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Vadge is the most controlling controller whoever controlled, so it shouldn't come to a complete shock that she made Guy Ritchie agree to a marriage contract. The contract was filled with insane rules like how often they should fuck and what words they should using during arguments. I'm guessing "fuck you cunt" wasn't one of the allowed phrases?

According to The Sun, the document was posted around the house and whenever he was a bad slave and broke the rules, she would say, "Contract, Guy, contract." I bet he had to sign it with the blood from his ripped out nutsack.

Here's just some of the rules on Vadge's "I OWN YOU" contract:

Guy must work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Guy must devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

Guy must only use certain words during arguments to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

Guy must never shout and instead say, “I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this."

Guy must devote time to sex sessions and not use sex as a stick to beat one another.

They couldn't beat each other with their sex sticks?! No wonder Vadge always looks like she has blue balls. All she needed to do was to beat Guy with her "sex stick." And trust me, she has one of those. It's just usually stuck up her ass.

I totally believe Vadge has contracts and rules for everything. The hulk-lady is crazy. She probably even schedules her bowel movements down to the second. If one of her butt nuggets is even a millisecond late, she yells at her asshole and writes up her intestines.

Methinks we've found Brit Brit's next baby daddy. This is Bill Pullman's 19-year-old son Jack and he was arrested last night in Asheville, NC for allegedly beating a government official and possessing moonshine. Moonshine! Party like we're in prohibition times!

WLOS reports that cops arrested Jack and his friend in Downtown Asheville Monday night. They must have made quite a ruckus because they were charged with resisting officers, underage drinking, having moonshine and assaulting a government official. I'm sure cops figured out shit wasn't right when Jack stumbled out of the alley carrying a big jug with three Xs on it in one hand and a stick of possum jerky in the other.

Does moonshine make you howl at the moon too? Because that's what this bitch is doing in his mugshot. I want to howl at the moon too. Unfortunately, I don't know anybody who sells moonshine, so I googled for the recipe. I can barely make Easy Mac, so there's no way I can make my this shit. Making moonshine takes serious skill. A skill that can only be found in inbred gene pools.

When Kim Zolciak of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" proclaimed on the show that she was twenty-fucking-nine, television sets across America simultaneously received a huge load of various soft drink brands on their screens. You could hear the millions of cackles from space. Well, Kim stands by her story and she blogged about it:

Wow!!! As you can see by watching this episode things have changed. I planned a breakfast with Nene, Cori, and Sheree so we can catch up and spend time together. Nene, Cori, and I were at the Intercontinental when I found out Sheree was so sick. I felt terrible for her -- she doesn't have a husband that can take care of her so I figured I would bring her some medicine. It was great to see her. I couldn't believe how sick she was and how GREAT she looked.

Sheree and I met through NeNe a couple years ago and we are just now beginning to get to know each other. I really like Sheree. We are both divorced and our children are close in age, as well as we are both chasing our dreams. The more time I spend with her the more I like her.

Since Sheree couldn't attend the breakfast I planned a spa day at Kai Spa. I invited Sheree, NeNe, and my BFF Cori. I love the spa. I love to take care of my skin. ALTHOUGH all the blogging going on states "I can't possibly be 29" I am actually 30 years old now.

You know it took her hours to write that last sentence. When she hit the "3" on her keyboard, it kept coming up as "4." She couldn't figure out what was going on. Well, any self-respecting keyboard cannot tell a lie! I can't wait until next week's episode where NeNe calls that bitch out on her age! I can always count on NeNe to tell the fucking truth.

Besides the preview for next week's hopefully hot episode, nothing really happened last night. DeShawn's big gala was a big bust, because she didn't sell enough "jooree." Big Papa bought Kim some ugly ass bracelet you can get at Claire's. And Kim backstabbed NeNe by palling around with Sheree, who really does remind me of the Lady Chablis from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil! It would make my year if I could watch Sheree to say "I'm the Lady Chablis! Hear me roar!"

UPDATE: Last week, Sandra Rose posted a court document which states that Kim is in fact 30. I just can't believe this shit. Even if you handed me her birth certificate, I still couldn't say she's 30 without busting out laughing. I won't believe this shit until you build me a time machine and take me back to 1978 to witness her birth!

Thanks Elizabeth, Cisco & Lahoma

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale took their new two-month old baby, Zuma Nesta Rock, to a place called "the library" today. I've heard of that place before and I think I've seen it in movies, but I didn't know it was real. You learn something new every day.

Zuma Nesta Rock looks about as confused with his name as we are. I think he's still trying to figure out why the fuck his parents made him sound like an energy drink or a planned community in Arizona. I'm sure some of you get weepy every time you see his name, because Zuma reminds you of Zima and you're still mourning the demise of your favorite malt beverage.

Katie Price was once again out in London today whoring out her line of hair vibrators, pube irons and dirt star dryers.

Katie was obviously getting into the Halloween early spirit by wearing this fugly shit out in public. On the right side, she looks like a broke down go-go dancer on the missing episode of "The Jetsons." You know, the one where Judy is forced to dance topless at a strip club to bail Rosie out of jail after she was wrongfully accused of child touching Elroy. Katie played her nemesis. On the left side, she looks like Jem's slow half-sister who suffers from chronic cold ankle syndrome.

