Joe Francis Doesn’t Want You To See His Sex Tape

Oh, irony, you really know how to make me happy.

The douche with the most punchable face in America recently said in a douchetastic interview with The Hollywood Reporter that it’s been reported that his dick is as thick as his head and as inflated as his ego and we might find out if it’s true (it isn’t) or not (it is not). TMZ says that Joe Francis is getting a very special going-away-to-prison gift. A sex tape starring the former head pimp of Girls Gone Wild and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson is up for sale and he’s trying really hard to keep it from touching your eyeballs.

Abbey, being the brilliant mind that she is, kept a copy of her fuck footage with Joe on her iPad and her iPad was “stolen” from her bag at LAX. The footage has several scenes of Joe and Abbey doing it. Joe’s attorney is disgusted by this, because Joe is the only one who’s allowed to make money off of the flashing of other people’s private parts. Joe’s attorney also said this:

“It is not only unfortunate, but it is a crime. As such, this office will take all necessary steps to determine who in fact has done this and who is attempting to distribute the video. When we catch you, we will see that you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of both the criminal and civil laws.”

Maybe who ever’s trying to sell the tape can sell a prison cell with Joe! That won’t be awkward at all.

Assuming that Joe’s not the one leaking his own tape, my throat filled with laughs just thinking of him freak out about everyone seeing his shaved crotch. (You know he shaves his pubes to make his peen look bigger.) But then I stopped laughing and started heaving, because I’m disgusted with myself for actually wanting to see a Joe Francis sex tape. I can’t help it, but for some strange reason I really want to see Abbey Wilson chin-fuck Joe right in the butt. My brain is a dumpster.

Here’s Joe and Abbey at Scott Isadick’s 30th birthday in Las Vegas on May 26th.