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I've brought back this old ass feature especially for Colin Farrell. Usually when I do a "Then or Now" I have to go back a few years to get a picture of them looking totally different. Not for Colin! A lot has changes in two years for his ass. On the left is Colin in 2006 and on the right is him at the NYC premiere of "Pride and Glory" last night. Obviously, the bitch looks better without that horse mane, but I still see the hotness underneath.

Colin of today looks like a cult member who lives in a shack in the hills and only comes down to beg for money on the freeway ramp, but I would still work the streets for him if he asked me too.

Wait. If he's got that much hair above his neck, how thick do you think his dick forest is? That shit is like the fucking Amazon, right? You have to hack through it with a machete just to get to the head.

Jenny McCarthy's son was diagnosed with autism and she believes the MMR vaccine was the cause. She even wrote five books on the subject. Well, thanks to the grace of God and the banishment of evil bread foods, her autistic son is no longer autistic. Jenny says that she put her son on a strict no-wheat, no-dairy diet and his autism eventually disappeared! Or something like that. Before you give her the side-eye, read what she tells UsWeekly:

"I made a deal with God. I said, 'You fix my boy, you show me the way and I'll teach the world how I did it.'"

 God listened to her and replied, "No bread. No milk. No problem." Jenny listened and that was that! I made up that last part by the way.

Jenny recalls the moment she started to believe that her son was "recovered." It was while he was watching an episode of Spongebob. She said, "I heard Evan laugh...I jumped on the bed and started screaming. When he finally hugged me, I prayed, 'Please God don't let this be the only time.'"



She will continue to be an advocate for autism awareness. Jenny said that she recently tried to speak to John McCain about it, because he's spoken about autism and vaccines before. Jenny said, "McCain had come out and said he thinks there's enough evidence between vaccines and autism, so I got on a helicopter [to meet him for] an on-camera interview. By the time I got there, the campaign manager said, 'He's ahead in the polls, and this is too controversial, and he doesn't want to go one way or the next.'"



I'm sure Jenny replied with, "THAT'S BULLSHIT!"

Posh Beckham was in Madrid today wearing cocktail stirrer heels. Some gap-toothed motherfuckers could floss with that heel. Seriously. Only this skinny ass ho could get away with this shit. Bitches who weigh over 50 pounds would snap that heel in two after taking two steps. Posh might as well walk around on stilts.

Alien Princess RiRi and Chris Brown have been "going around" for a while now, but they've never admitted it. So who knows if he'll be pissed off to learn that she's been "canoodling" with Kanye West. Wait, I don't think Kanye "canoodles." He CANOODLES. Sorry.

Some nosy bitch tells Star Magazine that the two were getting all into it backstage at T.I.'s concert on October 3rd in Los Angeles. They said, "Rihanna was sitting on Kanye's lap, singing along to the music. Before long, the two were full-on kissing each other. People were shocked. After a while, Rihanna must have realized people were watching, because she had her security escort her back to the dressing room."

You know, I'm okay with this. I think I actually like these two together. RiRi and Kanye are a perfect match. I bet you Kanye screams all day and all night. That's probably his normal voice and he really has to work to not shout all the time. That's a lot for a regular girl to take. Thankfully, RiRi's gigantic tenhead will block Kanye's sound waves from ever reaching her precious ears. With his massive ego and her enormous plasma head, they will definitely go far as a couple.

Here's Alien Princess RiRi at the Spirit of Life Awards in L.A. last night. Somewhere sitting in a cage is a cockatoo with a naked head. RiRi scalped that bitch.

The elegant British flower known as Jodie Marsh has pulled a HoHan and is now playing clit hockey with another chick. 29-year-old (yes, in human years) Jodie says she's known Nina for around 12 years. Nina is Jodie's hairdresser and they've been scissoring for a couple of weeks now.

Jodie tells Now Magazine, "I've had loads of shit men. I can see why women turn lesbian, because you get to the point where you're sick of hearing so much fucking bullshit, so you start to look elsewhere. Nina's really sexy. She asked me out and we've been on a few dates. I think she's a cool girl. I love the way she kisses and she doesn't fuck me about. I feel comfortable with her. Nina's as sexy as any man."

I think Jodie was misquoted when she said she's had "loads of shit men." She really meant that she's been shit on by loads of men. Just wanted to clear that up.

This kind of thing happens to all sluts. Jodie has probably fucked (and infected) 95% of the men in the UK, so now she has to "turn lesbian" if she wants to get her pure oyster eaten. By the time she's effed her way through 95% of the gayelles in the UK, a new batch of dicks will be available for her.

Thanks Cindi

This is not right. A big pile of fish sticks and the biggest one of them all is nowhere to be seen? If you're going to get a bitch to promote fish sticks, there's only ho you should ask. Those shady fish sticks lying on that plate are two-faced bitches. How dare they betray their queen. I feel bad for her.

