Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Broke Up

On the back of his tire-less El Camino that’s been parked on the front lawn of the Cyrus house for years, Billy Ray Cyrus is using wrappers from his Taco Party Pack to dry the chipmunk tears off of Miley Cyrus’ face as she bawls into his moobs. Noah Cyrus has stopped working on the flower girl pole dance she planned to do on the altar and the Piggly Wiggly catering department has stopped catching possums for the reception buffet, because Miley’s wedding to Liam Hemsworth is off!

A source tells Page Six that even though Miley screamed on Twitter about how her wedding is still happening,  it isn’t. The hillbilly wedding of the year isn’t off because Liam allegedly got frostbite on his dick from fucking January Jones. The wedding is off, because Miley, a 20-year-old, is partying too hard and Liam doesn’t like it. Page Six’s sores (Freudian typo and it stays) put it like this:

“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him. They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated. While Miley has insisted they are still together, right now they are very, very much apart.”

Liam went off to Australia to be with his family and Miley’s been running around L.A. without her hitchin’ ring on her finger.

Liam just couldn’t take Miley’s partying ways? Liam’s publicist is funny. The chipmunk Draco Malfoy is 20. That’s what you do when you’re 20. You get a fake ID (or if you’re Miley, you just say “I’m Miley, let me in“), you party and you get as many Capital One credit cards as you can and you max them all out at the bar (or if you’re Miley, you just use cash). Besides, I too would be deep throating a bong and cleansing my insides with moonshine if my dude was out sticking his tongue in every trick but me.

And if you’re in Southern California, you better grab your Snuggie, because the temperatures are going to drop when the home wrecking icicle in a wig that is January Jones cackles into the air after hearing this news.