph says that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo might've (but probably not) gotten married on Christmas Day during their holiday vacation to Turks and Caicos. Proving that he's still a cheating bastard, Brad Pitt cheated on Chanel by staying at Donna Karan's estate. A source says that Brad's parents, his sister Julie and his more-talented brother Doug Pitt joined Brangelina and their child army in Turks and Caicos. Some tourists say that they spotted a bulgy-eyed creature slithering around the island, so either James Haven gave Angie away or an iguana on meth did.

So if this is true, then on December 25, 2013, the following is going to happen:

- Instead of wearing red and green Christmas sweaters, we're going to wear black potato sacks.

- Instead of filling our eating holes with egg nog and Honey Baked Ham, we're going to slowly sip on virgin blood in between licking a plate covered with Jennifer Aniston's dried tears.

- Instead of decorating the Christmas tree, we're all going to smoke pine tree needles out of a bong. (Note: I'm okay with this.)

- Instead of giving our children half an Ambien, so they'll be passed out when Santa comes to visit, we're going to put them in front of the fireplace for Angie to take after she slithers down the chimney.

Poor, Jesus. Now he'll be the one blowing out a half-melted candle on a pile of leftover holiday cookies while everyone is celebrating Brangelina's wedding day. Merry Brangiemas, I guess.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:06pm.

Ha Ha Dawn and SF!

this one was the best ""Hark! The Heroined Angelinas Sing"

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"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA

Sucky 12/19

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:02pm.

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:59pm.
geez, maybe NOW you jealous people will realize that all the hyms and carols were originally written about this beautiful and blessed couple.....
before Jesus and Santa stole them all

"Silent Night, Jolie Night"

"Jingle Bells, Brad Pitt Smells"

"Oh Come All Ye Loonies"

the list goes on and on

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LMAO! love it.

"Brad's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire"

"Hark! The Coked-Up Druggies Sing"

"I Saw Three Kids Come Adopting-In"

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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.

"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."

Submitted by turnelbup on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:58pm.

Nah, my b-day's 12/20 and I never felt slighted. I always felt special because I first came home from the hospital on Christmas Day and my father never failed to say I was the best Christmas present he ever had *sniff*. My dad passed two years ago and I miss him like crazy. But I feel like the whole world is celebrating my b-day because everyone's doing the holiday thing. It's awesome.

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"When in doubt, freak 'em out" -- Sharon Needles

Submitted by chinchilla on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:53pm.

i'm fixated on the size of her head. it looks like she could unhinge her jaw and eat her young.

Submitted by Dawn Davenport on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:53pm.

LMAO @ Snowy's new carols!

Also
" God Rest Ye Hairy Gentleman"

"Hark! The Heroined Angelinas Sing"

"Toking Around the Christmas Tree"

Submitted by Dawn Davenport on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:48pm.

Buzzfeed had an item the other day on all the stories that the tabloids got wrong in 2012, and most of them were Brangelina or Aniston getting married, breaking up, pregnant, etc. So excuse me but I'm skeptical and frankly I don't give a fuck.

Submitted by skinny fat on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:38pm.

who the fuck cares? we haven't see Her Royal Smugness because she's probably getting 'work' done and/or collapsing from starvation. we all know Her Royal Smugness can't eat because there are starving people in the world. BUT she can however stay in uber lux hotels, buy luxury homes around the world and walk around in super expensive designer duds even though there are homeless people in the world and some probably have very little clothing. hypocrisy thy name is angelina jolie voight

Submitted by Gigaboob on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:36pm.

Not even the loons believe this. When you see panty pudding flowing down the streets, you know these two whores got hitched.

Submitted by Girl about town on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:33pm.

correction : drives HIM crazy

bet he is wishing to have that simple life sans 6 kids and this crazy heffa back??? I bet he does...
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Don't start none and the'll be none.

Submitted by Meatblocks on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:32pm.

are the t-swifties, twihards and brageloonies one and the same?
who cares about these two? if they ain't scandalous then they ain't nothin.
celeb worship is for pinheads.

*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*

Submitted by Lesbian Sourfruit on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:32pm.

Meh

Submitted by Girl about town on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:32pm.

Does anyone really care? They thought lets do it n Christmas when everyone is busy so no one will care, little did they know no one cared anyways!
She is looking so damn oatmeal lately and he looks like he has given up on life and hit the bottle!

Way to suck the life out of a man , sometimes I think its better to be the one that got away then the one that got him and drives me crazy ...huh Jen?

____________________________________________________
Don't start none and the'll be none.

Submitted by WithinReason... on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:31pm.

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:54pm.
--
Did you just answer your own rhetorical question?

This is part of a highly orchestrated all-encompassing blanket story designed to be rolled out over all media outlets for weeks. They'll deny it ever happened then let out snippets that it may have not have actually happened (?) and do this all over again next month. Am I wrong? ;D

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠♡░░░░

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:29pm.

geez, maybe NOW you jealous people will realize that all the hyms and carols were originally written about this beautiful and blessed couple.....
before Jesus and Santa stole them all

"Silent Night, Jolie Night"

"Jingle Bells, Brad Pitt Smells"

"Oh Come All Ye Loonies"

the list goes on and on

**************************
"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA

Sucky 12/19

Submitted by JoRN on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:28pm.

