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Drop everything! Everything needs to be put on hold now. This is major news. Why isn't CNN covering this? Why hasn't there been a press conference about this international development? Why can't we hear the aliens singing this news through the universe?

Anywhocares, Suri Cruise's bangs were practically dragging on the ground, so it looks like Tommy Girl finally programmed Stepford Katie to take their little doll down to the haircutters. Or maybe Tommy used his safety scissors to give Suri the Ramona Quimby. You know he keeps that book in the shitter. It makes him giggle. He thinks that Ramona is so "NEAT!" And he totally punches the air when he says "NEAT!"

And some of you have pointed out that Suri is running around without a jacket or some shit. It seems like it's always summertimes in Suri's world. Well, that's because it is! Tommy Girl had a special temperature-controlled bubble made just for Suri! He got the blueprint from his main concubine Johnny Travolta. See, that explains why it's always 80-degrees for Suri!

Here's Suri, that woman and some creepy bodyguard-type in NYC's Central Park today.

Amy Wino is known for talking to bitches who buzz on her intercom. She's like the crack version of Charlie. A French reporter sashayed up to her little talking box yesterday and Wino gave her an impromptu interview. Wino mainly talked about her Blake. Yes, she said Blake and not BLAAAAAKE. For real. Something in the crack pipe ain't smoky. Or something like that. Seriously, Wino doesn't sound like herself! What am I supposed to call her now? The Non-Crackie of Camden? The Cookie of Camden? The Caca of Camden? It's just not the same.....

Who spiked her crack with vitamins?! Fess up!

So Katherine Heeeiggggl is holding you in her clammy arms, her mouth is wide open with her tongue in easy reach and what do you do about it? Well, if you care about mankind at all, you bite her tongue off to shut her up forever!!! Unfortunately, this doggy friend did no such thing. He might have done differently if he knew he would win a Nobel Peace Prize, a Pulitzer, an Oscar, two Emmys, Best in Show at Westminster and the 2008 United States presidential election.

I forgive him. He was probably too busy holding his breath because of the rancid ciggie caca vapors coming out of her mouth.

Here's a few more of Heeeeeeigggl and the doggy friend who let us down at the opening of Peter Alexander's store in Los Angeles.

Annie Hathaway's former beard Raffaello Follieri was sentenced to four and a half years in the chokey today for messing with Jesus. Zach Braff's clone pleaded guilty in September for wire fraud, money laundering and conspiracy after he pretended to be the CFO of the Vatican. He stole millions from investors.

In addition to serving four and a half years in the concrete resort, Raffy also got 3 years of supervised probation. He will start serving his sentence today.

Something tells me that's not the only sentence that was handed down to him today. This bitch ass has earned a prime spot next to us on the Winnebago to the 9th circle of Hell.

I wonder how Annie took the news? She was probably eating a chunky tuna sammy, looked up, pulled a celery string out of her teeth, shrugged and then kept chomping.

Being a successful gold digger is so much more than just stealing a mountain of cash from a sugar daddy and spending it on platinum dildos and diamond clitty rings. Once you have that money, you have to put together some kind of business plan to keep that cash working for you for years to come. All whores have to be smart about their cash. I watch "Cathouse" on HBO. All these hookers have "plans" or something. Unfortunately, Heather Mills is not one of those smart whores.

The Sun reports that Heather has already burned through $20 million of her $50 million divorce settlement in just seven months. What has she actually been buying? Heather has spent most of her cash on her homes of sin. She reportedly had a $2 million pool put into her England home. She bought a $5 million apartment in NYC and spent around $12 million in renovating her other joints. Heather also paid her staff members around $500,000. Recently, she donated $1 million in vegetarian food to a group of kids in the Bronx. Yes, because kids really love tofu dogs and bird seed patties.

Some source said, "Heather's been moaning her money isn't going as far as she thought, but she's just burning her way through it. She reckons she has spent £10million since the divorce and still doesn't have a finished house to live in. She hasn't changed. In her eyes the whole world is against her."

Oh Heather, your eyes aren't lying to you, but you have to be a smart whore. Looks don't last forever....or in your case.....your wooden leg isn't going to stay fresh for eternity. You have to depend on yourself, because there's probably not a rich man on this planet who will get near you without at least a dozen lawyers surrounding him. Learn to be a frugal slut. And if you really need money that bad, then you can always leak a sex tape. Hey, some bitches are into that sort of shit!

