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The granola version of Ellen and Portia will get married in California sometime soon. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels have been together for a long ass time and they have four kids together so it's time.

Melissa , 47, and Tammy, 33, got married in a ceremony in Malibu in 2003, but that shit isn't considered legal. Now that gay marriage is legal in California, they are ready to make it official. Melissa said, "We are so grateful for the blessings from our friends and family as we commence our vows, and begin the rest of our lives together."

She's not joking about the "rest of our lives" part. She should have said the "rest of our lives and even our after-lives." If there's an after-after-life, they will be together then too. Marriage is definitely for gayelles. The lesbian bitches I know have been with their pussy partners for like a zillion years or more. For some reason they never get stick of seeing the same snatch day in and day out! There must be some kind of chemical in strap-ons that makes you all monogamous forever and shit.

Tammy deserves massive amounts of happiness with whipped cream on top. She was in one of my favorite show of the late 90s "Popular" and anyone in that show has a million rays of sunshine on them at all times.

Source

I get so many requests to post more about Hugh Laurie. The dude from "House." Strange, but true. The panty pudding is a-flowin' for Hugh Laurie.

One whore e-mailed me once and wrote, "PLEASE POST ABOUT HUGH LAURIE." I wrote back and told the ho there wasn't any new pictures of him or anything. The crazy answered, "SO! POST OLD ONES!" There must be a support group this kind of obsession. And you thought my PP, Rojo and Shauna addiction was bad? Ok, it is, but that's beside the point!

Anyway, when I read that Hugh's house in Los Angeles was broken into, I immediately figured one of you crazy bitches had something to do with it! You see, Hugh said that while he was sleeping upstairs with his wife, some burglar type broke into his house and stole his laptop. That's all they took! Hugh said: “I came down this morning and said, 'Where's the laptop?' Then we realized."

The police think it's the work of a band of thieves. They have already struck the home of Faith Hill who lives in the same area.

Hugh moved to Los Angeles 4 years ago. His family recently joined him there from England. A friend of Hugh's told The Sun that he's kind of shaken up from the incident. The friend said: “Hugh keeps thinking about what would have happened if he had woken up to confront the burglars. There are some crazy people in Los Angeles who don't think twice about using violence. He was very lucky that he slept through it all.”

I just know one of you picked his lock, went upstairs to his bedroom and posed for pictures next to his sleeping body! While you were leaving his house, you noticed his laptop just lying there and you figured he probably had some dirty pictures on that shit! Wait until Hugh finds the "surprise" you left him in his panty drawer!

First of all, Brit Brit totally busted a fart in the picture above. Fortunately for everyone around, her farts smell like Frapps.

Brit Brit continued her "I'm Fine, I Swear" tour by visiting P.S. 142 in the Bronx, NY this morning. Brit signed autographed for the children and posed for pictures with them. Yes, I said "children." Don't worry, I'm sure there was a lot of security around. I'm sure the kiddies were happy to see her ass, but they were probably disappointed when they found out she didn't come bearing Cheetos.

This is one of the first times I find myself not being able to find one thing wrong with the way she looks. Wait. I lied. Her bags look like they could store a couple of Cheeto factories, but other than that, she looks surprisingly good. Gulp. That's no fucking fun. Moving on....

In other Cheetos news, Adnan Ghalib tells Star Magazine that there is no sex tape. He also said that Heat Magazine made up the quotes and that he never filmed himself doing gross things with Our Lady of Cheetos. He said: "I don't know where these quotes I'm supposed to have said have come from. What I do know is they certainly didn't come from me and they are completely false. I'm extremely upset and distressed and I'm taking legal action... This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me."

Translation: Daddy Spears cut him a check.

On "The View" this morning Elisabeth Hasselbeck finally got her chance to tell the country why she thinks Sarah Palin would make a good president and she totally fucked up!

It all started when the hens in the coop started arguing about Palin and Obama's experience and other shit like that. Joy and Elisabeth started going at it and finally Barbara Walters interrupted them and said, "Every single day you never ever say, maybe there's another point, so this is your chance. Tell us now why you think that Sarah Palin would make a very good President."

Elisabeth's white cotton panties must have gotten twisted because she got all bitchy with Babs and said,"Well, since I've been studying for this pop quick forever! I....tell me why Barack Obama is qualified. Give me three tangible things he has done." Answering a question with a question. Get 'em Hasselbeck!

Elisabeth should have just called Meredith and asked to use one of her life lines. (Thanks, Tina Fey!)

Right after Elisabeth's response, Joy asked to go to a commercial! Ha. A few seconds later Elisabeth gave all her reasons and then they went right to commercial. UGH! Why do they do that shit? The only reason I watch these crows is to see them fight and then they ruin it by cutting them off. REFUND!

his shit was also entertaining because Barbara was dressed like a little old harlequin doll. She should pose for the Naked Clowns Calendar!

