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Tara from the back: Um...errr....well add some fruit and she'd make a delicious and nutritious after dinner treat!

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I haven't seen Liv Tyler for a while. For a moment there she was a lard ass, but she seems to have slimmed down. She looked hot as she did some shopping over the weekend. You know it's a terrible news day when you're writing about this bore. On that note I'm gonna go get drunk and drown in my own nose spit.

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Damn! Scary Spice aka Mel B is that hard up to get Eddie Murphy back? According to sources she has sought the advice of a witch doctor to her get back Eddie Murphy. Eddie famously dumped Mel B during an interview with a Dutch reporter in which he denied that he was her baby daddy. She is paying a witch doctor named Tabitha to perform a series of spells to bring Eddie back to her loving arms.

A friend of Scary's said, "She was heartbroken when they split and was prepared to try anything to win Eddie back. She'd heard about the powers witch doctors have and when everything else failed she knew it was her only hope."

One of the spells called for Mel B to piss in an olive jar. Dirty slag! You know she drank it afterward. This story is probably fake, but I pray to the heavens above that it's true. There's nothing I love more than some crazy wack using vodoo to get her man back. She's also probably playing "Party All the Time" over and over again while jacking off with one of his pubic hairs.

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Thanks Nelson

Fat Elvis aka Brandon Davis in Maui on 12/24

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A Beckhams Christmas - Just Jared

Nicolette Sheridan in a hat not even my fat, slow cousin would wear - ASL

Another publicist runs screaming from Britney Spears - Egotastic!

Tranny McGuyver! - Pobytes

Vince Vaughn is meaty - Popsugar

Hilary Duff in plastic - Hollywood Rag

Even the wind doesn't want to see Blohan's vagina anymore - IDLYITW

You better believe Maddox is the best celebrity kid - Cityrag

Is it too soon for a Steve Irwin doll? - SOW

Nicole Richie's pretending to eat again! - INO

Jessica Biel in a bikini for your viewing pleasure - Hollywood Tuna

Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling spent the holidays in Dean's native Canada. The couple are expecting a fug baby this Spring and were married this past May. Dean decided to propose to Tori again this past Christmas. Dean took Tori to a special spot (probably the 99 cent store) and popped the question.

Tori told People Magazine, "I immediately started crying and said 'Yes! Again and again and again!' What made it so special was the notion that a year ago when he proposed, the thought of having a baby together was just in our hearts, and now our baby boy that we created from our love is nestled in my belly."

She probably laid a huge fart after that. I know that some might find this romantic, but I just find it stupid. He was probably hoping she would say no, thinking that would make their marriage null and void. Unfortunately, her hatchet lips said yes.

Jessica Simpson left a special holiday message to her fans on SweetKisses:

"happy holidays to all of my fans. i am spending much needed family time in the colorado rockies. i send y'all my genuine huge smile hoping it makes its way to brighten your christmas day...very dorky rhyme, but hey what can i say...i am a dork. daisy doesn't enjoy the role of santa in this picture, but the idea was just too cute to resist. i love all of y'all with my whole heart and my hope is for each and every one of your christmas wishes to come true. thank you for always inspiring me to be better in everything that i do. xo jess"

Can't capitalize much? She failed to mention that Daisy lost it after this picture was taken and mauled her face. Hey, dreams do come true!

Mariah Carey took some kind of extra-large coat contraption and made it into a hoody. She covered up her fat head as she left her mother's store in Aspen. She needs to pull that sweater a few more inches down to cover up that hippo of hers. God, I'm mean. It's Christmas! Ok, Mimi is a gorgeous human being with a beautiful soul.

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Okay okay, he didn't break his ass but that sounds so much funnier than saying he broke his femur. The femur is close to the ass anyway, so I wasn't that far off. So...Arnold "The Governer" Schwarzenegger broke his femur while skiing with his family in Idaho over the weekend. He has returned to California and they will operate today to fix that problem.

His spokeswhore said, "I have spoken to the governor several times since the skiing accident occurred and he is very comfortable."

Arnold is expected to go on crutches for the next 8 weeks. I'm more surprised that Arnold actually gets on skis. That's like seeing an obese bear trying to hold his balance on a 1-inch piece of ribbon suspended 25-feet from the ground while holding a delicious pot of honey on his head. No wonder stupid ass broke his ass!

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Tara Reid must've scared thousands when she bared her frankentummy in the Caribbean over the weekend. I mean didn't she say that she fixed that thing? It doesn't look like she did. I know she's broke, but I'm sure the Humane Society will lend her the dough to get that fixed. It's obscene!

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