Open Post: Hosted By A Hatchet-Wielding Homeless Hero
We should all feel a little safer knowing that if we're ever attacked by a crazed racist who thinks he's Jesus, a real-life Jeff Spicoli will magically appear and save the day!
KMPH Fox 26 (via Mediaite) brings us this story from Fresno, CA about a psychopath who claimed that he was the reincarnation of Jesus and was trying to rid the world of black people. The crazy racist bitch targeted a PG&E worker, because he was black and rammed a car into him. The KKK's answer to Jesus pinned the man between his car and a truck and then tried to pull the man out to finish him off. Two women saw the whole thing go down and ran toward the scene to stop Racist Jesus from hurting the man even more. When the women started telling the crazy bitch to leave the man alone, he started attacking one of them and tried to bear hug her to death. Then the dark clouds cleared, lightning flashed and a hitchhiking, hatchet-wielding homeless savior named Kai dropped from the sky to save everyone!
Because this story isn't crazy enough, Kai happened to be the passenger in the racist Jesus' truck. The racist Jesus was giving Kai a ride.
Kai jumped out of the truck, pulled out his hatchet and became the anti-Christ when he started smashing on the racist Jesus. The police showed up, arrested the racist Jesus and the PG&E worker was taken to the hospital where he was treated for two broken legs.
Kai's interview with Fox is perfection from start to finish and is the best thing that has come out of Fox. "Smash, smash, smu-ash!" is the new "Run and tell that!"
And I better see Kai in the next Avengers movie. Thor who?
• 
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:11pm.
GG, any idea what the warmest (i.e., the place that stays the warmest on the very coldest nights) part of Los Angeles County is? Someone whom I'd consider pretty knowledgeable (a palm enthusiast) told me Silverlake, Echo Park, and the area around the Hollywood sign all tend to be a bit warmer on the coldest nights. Any opinions on the matter?
chewi - I live in hippi town. There is a HUGE population of people here who do not immunize their children, for many reasons, but a very big belief among a lot of them is they believe the MMR vaccination causing the increase in Autism risk. So you got a huge population of kids running around without immunizations to mumps, measles, chicken pox, etc.
reporter was so bad i thought this was fake.
wtf are they putting in head bandana's/kercheifs these days? -call it the dodson effect.
ah well, at least homeboy got a styrofoam carton of greasy food for his smmmash, smmmash, SUU-MASSSHH'ing efforts.
*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*
Submitted by RandéSleepover on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:57pm.
If you drill her in the third person, does it really count?
Ha.
Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:07pm.
Foxxy - my kids have had their MMR vaccinations so I think they should be fine and I had the measles as a kid ( I will call my mom and double check) but JESUS! Why aren't people vaccinating their children? The measles are dangerous from what I understand (to adults).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cos a few years back some dumb mutherfucker went around telling people that vaccinations were poison! *side eyes skanky Jenny McCarthy*
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:58pm.
THAT REPORTER SAID "INNOCENT BYSTANDARDS"!
-------------------------------------------
I was just about to say the same thing! How does a person who doesn't understand the phraseology of his own language get a job like this??
My other mis-pronounce-y pet peeves: "accrosst," "heith," and when people say "foward" instead of forward and "omost" instead of almost.
Also: THERE IS ONLY ONE R IN SHERBET! It's "sher-BET" not "sher-BERT" dammit!
chewinsmoke, I can hardly walk. I had a great weekend, I had a 6 hour long Karate test on Saturday- SO SORE, but in a great way!
***********************************************
C'mon baby, where's your guts?
You wanna make love, or what?
This story reminds me of a Bill Hicks comedy routine:
"THE PRINCE OF PEACE IS BACK BUT HE IS PISSED OFF!'
Jump to 1:59
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHKhUVHS70Q
And what news channel is this? I agree that the newscaster looks like he just smoked some of Kai's stash and is ready to pass out.
ba-buttons, if all is as you say, you know you will be in there (and back out again) before she can bat her lashes twice. so why are you asking us?
as my son (ironically) says - "YOLO".
and "j/k"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
God don't like ugly.
awww Jack. well, I say if she's a ho, go for it, the husband is probably used to it by now. I just hope he doesn't work in law enforcement or anything....
