What In The Dorian Gray Hell?
Here's the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she's slurping up your soul, they're going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.
Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was "brilliant." Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might've pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren't pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They've called it "rotten" and "dour." "Rotten" and "dour" is proper British talk for "fuckinguglyasfuck" and "raggedy piece of crap."
Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her "sparkling green eyes" and "charm." Well, Paul, you tried, but there's nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.
Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could've fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she's desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It's like she just licked some dirty ass.
You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there's no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt
Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it's a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, "Loves it!"
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Doesn't even resemble her. Looks like the witch from the wizard of oz.
She looks like she's been up for the last 4 days on a bender
She chose this artist so it's not like she doesn't have an idea of what the portrait's going to be like.
This is the REAL her in all her social-climbing, tacky, tasteless glory.
Refund.
Submitted by chewinsmoke on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:20pm.
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Whamo! Yes - Bob Ross!
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Bob Ross, that's the dude! lol he was the man. He made it look so easy, you'd see all this cool stuff develop right before your red stoned eyes. That was so cool.
Submitted by snowpiece on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:24pm.
is she having a pillow baby?
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I think she's only about 3 or 3.5 months along and she lost a lot of weight from her already slender frame with all that puking. I didn't really pop out until the end of my fifth month.
ETA: and it was all downhill from there.
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I change my mind--she really does look baked. She should be holding a bag of Funions.
She looks like Lindsay Lohan as a Breck Girl.
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"When in doubt, freak 'em out" -- Sharon Needles
Oh no. He made her look diabolical.
Do over.
is she having a pillow baby?
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"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
awww Kate has a sweet smile, her piss must taste incredible!!!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
graduate of THOMAS KINCAID skool of painting
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Whoa, just noticed that even Prince Willy's side hair is way thin. He should just shave off that whole mess.
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"When in doubt, freak 'em out" -- Sharon Needles
I think my new pic says it all.
unwillingly, I've been having a fucking hard time changing it, and today when I logged on, this was one of the 5 I tried to see if worked (it didn't at the time I logged off).
That being said, she looks like she's pushing 60. but the profile pic describes my sentiment best.
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And just so all you Jenaloonies and Brangeloonies know I would read JA's biography if I found it at the dollar store, too. (...) - Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Thu, 12/27/2012 - 1:09am.
The second one looks like Shannon Doherty.
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Submitted by Whamo on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:15pm.
This artists career is Toast! He might as well bone up on mountain and river scenes like that bur headed dude on PBS "this tree here needs a little friend so we'll just put one..right here, there you go, now isn’t that better" I loved getting stoned back in the day and watching that dude..but I digress, this guys just painted his last official picture.
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Whamo! Yes - Bob Ross! My stepdad is a big pothead and LOVES Bob Ross. They do a bunch of reruns on PBS still and he goes and smokes a bowl and just stares at the TV in amazement at the 'happy little trees' and the 'happy little clouds.'
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
That Cecilia painting is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. Cecilia's like "Alright guys, how'd I do?"
Paul Emsley better be glad the "off with his head" days are past.
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When will these simple bitches learn that it's a million times more sexy to rock a body like that and be ladylike and not present yourself like a mandrill every time a camera or a hot guy walks by - vsminimoose 12/27/12
It is an awful portrait. He made her look stoned and pasty!
HAha ( a la The Simpsons' Nelson)
It's like the opposite of photoshop!
This artists career is Toast! He might as well bone up on mountain and river scenes like that bur headed dude on PBS "this tree here needs a little friend so we'll just put one..right here, there you go, now isn’t that better" I loved getting stoned back in the day and watching that dude..but I digress, this guys just painted his last official picture.
I'm pissing myself laughing at the look on Kate's face in that last thumb as she's trying to look at the guys and be polite. Bawaaaahaaaa!
What an absolute crapfest of a Harlequin Romance books cover picture.
What in original Dark Shadows hell?
Submitted by Mrs. Voorhees on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:12pm.
This reminds me of those creepy V.C. Andrews paperback covers from the '80's. She needs to be holding a tray of sugar cookies.
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Ha! Yes! Powdered doughnuts from Grandmother!
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Dark-sided!
Flowers in the Attic portrait
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Thumb 8 says it all. It's like she's saying quietly through her teeth "What in blue hell is this shit?"
I like how her tired, pursed queef face accentuates her royal highness's jowls. It's a real turn on.
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
This reminds me of those creepy V.C. Andrews paperback covers from the '80's. She needs to be holding a tray of sugar cookies.
Cat >^,,^<
Terrible portrait! I hope this isn't the final. She is a beautiful lady but not in this disaster. Does really look like her!
off with his head is say!
This is definitely morning sickness Kate. (oh and someone get her down to a Supercuts. I think even they could improve that Kelly Garrett hairdo)
The artist obviously thinks Kate is fug if the best he can do is a rendition of "charming" Kate.
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"Bye, Whore" -MK
She approved that? *horrors*
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"I think my butt looks too big in these jeans."
is this is gag? that portrait gives me the creeps...
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
I guess they couldn't hang a hot girl like Kate in the portrait gallery with all of those in-bred science experiments in the royal family, so they uglied her up a bit.
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"When in doubt, freak 'em out" -- Sharon Needles
Aww. That sucks for her. The portrait doesn't do her justice at all. She is so much lovlier than that. :(
When is she going to start showing? I would have thought for as freaking tiny she is, she would have much more of a pooch. She's entered her second trimester already, isn't she?
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
Terrible. I'd ask for a re-do.
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A Lannister always pays his debts.
Woah, absolutely dreadful.
Perhaps they were saving it for when she turned 50!
It will be an uncanny portrait then!!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Kate Middleton, unconvincing transvestite. BTW, her name is Jaclyn Smith.
Wow, he made her look like she's celebrating her diamond jubilee.
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My obsessive fascination is in your imagination.
Her eyes look tired and old and her nose looks huge!
She is so much prettier than this!
I agree that the hair is overpowering - at least in this pic.
Awful, I think it'll quietly disappear and be replaced.
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Dark-sided!
Wow, that's awful. Makes her look so old.
wow fat stuff over here makes me want to skip a few meals! barf city!!!!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Kate approved that? She looks a good 40 in that portrait.
Also, she needs to trim that hair. It overpowers her face.
Ugh I feel bad for her. She has to act gracious and pretend she's THRILLED about it but you know she's pissed. If she wasn't happy with it then she would be painted as a vain asshole.
That sucks - this is not flattering at all.
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Did anyone order me a plain cheese?