Clip below:

The Cloudman who blows the wind better watch his puffy ass. Joan Collins is going to storm into his office and slap the air out of him for trying to blow off her wig. The evil part of me (basically 99.9%) wishes her wig did come off so that we could see her running after it in her jewels and furs. Lucky for her, it stayed on. But bitch should still go and get a lacefront so that doesn't happen again. Beyonce will hook her up. Even if Joan's wig did go flying off, she would still look hot with two thin hairs on her head. Alexis Carrington will be beautiful and glamorous forever!

I always knew Justin Timberdouche was a bottom - Just Jared

Anne Hathaway never said she loves it in the shit hole - Defamer

Nicole Richie and Sad Clown Baby go to the mall - Popsugar

An inside look into Parasite Hilton's jeans - Towleroad

The devil and the robot - Lainey Gossip

Jessica Simpson covers up her bacon slices - Hollywood Tuna

I bet you Ken Paves did this shit - Hollywood Rag

Diora Biard is topless and whorey in Maxim UK - Egotastic!

Moose knuckles galore - Cityrag

Tony Romo is fucking stupid - IDLYITW

Hayden Panatroll doesn't know how to work an ATM card swiper (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Are you one of those fraidy cat bitches who are deathly afraid of clowns? Like this bitch? Well, if you are, let the naked clowns help cure your phobia! A group of 16 clowns in San Francisco came together to take it all off for a new calendar. The proceeds from the calendar will benefit MS research.

There's nothing creepy about a naked clown! If your pee hole is dripping a little because you're so scared, then your case is probably worse than you thought. Don't think of them as clowns. Just think of them as naked people baring their genitals for your viewing pleasure. Most genitals are not scary.

A couple of the clown dudes are kind of hot. Don't focus on the scary clown face that looks like it will wake you in the middle of the night and hack you into a million pieces. Think of the peen hiding underneath those silly clown props. Is it fat? Is it skinny? Is it smiling at you? Does it honk when you squeeze it? Does it have a round red nose? Well, if it has that then the clown needs to go get that checked out. The idea of seeing wang rules out the creepiness of the clown face.....

....Okay, I take that all back. I just went through these pictures again and I'm officially a little scared. I also can't wait to buy this shit and give it to all my clown-hating friends for Christmas. They will shit themselves. Literally.

Click here to see more pictures from this shit. Unfortunately, you have to buy the calendar to see the full Bozo.

I had to dig fucking deep while watching "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. I faced the ultimate test when Jessica Simpson opened her mouth and sang the most whoreiffic version of Robbie Williams' "Angels" I have ever heard. It sounded like an obese bull frog getting gang banged on bumpy train. You could probably hear the angels wailing in pain if it wasn't for Jessica's butt fuck yodel. Next time she should lip-sync like her sister.

And you know what made it even worse? My nemesis CHERYL BURKE took the stage with Maksim! My senses were violated over and over again! Not only did my ears have to deal with Jessica's croaking, but my eyes had to deal with watching CHERYL BURKE'S back fat sliding back and forth and her mop head bouncing around. The word "torture" was invented to describe that whole performance. The FCC should have shut it down for indecency.

Thankfully, the show redeemed itself when Kim KardASSIAN and her useless big ass were kicked off. Mark Ballas should have just danced with a blow-up doll. He probably would have gotten more emotion out of it.

With Kim leaving that means the real star of the show, Cloris Leachman, gets to dance another week! Viva crazy memaws!

There's been a rumor going around that the two fag tarts known as Katie and Peter are on the verge of breaking up. So what do a couple of famewhores do when there's break-up rumors? They slap on the bronzer, hike up their tits, awkwardly hold each other's hands and then go to the biggest paparazzi hot spot. That's what they did last night. And don't they look so much in love? Gross. He looks like he would rather be holding on to a hard dick dripping with pre-cum. That's very Tommy Girl of him.

The rumors started when some friend of theirs told Closer Magazine (via The Sun) that Peter has had it with Katie's skinny ass body and bad attitude. The friend said: "Pete really has had enough. He's told her that unless she treats him with some compassion and like an equal then their wedding vows don't mean a thing. She makes him feel like shit. He'll be getting ready and she'll say, 'What are you wearing that for?' It really upsets him."

In her defense, Peter probably wants to leave the house in pink sequined coochie cutters and a sheer tank top that says "POWER BOTTOM" on it. Star Jones had the same problem.

I don't think these two attention fuckers will ever split up. As long as OK! Magazine keeps putting them on their covers and networks keep giving them reality shows, they will keep faking their fraudulent marriage. I just have a small tip for them. The next time they fake it for the pappies, they should bring Harvey along. I would much rather see pictures of Harvey than these two balls of orange grease balls.

Jack White and Alicia Keys' video for the new Bond theme called "Another Way To Die" is just as shitty as the song. I like Jack and Alicia separately, but put them together and all you get is ear and eye barf. This mess makes me long for Shirley Bassey. Shit, it makes me even miss Sheryl Crow's bond song. No, I didn't mean that.

Jack and Alicia could have covered up the fact that their song sucks with a hot video, but they failed at that shit as well. The beginning part looks like they're inside of an Etch-A-Sketch.

Damn that Wino! If only she wasn't a complete gutter wreck. Her crackie croak would have been a million times better than this shit.

VIA Idolator