**************************
"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
Da buttons, dont act on it, then she can be your "white buffalo".
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by chewinsmoke on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:09pm.
Good afternoon, horz. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I have this stupid twitch in my right thumb today that's making me insane. :(
Sounds hot!
Submitted by ba-buttons on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:50pm.
You have a 'crush' on her... so she is obviously very appealing. How about her husband? He obviously thinks the same things or he would not have made a commitment to grow old with her... You have to put yourself in HIS position, feeling the pain and heartbreak he would feel should he know his wife slept with another man. I don't think you wanna be the guy that causes another human being so much pain.
Then again, if the whore is checking you out and giving you the fuck-me eyes, go ahead and knock the bottom out of it... if she doesn't fuck you it'll be someone else.... might as well bust a nut and help her out... 2 birds and shit. *waves and blows kisses to Migraineuse*
I stand behind my first paragraph. Jack would not wish, much less cause, that kind of pain on anyone.
----------------------------------------------
"I ain't a killer but don't push me
Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin pussy" ~ Tupac Amaru Shakur
Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:07pm.
Foxxy - my kids have had their MMR vaccinations so I think they should be fine and I had the measles as a kid ( I will call my mom and double check) but JESUS! Why aren't people vaccinating their children? The measles are dangerous from what I understand (to adults).
fucking new age parenting. yeah, i've always been under the impressions measles can kill you if you get as adult...
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
M.E., did the memo mention anything about the reason for this measles epidemic? Measles have always been fairly uncommon since the vaccine came out. I wondered if there might be more of an issue since so many parents are against inoculating their children.
Good afternoon, horz. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I have this stupid twitch in my right thumb today that's making me insane. :(
"My pug is smarter than your honor student."
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:00pm.
This must have been Mel Gibson's Jesus .
_________________________________________
Hahahahahah!^
For someone claiming to be Jesus he sure doesn't seem like he's read much about Jesus because I'm pretty sure Racist and Hatemonger weren't one of the things he taught. Throw the book at this worthless piece of shit!
Yay for stoner Kai(I didn't know Antoine Dodson had a half brother?) and those ladies!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"you chickens need to go back to the coup, you need to lay some fucking eggs and do your fucking job, you scrambled ass bitch!"-Shane Dawson
Real Life Spicoli is like my new idol.
Submitted by ba-buttons on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:50pm.
According to the HOW COME NO ONE BLAMES THE MAN WHO CHEATED school of redundant thought, in a home-wrecking situation, you're not liable because you're not the one who is married. So, carry on.
Foxxy - my kids have had their MMR vaccinations so I think they should be fine and I had the measles as a kid ( I will call my mom and double check) but JESUS! Why aren't people vaccinating their children? The measles are dangerous from what I understand (to adults).
Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:04pm.
Chris Knight.
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 4:04pm.
The perp's weight sounds right.
Submitted by M.E. on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:56pm.
"In other news. The school district sent out a notice of a measles outbreak and to watch out with a list of signs to look for."
holy shit! hope the little M.E.'s are ok!
i live abt 2 hrs from Fresno. Fresno, Modesto, Chowchilla, Tulare, Visalia, Bakersfield etc etc. that sentiment is not completely unusual in those regions -- just this time the psychopath acted on it.
*l.m.f.a.o and goes "oh! snap!" at Migraineuse*
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
That stunning work of beauty's name was Ginger Miller Porasa ? How precious!
LOL
____________________________________________________
Don't start none and the'll be none.
thanks for the life story ba-buttons
LOL TV
Kai the homeless hitch hiker should have been HSotD
**************************
"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
That's messed up.
Don't do it Ba Buttons...that's how you end up on Snapped or one of the many Investigative Discovery shows.
**************************************************************
Your Chick-Fil-A is showing. - ISprainedMyUvula 8/3/2012
This must have been Mel Gibson's Jesus .
