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No, this is not Dee Snyder and Catwoman's broken condom pre-op baby. It's Xtina in her new video for that "Keeps Gettin' Better" song. And no, it doesn't get any better. In fact, if you've watched the whole thing, you're probably asleep, having nightmares of that scary-tranny-clown-cat-creature-thing.

This shit is like "War Games," an "America's Next Top Model" photo shoot and a Chico's commercial rolled into one. Okay, I'll admit that I do like the Chico's portion of the video where she's riding a bike through a field of homo flowers. Although, she's not having a Chico's kind of day with that bootleg Lady GaGa shit on her head.

Click here if you can't see the video above

Thanks Donnie

These are the pictures from Tommy Girl roasting Matt Lauer in NYC the other night. Tommy better have doubled-up on his big boy panties, because you know the ass pudding was a flowin' when he hugged Matt. Tommy was barfing from his ass and peen holes. Tommy is so giddy that he wants to jump on that table, punch the air and scream, "YES! YES!" Matt is doing his best to hold it together, but he was probably really uncomfortable when Tommy's wet Scientolorod tried to kiss at his private area.

It's been one of those fucking days. The kind of day where you just want to crawl inside the vodka bottle and watch "Facts of Life" re-runs from it. Because of this, I'm grateful that I watched this Bill Cosby on ESPN clip. It gave me my first real laugh of the day! I have no idea what he's saying or what he's doing with his mouth, but I wish he wouldn't stop. His face at the end sealed the deal for me. Bill Cosby needs to adopt me so that we can eat Jello pudding all day and he can make that face for me whenever I want.

VIA ONTD

You see that chick all the way to the left, the blondie? Well, I guess she used to be a member of that group of raggedy tramps who call themselves Danity Kane, but she's not anymore. According to Elvis Duran, Shannon has quit the group after Aubrey O'Day and D. Woods were sent back to the skank factory. Shannon bounced out of that ho party because she was sick of Diddy and all the drama. She was also sick of the other members asking her, "What's your name again?" over and over again. They probably haven't even realized she's gone yet. Oh well, I'm sure you can catch Shannon in a couple of months serving pancakes at some diner in Oregon. Hmmm...pancakes.....

This leaves the group with only two members. Basically, this shit is done here. It's not going to work with only two chicks. Wendy & Lisa they ain't!!!

Now that Diddy has a little more free time, he can work on bringing back together Mickey Mouse Club's "The Party." I listened to their tape (yes, tape) like 5 times this fucking weekend. They are some truly talented individuals. I mean, they can sing, rap and they have hot moves. They need a major comeback. View their hotness below:

This is the part I hate. It's been confirmed that the young body found this morning is in fact 7-year-old Julian King. Jennifer Hudson positively identified the body of her nephew. Police sources say he was fatally shot multiple times.

The police held a press conference this afternoon and really didn't give any details. They continued to say that William Balfour is only a person of interest.

This is truly horrific and there really are no words. Beyond heartbreaking.

There are certain things that every home should have: a double-sided dildo, a George Foreman grill and a paper shredder. The latter can be used for everything from destroying pictures of your exes to shredding love letters you have written to Carrot Top but never have gotten the courage to send. And if the IRS ever knocks on your door, then you don't have to worry about trying to eat all your documents, because you have a handy shredder at your disposal! A shredder is exactly the kind of gadget Mary Louise Parker needs.

You see, some trash trolls (cough*olsens*cough) have been sifting through the trash cans of celebrities in the West Village part of Manhattan. The trash trolls are spilling whatever shit they find to the papers. One of the trash trolls recently sent a letter to Page Six claiming they went through Mary Louise Parker's crap and found drug prescriptions for thyroid medication. Yeah, thrilling shit.

A West Village resident said, "This is incredibly creepy. It's like nothing is sacred. I hope they find the nut job who's doing this."

That kind of crap is common around these parts. I often see scallywags going through the trash hoping to find something good. I don't know what's worth going through the trash, because people throw away some effed up shit. Yeah, you might find one of Mary Louise's prescriptions, but imagine all the doody, dirty tampons and chunky vomit you'd have to go through to get to it.

Birthday: ?????
Age: I can't even guess.
Birth Name: see above

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 25, 2008
Claim to Fame: Julie is a cabaret performer, former Geraldo guest, Miss Fire Island 1997 and a YouTube star. Lately, Julie has also become the star of many of my own nightmares.

Where is she now? She's right behind you.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because I'm obsessed, intrigued and scared shitless! I don't know why I'm so scared, a lot of the chicks in Hollywood look like Julie Masking.

If you're brave enough, click here to see some NSFW pictures of Julie's masked titties!

Alert the fucking media! Posh is wearing flip flops! Louboutin stocks have plummeted! - Popsugar

Pretty pretty Zac Efron is not wearing a blouse - Just Jared

The Ashley Todd pumpkin! - Towleroad

Jakey Poo and his bowl of cold oatmeal are back - Lainey Gossip

Holly Madison just doesn't give a fuck anymore - Hollywood Tuna

Gross ass Halloween food that I would still devour - Cityrag

Traci Bingham with her mobile home (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Sookie from "True Blood" is nekked again, but when are we going to see Bill's skin stake? - Egotastic!

Nicole Richie wants to adopt a baby - Hollywood Rag

Elle Macpherson knows how to pick them - IDLYITW

Michael Lohan should just change his name to STFU, because that's the first thing I think of whenever I see his name. Over the weekend, at some party in NYC, Michael told New York Magazine that he needs to start keeping his family shit private. Yeah, this turtle-necked motherfucker is talking to the media about how he shouldn't talk to the media. The hell?

Specifically, Michael is sowwy for calling SamRo meanie mean names. He said (pinch your nose, because his words smell like caca), "I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I'm a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I've learned that now."

Michael suffers from a rare condition called Chronic Mouth Diarrhea. I also suffer from this, but there's no cure for me. However, there is a cure for Michael. You see that hideous cell phone holder on his waist that's burning my eyes? In order to fix his problem, Michael just has to take that thing and shove it all the way down his throat. It would shut him up and it would also make that fugly ass cell holder disappear. Two birds!

VIA UsWeekly

Jennifer Aniston and ultra manwhore Gerard Butler had dinner together in Los Angeles last week. Jen must have given her #1 stalking victim, John Mayer, the night off. A source told Page Six that Jen and Gerry weren't alone, "They were very affectionate to each other. There was another man at the table, but he looked like he was a chaperone - or just there to stop tongues wagging. They basically ignored him."

According to Star, the other dude at the table was director Andy Tennant and the three were just having a business meeting.

Please, tell that to Gerard's peen. It's never business with that thing. Gerry just asked Andy to come along just in case Jenny's vagina got loose and attacked his spermies sack!

John Mayer probably got his period and stormed out on Jenny. Instead of staying home and playing "fake wedding" with her cat friends, Jenny pulled out the yellow pages and looked up "manslut for the night." And there was Gerry's picture smiling back at her. Seriously. This is what Gerry does. He cures sad vaginas.

I wouldn't mind these two together solely for the fact that they would have an amazing couple name: AnisBut!