Rachael Ray’s Husband Is Not A Member Of A Swingers Club, So Says Rachael Ray’s Husband
The National Enquirer, the highly-esteemed literary journal of choice for anybody who only wants the raw truth, reported in their latest issue that Rachael Ray's entertainment lawyer/musician husband of 7 years John Cusimano regularly visits a high class, exclusive, members only swingers club called Checkmate in Manhattan (Note: Checkmate's website sparkles, which means it's totally high class). Mr. Rachael Ray reportedly became a member before he married Rachael and he's been seen there several times with a bunch of ladies. Yes, with LADIES. Now I need to take my gaydar in for a tune-up and oil and filter change, because I really thought that Mr. Rachael Ray liked nothing more than to drizzle a little EVOO on a hard peen. He looks like a butch Mario Cantone. I've been wrong this whole time.
A source tells the Enquirer (via DM) that John has been seen at Checkmate at least six times and he always had at least one lady escort with him. Rachael has never been seen at the club. Some source says that the club is extremely picky about who they give membership to and only classy people are allowed in ("So why in the hell did they make Mr. Rachael Ray a member?" - all of us together) . John was once turned away from the front door for wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Didn't John see the sign that clearly read: No Pants, No Tie, No Vagina. The source went on to say that when John was dressed classy enough, they'd let him in and he'd dabble in the buffet before getting wet in the co-ed showers with a lady who wasn't his wife.
“After a bit of socializing at the buffet and the bar, John would always make his way to the back room. And every time he was observed in the coed locker room, he never took a shower alone. He’d always stop by the club’s buffet before closing to grab a few bagels for the road.
But Rachael's rep told the NYDN that the Enquirer is once again serving up a plate of cold lies and they might shove a lawsuit straight up their asses:
"This is yet another pack of lies printed by the National Enquirer who have been targeting John and Rachael for years without any merit whatsoever. John's lawyers have been in contact with the Enquirer and are exploring legal action against the publication for defamation."
If it's true, it's really not that big of a deal. I get it. Sometimes you just want to trade in the sound of your wife's sandpaper voice for the sound of a 60-year-old man moaning at you to go faster as you do his wife from behind. Understandable. But the real story here is that this swingers club has a buffet and that buffet has bagels on it! But I bet that bagel covered in sticky pubes is still more delicious than any of Rachael's 30-minute meals (says the bitch who has made, ate and liked one of those 30-minute meals. I'm not proud of that.)