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:58pm.
THAT REPORTER SAID "INNOCENT BYSTANDARDS"!
Yeah, and he said something else odd. He seemed entirely too casual. Even his posture sucked.
Okay, was that Gladys, Cookie Monster or Poopele driving that car?
sounds a *little* extreme for TexnDoc....
PS: something about "Jesus, take the wheel"......
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
God don't like ugly.
@ Submitted by ba-buttons on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:50pm.
If you've always been honorable, keep it that way. Be the better person.
BUT WHERE WAS K-FRED?
@ Ba buttons
Ah, forbidden fruit. I would keep the fantasy but not act on it.
The dude I roomed with at 17 when I moved out of my parents looks somewhat like this guy but sounds and acts JUST like him… most annoying motherfucker on the planet.
----------------------------------------------
"I ain't a killer but don't push me
Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin pussy" ~ Tupac Amaru Shakur
THAT REPORTER SAID "INNOCENT BYSTANDARDS"!
**************************
"OBAMA PLEASE HELP ME I DON'T HAVE A JOB"
"NO SORRY BUT HERE'S SOME WEED AND A VOUCHER TO GET MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE" THANKS OBAMA
Sucky 12/19
Submitted by ba-buttons on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:50pm.
She's married. Hands off. You can ALWAYS control yourself (saying that one cannot is nothing more than a lame excuse).
Fresno, figures. Homeless Kai the Hero Gives Good Soundbite, as well as a swift hammer to the the head of perp (his car mate). The semi-bleeped F-bombs....I'm laughing so hard. Fresno has weird crime stories all the time!
My vision of world peace: a chicken in every pot, and pot for all us chickens...and weasels.
Submitted by ba-buttons on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:50pm.
If you drill her in the third person, does it really count?
* * * *
Electric Feel
In other news. The school district sent out a notice of a measles outbreak and to watch out with a list of signs to look for.
WTF?
OMG, way to go Kai.
He looks like one of the surfer dudes I use to hang out with in Tofino.
This sort of stuff never happens in Fresno.
* * * *
Electric Feel
Submitted by ba-buttons on Mon, 02/04/2013 - 3:50pm.
You're turning to Dlisted for romantic advice?
Haha, okay.
My advice to you is get tested for STDs. You're probably crawling with 'em. A responsible person, which you surely aren't if you are turning to us for romantic advice, would refrain from infecting others. Because we all know you're going to shag this chick. And then you're going to come on here and talk about it in gruesome detail.
In closing, you're still kinda hot and I still hate you.
Love,
Migraineuse
*______________________________________*
Submitted by Darknight on Fri, 11/09/2012 - 4:27pm.
THE TRUTH. Making the world a better place.
"Smash, smash, SMASH!"
LMFAO!
Wow.
But did he invent 7 minute abs?
haha, go Kai!
Smdh
OMG DID YOU SEE THEIR HUG? omg it was so sweet♥
-------------------------------------------------
Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
THANKS OBAMA.
-------------------------------------------------
Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
What the everlovin' F.
*______________________________________*
Submitted by Darknight on Fri, 11/09/2012 - 4:27pm.
THE TRUTH. Making the world a better place.
A very married woman with whom ba-buttons works is moving on to another job in a couple of weeks.
ba-buttons has quite the crush on this woman but never acted on it as she is very much married.
However, since word came around that she is leaving she is looking at me with different eyes. ba-buttons is an old dog - he knows what it means when a woman looks at you like that.
We are all going out for drinks this week. I pride myself on being an honourable man but I've just got it so bad for this woman. She's the whole package - hot, sweet, smart - I am worried that I may not be able to control myself if she starts hitting on me in earnest...
--------------------------------------------------
Submitted by IrishFury on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 10:08pm.
Again, pipe down, Fatty.
Go and waddle to the pantry, stick some cake in your gaping maw and pick some crabs out of your mound and use 'em as sprinkles.
Team#DOGHASCRABS!