The Jolly Green Giant And Little Green Sprout Are Getting Married!

The fairy tale creatures of the Enchanted Forest all experienced a case of the hard nips in January when they heard that their gnome queen Hayden Panettiere and their giant king Wladimir Klitschko got back together. And now they’re nipples are going to explode once they hear that their gnome queen and their giant king are getting married. UsWeekly says that Wladimir, pulled out a ring, got down on one knee laid down on the ground and asked Hayden to marry him. Because you just can’t say no to a giant who can finger you from across the room, she said yes!

The source tells UsWeekly that 23-year-old Hayden and 37-year-old Wladimir got engaged recently and she’s not wearing the ring, but they’re currently planning a summer wedding. The source says that Hayden and Wladimir are keeping it a secret, because even they know that nobody gives a shit. No, I give a shit, because they’ve always been one of my favorite couples.

I mean, she can use his dick as a chin-up bar and he can wipe his wet pits on her head while she’s standing up. That’s love! They’re the perfect couple. I can’t wait for their wedding, because I really want to see the enchanted forest birds pick her up by her dress and fly her up to his mouth when the preacher says, “You may now kiss the troll!“