What In The Dorian Gray Hell?
Here's the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.
Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was "brilliant." Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might've pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren't pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They've called it "rotten" and "dour." "Rotten" and "dour" is proper British talk for "fuckinguglyasfuck" and "raggedy piece of crap."
Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her "sparkling green eyes" and "charm." Well, Paul, you tried, but there's nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.
Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could've fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she's desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It's like she just licked some dirty ass.
You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there's no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt
Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it's a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, "Loves it!"
• 
Is Kate supposed to "age in" to this mess? It would be like an official portrait of Princess Grace, looking as she did in 1980, when she first got married in 1956.
And I get that the Duchess wanted a more "natural" portrait. But the painting feels almost confrontationally "in your face". The composition would have benefitted by some distance.
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
The soft muted light makes this look a little Thomas Kinkaid-ish. They should start selling this picture in bulk at the mall. This guy should be commissioned to do the entire royal family.
______________________________________________
A Lannister always pays his debts.
Long time lurker here. MK, this post forced me to create an account. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time...
I've always thought she looks alot older than she is, but, damn. The unveiling of that shit would have made me cry.
Back in the old days, it would have been off with the artist's head....
My eyes hurt from trying to focus on that damn out of focus fug painting.
Yet another reason to dislike average looking Waity Katie.
I believe King Henry VIII divorced one of his many wives because of a "good" portrait - Anne of Cleves turned out to be ugly in real life. Something tells me if Katie lived in those times, she'd have no suitors with this freakin' mess.
This belongs on a cover of a V.C. Andrews book.
Absolutely awful painting
I am at work and almost got fired for laughing at this. The original reminds me of the Seinfeld Eli where Kramer's portrait was all the rage by the art snobs.
Why did they make her look 50 years old? Awful.
When I looked at the portrait, this popped into my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OJn0QzS7Ic
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
How did they manage to make an attractive woman look so bad? The lighting is horrible--reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry dates "two face" girl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFeUrC2gR30
Also, isn't she supposed to be like 16 weeks or something? Is she giving birth to a rice kernel?
What a lovely portrait of Brett Butler... I like her better as a blond.
----------------------------------------------
" Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream... when I do you from behind..." ~ Kenny Powers
HAHAHAHAHHA!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Why do they still do official portraits? The only painters who do representational art are the hacks. A painting mattered before photography, but now it's a relic, like a horse drawn carriage. Who cares? Only the blind don't know what Kate Middleton looks like.
The Cecilia'ed version accurately portrays Kate's severe eyeliner.
That just made my fucking weekend.
Her expression says "I just hid Will's can of spray-on hair."
I would have that artist beheaded if I was her. Is there Photoshopping for artwork?
Yeeesh.
And for why is it do dark and gloomy?
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:32pm.
Submitted by turnelbup: "She looks like Lindsay Lohan as a Breck Girl."
Oh, snap! Needs more ducklip and jowls, though.
##############
Yes, and one wonky eye.
*************
"When in doubt, freak 'em out" -- Sharon Needles
She's elegantly expressing her true feelings in thumb #4 (tossing up a middle finger).
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 1:00pm.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin: "...thanks for the background on Bob, Whammy. He seemed like a pure sweet soul. After saying that, I better not find out he was a kiddy toucher or something like that.."
Like Jeff Smith, PBS's "Frugal Gourmet"?
------------------------------------------------
funny.. I always found Jeff to be a Mr. Crankypants - the one I absolutely loved was Justin the Cajun chef dude. He was a character.
I loved Di but I cant stand Kate. Kate strikes me as vapid, even with the college degree. Just no depth, just shallow.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin: "...thanks for the background on Bob, Whammy. He seemed like a pure sweet soul. After saying that, I better not find out he was a kiddy toucher or something like that.."
Like Jeff Smith, PBS's "Frugal Gourmet"?
My mom and I used to LOVE watching him. He was such a quirky, funny guy full of wisdom and similarly gentle-seeming, all lovey about his wife, etc.
Then there were many allegations from young men that he was basically a predator and I think one of his assistants (who you'd occasionally see on his show) accused him of sexual harassment. And supposedly he was a nasty mean person toward the end of his life.
I was bitterly disappointed by this. Now I'm just used to it.
I'd keep the receipt if I were her and bring that shit back next week before everybody else sees it. It's not a bad portrait but it makes her look like she has been taking care of multiple kids for a few years. I'm guessing the Royals are economizing and opted to get the Duchess a portrait they aren't going to have to remove for a few decades. All that is necessary until she's post-menopause is some gray streaks thrown in her hair.