Please stock up on Easy Mac, Count Chocula and Astrolglide, because I might be coming over for a lengthy visit soon. You see, Tommy Girl is taking over the East Village part of Manhattan! T

Page Six reports that in the last two months Tommy Girl has bought up several apartments in his East Village building. When Tommy and his lil' robots came to town, they set up camp in a 10th floor apartment he's owned since the 80s. They decided they needed to expand, so he bought 4 more apartments.

A source said, "They turned one into Suri's playroom. One they use for a gym, and two apartments are for staff. They're all separate and on different floors. Tom is seen coming in and out all the time, and he's really friendly to everyone he meets. But Katie just kind of keeps her head down. Everyone in the neighborhood is buzzing about it."

This is how it starts. Soon Tommy will own the whole building and then another and another and another... Before you know it the neighborhood be filled with robots, alien fuckers and repressed homos with hungry genitals. Wait. Repressed homos are a sure thing, right? What am I thinking?! If I suck Scientolocock, the aliens win! E.T. will never get me!

What in praying mantis alien hell is that on the cover of Vogue India? They should have just put a taper candle with a greasy wig on the cover. The taper candle would've given the same cuntface. Posh's face looks like one of those creepy female masks. Clip Below:

Double the whore! Double the wonk! - IDLYITW

Guess that ass? - Cityrag

Halle Berry and Hot Sperm Donor are moving to Canada (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ryan Gosling is "canoodling" me with his eyes. ME not you! - Popsugar

The dolphin boy is not going away - Just Jared

Heather Graham's incredibly sinking chichis - Egotastic!

Tori the Hutt's piece sucking on a popsicle - Lainey Gossip

Whoopi on damage control - Defamer

BOOBS! Jennifer Tilly has them and they are amazing - Hollywood Rag

Breaking! Lily Allen looks sober - Hollywood Tuna

Homo horsey for the win! - Towleroad

Please pray for Mickey Rourke's dog. This animal has seen things that no creature should ever have to see. Things that he can never unsee no matter how hard he rubs hie eyeballs with his little paws. Just imagine having to wake up to that face every morning. It's like watching "The Ring video" over and over again.

And that's not a collar the pooch is wearing, it's a built-in defibrillator.

Here's Mickey, his face of death and scaredy pooch in Rome.

America has gotten her way and HoHan is out of "Ugly Betty." That's what Kristin at E! claims anyway. Some "high-level insider" claims that HoHan will not be back and that they're cutting her ass out of future episodes she's already shot. Hold up. How does one become a high-level insider? What's the application process like? What kind of skills do you need? Does your office door say "high-level insider" on it? I like that. ANYWAYS....

Ugly Betty quit that bitch because she was not into creating a character. The high-level insider said: "She was more interested in just playing herself, and that doesn't work on a show like this with such heightened reality."

Hahahaha! That's so endearing. They thought HoHan was a real actress. Awww. Who wants to break the news to them that HoHan isn't really an actress and Santa Claus lives in the South Pole not the North.

Page Six has also gotten in on the action. Their sources say that HoHan was a wreck on the set. Apparently, she chain-smoked, trashed her dressing room and always had a huge entourage with her. When she wasn't sucking on fags, she would cut pictures of herself out of tabloids for some kind of scrapbook project. What a crafty lezzie! Think about the things she can make out of dried menstrual berries. Martha Stewart better watch it.

America and HoHan weren't exactly best girlfriends either. In one scene, HoHan character's pulled down Betty's pants to expose her granny chonies. Betty gets revenge by doing the same thing to HoHan. When America pulled her pants down, HoHan's chewed-up fatty worm lips were flapping in the breeze.

HoHan's friend said this is not what happened. They said: "Bullshit! Lindsay wears underwear all the time now. She was wearing a G-string. And it was America's fault. They were rehearsing the scene and America wasn't supposed to pull Lindsay's pants down - but she did. Lindsay was so embarrassed, she started crying."

For why would HoHan cry? We've ALL seen it up close. We've all been intimate with HoHan's crotch. Most of us have it in our T-Mobile Fav 5.

The friend went on to say that America is the reason why HoHan is off the show. She didn't like her, so she got her fired.

Well, now that HoHan has fucked that up, what will become of the little ginge gayelle? I hear a Shot of Love is looking for a replacement.....