Brings New Meaning To “I’m So Hungry I Could Eat A…”

After weeks of barfing out a million denials covered in zesty sauce, Burger King finally admitted that if you ate a Whopper at one of their fine gourmet establishments in the UK, then you might’ve chewed on a ground up piece of the Black Stallion’s nipple. Sarah Jessica Parker just stared in horror at her half-eaten Whopper and cried out “AUNTIE?!!!” before dropping it and galloping away.

When the grocery chain Tesco and a bunch of other companies found out that they sold ground beef with horse and pig in it, Burger King shook their heads no and swore on a bushel of the King’s sweet potato curly pubes that all of their burgers are made with 100% beef. Even though BK’s meat came from the same plant where the horse-tainted beef was found, they still denied it. But then BK did their own DNA tests and found out that yup, there’s Seabiscuit in that shit. They pushed out this statement to The Guardian:

“Our independent DNA test results on product taken from restaurants were negative for any equine DNA. However, four samples recently taken from the Silvercrest plant have shown the presence of very small trace levels of equine DNA. Within the last 36 hours, we have established that Silvercrest used a small percentage of beef imported from a non-approved supplier in Poland. They promised to deliver 100% British and Irish beef patties and have not done so. This is a clear violation of our specifications, and we have terminated our relationship with them.

[The company was] deeply troubled by the findings of our investigation and apologise to our guests, who trust us to source only the highest quality 100% beef burgers. Our supplier has failed us and in turn we have failed you”.

“The highest quality 100% beef burgers”? That is some charbroiled bullshittery right there. Who expects Kobe beef-like hamburgers when they go to Burger King? You know that when you go to BK you’re going to get the wrong stuff between two buns (Side note: “Wrong stuff between two buns” is what’s written on my medical file every time I go to the free clinic for a prostate check). I’m surprised that there’s more than just horse meat in there. I eat too much fast food and every time I eat that crap, I know that I probably just ate a patty made of worms, subway rats and coagulated chicken jelly. They’re allowed to call it beef because they get a cow to queef on it before they ship it off. I still eat it, it’s still delicious and it still makes my butt cry for mercy on the toilet.

So yeah, if you’ve eaten fast food, then I’m sure you’ve wrapped your mouth around a big piece of horse meat before. You sick Equus bitch.