Anyfishy, David Beckham was at Wembley Stadium in London today to promote a new line of healthier frozen shit called GO3. The shit is supposed to be good for you because it's made with omega-3 fish oil. The line will carry fried fish dicks, pasta and other crap.

I'm no health freak, nor do I pretend to be, but fish sticks aren't the healthiest thing around. Right? If they are, then I should eat more of those things, because they taste delicious. Shut the hell up! They do! Put a couple of fish sticks in a corn tortilla, nuke that shit, squeeze some mayo on it and you have yourself a delicious ghetto fish taco.

Here's more of Becks, his busted teeth and a bunch of kids at Wembley today. I also threw in some pictures of Fishsticks Paltrow looking weepy on the streets of London yesterday. She must know about the betrayal.

That poor mic has no idea what's about to happen to it - IDLYITW

Naked tennis lessons with Andy Roddick for $15k! - Towleroad

Sweaty George Clooney in Puerto Rico - Popsugar

Traci Bingham is a natural beauty - Hollywood Tuna

Zachary Quinto's amazing eyebrow action on EW - Just Jared

Ceiling Eyes gets dunked by Ellen (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Stacy Keibler is technically topless - Egotastic!

Alien Posh lands in Germany - Lainey Gossip

Guy Ritchie thinks Vadge is obsessed with herself. In other news, I ate a bowl of soup - Hollywood Rag

Full of fugly: knuckle tattoos - Cityrag

File this under: big beautiful ponies gone wild!

Meet 12-year-old Fat Boy from England. Early Tuesday morning, Fat Boy escaped from his stable and broke into a nearby garden where he partied like a Wino by feasting on fermented apples. The rotting apples had begun to ferment and produce alcohol. Can I get the recipe?

Fat Boy must have boozed way too much, because as he made his way across the garden, he accidentally stumbled into the pool. Okay, that's not really a pool. It's more like a swamp ditch.

He was discovered a while later by Sarah Penhaligon who heard his drunk splashes from her bedroom. Sarah went to the pool to see if she could help him. He was splashing around, trying to get out. Sarah tried to calm him by giving him more booze apples. Enabler!

Sarah then figured she should call the po po for help. Police officer and firefighters quickly showed up. After two hours of work, they were finally able to pull the party pony out of the cesspool. Fat Boy was returned to his owner. He's currently drying out at Promises rehab facility in Malibu, CA.

Once Fat Boy breaks out of rehab, I need to party with him. We'll get some booze apples, a couple of hookers, a few grams of sugar cubes and just go wild.

Yesterday, some dumb fuck quotes from Denis Leary's upcoming book made the rounds and now he's trying to fix the situation by saying his comments were taken out of his context. In his book, Why We Suck: A Feel-Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid, Denis writes that autism is an excuse used by bad parents. He really brought it to the shit farm by writing, "I don't give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you - yer kid is NOT autistic. He's just stupid. Or lazy. Or both."

Denis issued a statement to E! saying it's just a misunderstanding that can be solved by reading his book, specifically the chapter "Autism Schmautism," where the quotes were taken from. He says that little bites from his book do not clearly represent his point of view.

Denis goes on to babble, "I not only support the current rational approaches to the diagnoses and treatment of real autism but have witnessed it firsthand while watching very dear old friends raise a functioning autistic child. The point of the chapter is not that autism doesn't exist - it obviously does - and I have nothing but admiration and respect for parents dealing with the issue, including the ones I know. The bulk of the chapter deals with grown men who are either self-diagnosing themselves with low-level offshoots of the disease or wishing they could as a way to explain their failed careers and troublesome progeny."

Please, he leaked those quotes himself. I would read his book, but I would rather stare at a hot pile of caca. It's the same thing.

Wait. Hold up. Am I one of the "grown men" he's talking about? How dare he! He doesn't know my life! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lay on the coach and recite my ABCs. It's a daily thing I do, so that I never forget.

Robert Pattinson is one of the stars in that "Twilight" movie. I only know this because a few crazy fangirls have sent me e-mails filled with CAPS and lots of exclamation points demanding that I spread the word about their new god. A god with magical hair. I'm not even sure what his face looks like because my eyes are hypnotized by the unicorn forest on top of his head.

Oh, how I want to frolic naked through his hair. I want to have a picnic lunch on top of his scalp before taking a nap on the top of one of his strands. I won't have to worry about anything hurting me, because nothing gets past his wondrous jungle. He's tried to cut it in the past, but the scissors break whenever they touch one of his precious hairs. And when he takes a shower, the water beads bounce off his mop. His hair will outlive us all.

Here's a few more of the magical forest and its owner at the Los Angeles premiere of "Sex Drive" last night.