Royalty on a Budget indeed
dp
Looks awful now, but will make her look young and fresh in 20 years. That's a plus?
She looks like she was out partying with Blohan the night before.
Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:36pm.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:31pm.
ahahaha! @the Bob Ross fans out there. Every once in a while I watch him and he has a velvet voice that soothes me
================================================
LOL, I was just reading up on him in wiki. He said said after being in the Air Force and having people yelling night and day he vowed to never yell anymore and that's why he was so spoke so mellow...and now you know the REST of the story :)
thanks for the background on Bob, Whammy. He seemed like a pure sweet soul. After saying that, I better not find out he was a kiddy toucher or something like that..
hahahaha! They made her look like Kathy Griffin!!
Submitted by boredasfuckyo on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:42pm.
Well let's be honest, it's not like the bitch is a beauty queen, Idgaf what asskissers try to the say, the bitch is plain bordering on homely. The colors are drab and something you'd find in an attic covered in cobwebs, but it does look like her. COME ON!
************************************
an ahteest can only draw what he see's.
**************************************************
And just so all you Jenaloonies and Brangeloonies know I would read JA's biography if I found it at the dollar store, too. (...) - Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 1:09am.
Not flattering at all.
What's more sad than the fact that 10,000 animals got euthanized today? The fact that because of the ignorance of humans, it will happen again tomorrow. End the cycle. Spay and neuter your pets & please adopt your next pet from a shelter.
Dorianna Grey indeed.
..............................
She deserves better!
Well let's be honest, it's not like the bitch is a beauty queen, Idgaf what asskissers try to the say, the bitch is plain bordering on homely. The colors are drab and something you'd find in an attic covered in cobwebs, but it does look like her. COME ON!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"And it don't matter who you are, if I'm doin my job, its your resolve that breaks..Cause the hook brings you back, I ain't tellin you no lie. The hook brings you back, on that you can rely."
Princess Creosote looks like she's trying out a Mona Lisa smile whilst suppressing a royal retch.
My God, Kate looks like Kathy Griffin in this painting! WTF?
Michael K has the Dorian Grey reference right on the mark!
In fact, it is kinda like those computer-aged pictures you see when they age kidnapped children so you can see what they MIGHT look like when they get older.
It is not a bad portrait, it just make her look tired and a bit haggard. And who knows? Maybe that's they way she when the portrait was painted.
______________________________________________________________
"That shit was more staged and choreographed than Paul Ryan's soup kitchen visit."- MK, 10/16/12
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:31pm.
ahahaha! @the Bob Ross fans out there. Every once in a while I watch him and he has a velvet voice that soothes me
================================================
LOL, I was just reading up on him in wiki. He said said after being in the Air Force and having people yelling night and day he vowed to never yell anymore and that's why he was so spoke so mellow...and now you know the REST of the story :)
A caricature would be more appropriate for this stale biscuit, as it would be for all of the royal asses.
Ecce Homo restoration, gets me EVERY time :)
If she hasn't lost track of who she is, she should be very pleased that her portrait now hangs in the National Portrait Gallery.
It's not a good likeness--nose too big, eyes too small, cheeks too fat--but it sort of captures her serious, muted side. I suppose a topless velvet painting with black lights would be out of place?
Submitted by turnelbup: "She looks like Lindsay Lohan as a Breck Girl."
Oh, snap! Needs more ducklip and jowls, though.
i think it's the smirk. she looks like a brunette Kathy Griffin to me.
ahahaha! @the Bob Ross fans out there. Every once in a while I watch him and he has a velvet voice that soothes me and then the next thing I know, I'm off to slumbertown talking to trees and shit..
what a hypocrite, but really what can you say? You can say in a diplomatic way that it's not what you expected. I mean, she looks better captured live or on TV and that says something. A portrait should at least be honest.
she does look like one of Cinderella's evil step sisters. scary. haggard is right. she doesn't exactly look like a man, but completely unfeminine at the same time. tired & pale. old matronly skinny hag.
**************************************************
And just so all you Jenaloonies and Brangeloonies know I would read JA's biography if I found it at the dollar store, too. (...) - Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 1:09am.
Submitted by Orangina on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:19pm.
That Cecilia painting is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. Cecilia's like "Alright guys, how'd I do?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Oh man, really the funniest thing ever! How could she do Jesus like that? I can't stop laughing.
I think she looks regal and the darkness of the piece looks stunning on the white wall. Gee what a surprise there's controversy and people want her to look sparkly.