Somebody Please Pull Oprah's Lips Off Of Beyonce's Ass
If you want to spend a piece of your President's Day gagging and yawning at the same time, then watch Oprah munch on Beyonce's b-hole while talking about the boring as shit Beyonce propaganda documentary Life is But A Dream on Oprah's Next Chapter. But if you can only take so much of watching Oprah suck on Beyonce's taint repeatedly, then go to Gawker and watch the grosses moments as put together by Rich Juzwiak. Beyonce's ladies-in-waiting are probably still pulling fake lashes and clumps of bronzer out of her ass, because The Mighty O shoved her head all the way up there. Here's just a few of the lines that Oprah jacked Beyonce off with. It's the sloppiest verbal blow job I've ever seen:
"You are the preeminent mistress of the universe."
"Your allure lies in the crux of the tension between hot and cool, so how do you balance that? Are you aware of that? That's you're hot and you're also cool?"
"You know what I thought it was, watching you [at the Super Bowl]? I thought, 'That is where art meets God.'"
"I always had a lot of admiration and respect for you, you know. I like dancing to the music, I like playing it when I'm working out, but after watching Life is But A Dream, I have to tell you that I came away being reminded of that line in a Maya Angelou poem that says, 'You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N.'
"Life is But a Dream is so great that you'r enot just going to be mistress of the universe, you are now BELOVED mistress of the universe."
Well, I guess I have to get new lines, because that is exactly what I was planning to say to Shauna Sand if I ever met her. What kind of stuff did Oprah smoke out of her bong before this interview, because damn. I know Oprah usually licks her guest's ass, but she practically touched Beyonce's intestines with her tongue. Beyonce looked like she was getting ready to run just in case Oprah's tried to skin and wear her.
And Oprah needs to know that there's only ONE mistress of the universe and her name is She-Ra!