Jennifer Aniston Is Afraid That Brangelina’s Wedding Will Take The Spotlight Away From Her Wedding

Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux’s lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he’s probably going to ruin her wedding day.

The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she’s pissing into Brad’s bong, because he’s ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad’s wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie’s wedding), but she’s changed her mind.

“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars.”

I know, I’ve typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies’ heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we’d all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We’d get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, “So who’s dress was hotter? Jen or Angie’s?”

But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They’re just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.

And here’s Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.