WTF happened to these two? He used to be hot & she was sexy as hell! Now they both look like shit! I used to like her before she became Mother Teresa 2.0. I say MEH to both of them the same goes for JA & her piece. All these celebs are attention whores. Happy New year!

Submitted by Lisbet459 on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:27pm.

Something that's always bothered me about these two is how they afford their lifestyle. It can't be cheap.

Submitted by WithinReason... on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:27pm.

They might've gotten married!?
FCUK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Millions are CRYING!

•-•-•-•-•-•
"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
░░░░♬♣☺♪◘☼♥♫•ღ♩♦≈❀♠♡░░░░

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:26pm.

All I have to say to this is *EYEROLL*

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Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012

Submitted by annobanano on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:25pm.

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:51pm.

Lol, Christmas is for the little people! Besides, every day is effin Christmas for the Child Army.

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:24pm.

Who the fuck gets married without a single friend there...oh ya that's right Heroina doesn't have any friends and she drove all Brad's friends away lol!

Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:22pm.

Well, I hate to say this, ahem, but you know.... a Brangelina pregnancy would trump Simpleton's and Lardassian's.

Jussayin...

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:21pm.

Submitted by annobanano on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:35pm.
Why not get married on Christmas? Once you open presents and go to whatever shitty movie was released, what else is there to do?

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I doubt these two celebrate, or get their kids gifts, for Christmas. That's for the materialistic common folk, and Brangelina do not debase themselves like that!

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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.

"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."

Submitted by chewinsmoke on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:20pm.

Submitted by JTROS on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:41pm.

I need to move to a cave somewhere to ride out the rest of 2013 so I can avoid all news stories related to: KK's womb monster, Brange's "marriage", JA's wedding & related pregnancy rumors, and JSimp's 15 month pregnancy and 200 lb. weight gain.
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JFC, no kidding. We're not even 48 hours into 2013 and between the demon spawn, Lindsay the Crackhead, and this, I'm ready to take an Ambien and go to sleep for the remainder of the year.

"My pug is smarter than your honor student."

Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:11pm.

Getting married on Christmas. What a SHITTY thing to do to your children.

Because your wedding anniversary will fall on Christmas every year and I'm sure that (if it lasts) there will be anniversary's like oh, 5, 10 where you will want to get away, alone, just the two of you to celebrate, but how assholeish of you would that be since it's CHRISTMAS and all.

FUCK YOU BOTH.

Submitted by JTROS on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:11pm.

It was a race to the altar - there is no way they'd let JA possibly marry before they did ;). Lol.

God, it would be a perfect shitstorm if JA were preggo right now, too. Heads would explode. On second thought, that would be awful because KK would step up her attention-whoring game to never-before-seen levels. It would be torture.

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:08pm.

Submitted by annobanano
=========================
I have to go see what the regulars are saying...and rain on their parade of course.

Submitted by annobanano on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:05pm.

Why not get married on Christmas? Once you open presents and go to whatever shitty movie was released, what else is there to do?

And yes Whamo, the loons are gonna go ape shit lol!

Submitted by SpottedDogRanch on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:04pm.

These motherfuckers better not have screwed up my b-day.
I get the shaft already. >:-(
Just go down to the JP's office already.

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:04pm.

Well now. We can't have our famewhoring and attention-getting antics outdone by the likes of Kim Kartrashian, can we?

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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.

"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:01pm.

Submitted by salacious on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:25pm.
The drug addict was seen at LAX traveling by himself,
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Sweeet Geeezuz Sal if these two dipshits got married the Loons are going to be FREAKING out! lol.

Submitted by Deb on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:00pm.

I highly doubt that they would wed without proper build-up, photo-ops and famewhoring.

"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson

Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:00pm.

UGH! These two again?

Who cares if they get married or not. They've been together for what? 7 years now right? They're legally bound in the eyes of the law anyway "common law marriage" so who fucking cares.

Submitted by parkerj on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:00pm.

Who gets married on Christmas?! Assholes.

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"Bye, Whore" -MK

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 2:00pm.

they are so fucking BOOORING< them and Chiniston and her man and all of these people!

**************************
"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA

Sucky 12/19

Submitted by Lisbet459 on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 1:58pm.

There's always been something...off about these two. Why get married now, if it wasn't important through how many years (I'm not checking) and 6 (?) children? Who will they use as an excuse (their kids, gay people) for marrying/not marrying?

And why have they matched their hair colour?

Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 1:56pm.

Submitted by salacious on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 3:25pm.

"The unwashed drug addict..."

getting a little sloppy there, Sal ;-)

"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12

Submitted by louise_brooks on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 1:55pm.

They look animatronic.

Submitted by salacious on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 1:55pm.

The drug addict was seen at LAX traveling by himself, not wearing a ring, apparently he was catching a flight to London. I don't understand why newlyweds would want to stay away from each other as badly as these PR whores do.

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"Sal, darling, you are the reason some women go gay. ♥" - Submitted by Dog on Fri, 07/09/2010 - 6:32pm.

Submitted by Foxxy Brown on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 1:53pm.

ok, if so, then that means the third horseman of the apocalypse has left the starting gate too, right?

"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12