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Michael Jackson made a rare public appearance in Augusta, Georgia today at the funeral of James Brown. Michael was greeted by cheers from the audience as he made out with a dead James Brown and then spoke. He told the audience, "Ever since I was a small child - no more than six-years-old - my mother would wake me no matter what time it was to watch the television to see the master at work. Every time I saw him move I was mesmerized. I've never seen a performer like JB and right then and there, I knew that was exactly what wanted I to do with my life. James Brown, I shall miss you and I love you so much. Thank you for everything."

Michael also refused to take part in a performance of "Sex Machine" and opted to stay in his seat. His ass was probably wet from making out with James. Either that or he was getting a close look to see what kind of make-up they used to get some tips.

Jesse Jackson, MC Hammer, Al Sharpton and Tomi Ray Hyne were also in attendance.

Tiger Woods and his hot wife, Elin Nordegren, are expecting their first child. Tiger released this statement today:

"As some of you know, today is my 31st birthday. I'll spend it quietly with family and friends, but Elin and I have more exciting news to share: We are expecting our first child together this summer. Obviously, we couldn't be happier and our families are thrilled," said Woods. "I have always wanted to be a dad. I just wish my father could be around to share the experience."

Hopefully, this kid will inherit her looks and his brains.

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Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian opened their ho hearts enough to visit the Royal North Shore Childrens Hospital in Sydney. By visit I mean pose next to sick kids without touching them or showing them any kind of affection. Paris also signed autographs outside and posed with fans. She's posting next to that poor baby like it's a tourist attraction. You know she's grossed out, but that baby is grossed out more.

Mary Lynn Rajskub

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