And don't try to blame this fuckery on Harvey!

Robert Pattinson as Salvador Dali - What did they do to his magical hair?! - Towleroad

Brit Brit might host SNL next month. She better play Bristol Palin - Just Jared

Clitoris Leachman going crazy on Kimmel (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Anne Hathaway smoking a fag in her undiewears - Egotastic!

I'm freezing my asshole off and Nicolette Sheridan is in L.A. parading around in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna

David Beckham acts like he's never around booty. Oh wait... - A Socialite's Life

Penny Cruz looking like a used tampon with Daniel Day-Lewis on the set of Nine - Popsugar

Beyonce is a mannequin - IDLYITW

Vadge wanted to fill her pool with Kabbalah water - Hollywood Rag

The sluttiest celebrity Halloween costumes - Cityrag

Barbara Walters might have officially lost her mind - Lainey Gossip

Which British female singer has such a bad BO problem, her poor entourage are forced to restrict their breathing to avoid inhaling her sweaty fumes? (3AM Girls)

Most of you will probably guess Wino, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say Joss Stone? She looks like she wears that crystal deodorant and that shit almost never works. I've tried!

This female tweener star may want to head on over to her doctor. Why do you ask? Well her tweener boyfriend picked up the gift that Paris made popular. And here we thought they were monogamous. (Crazy Days and Nights via Gawker)

Jamie Lynn? Taylor Swift? Selena Gomez? Ugh. Why do I know these girls' names?

Which celebrity couple has secretly wed but still haven’t told anyone except their immediate families? One is more famous than the other, but you would recognize both names. He wouldn’t mind telling people, but she is extremely protective of their privacy after a negative experience with the paparazzi a while back. (Blind Gossip)

Brit Brit and Chester? Or Anison and Mayer? Or Jessica and Romo?

The Lucille Ball of reality dance shows was given her walking stumbling papers last night from that one show featuring half-nekkid has-beens dry bumping on ballroom dancers. Some H8RS have been waiting for this moment including that fake bitch Carrie Ann!

On Monday's show, Carrie Ann basically said that Cloris needs to go. And then after her elimination last night, Carrie Ann said she loved her! Carrie Ann, please go choke on CHERYL BURKE'S mop head and stop faking your love for Cloris!

Anyway, Cloris doesn't need that dollar store trophy! After she downs a couple of Thunderbird and Metamucils (she's hardcore like that), she's off to Berlin to start shooting "Inglourious Basterds" with Brad Pitt. Once she's done with that, she might play Frau Blücher in "Young Frankenstein" on Broadway. Cloris really wanted the role when the show first opened on Broadway, but producers thought she would die during the run, so they rejected her memaw ass. Cloris told OK!, "Mel Brooks wants me to come back to Broadway and take over my role in the musical Young Frankenstein. We’ll talk about that and figure it out.”

Now that front-runner (HA!) Cloris is out of the way, that pretty much means Brooke Burke is going to win this crap. Yawnsville. America has forgotten that this is TV show and not a fucking dance contest! Vote for the hot bitches not the dumb whores who can dance. Who cares about that!?

I'm also sad to see Cloris go, because that means I probably won't be typing her name as much. My dyslexic ass has accidentially typed "clitoris" instead of "Cloris" on numerous occasions. Oddly enough, typing the word "clitoris" kind of gives me a tingle down there.

Wino's twin brother, Russell Brand, and his prank calling partner, Jonathan Ross, were suspended by the BBC today after leaving gross messages on the voicemail of 78-year-old Fawlty Towers star Andrew Sachs. The pre-recorded show aired during Russell's Saturday night time slot.

In the voicemails, the two tell Andrew that Russell fucked his granddaughter Georgina Baillie. They also joked that Andrew Sachs might kill himself after finding this shit out. Above is the offending clip. I listened to the whole thing and I want my 9-minutes back so that I can use it for something productive like cleaning my dildo. Nothing offends me anymore, but it did give me a slight headache. I think our childhood crank calling sessions were more interesting than this shit.

The BBC received around 18,000 complaints. Because of this, they have announced that both Russell and Jonathan's shows are temporarily suspended while they investigate this shit. Russell makes around £200,000 a year for his show and Jonathan Ross makes £6 million a year for his hosting duties.

The Prime Minister even commented on this fuckery, “This is clearly inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, as is now widely recognized. Ofcom have said they will investigate the matter and it is for the BBC, the BBC Trust and Ofcom to take any appropriate action.”

Andrew Sachs said that he was not surprised about the suspension, but he isn't going to report the matter to the police. WHAT?! Go to jail for talking trash?! I'm a goner.

Andrew's granddaughter, who performs as Volptua in a burlesque group called the Satanic Sluts, told The Sun that she wants them both fired for her humiliating her. She said, “Russell Brand has embarrassed me by making a private relationship very public in the cruelest way imaginable. We were lovers but I trusted him as a friend as well. He has betrayed me for a few cheap laughs and left my grandfather distraught. Is that what the BBC calls entertainment?”

Okay, what's more embarrassing here? The world knowing that you effed Russell Brand? Or the fact that you're in a group called the Satanic Sluts? Click here to see Volptua's MySpace.

And here's some pictures of Russell dressed as Lindsay HoHan as he leaves his home and THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) in London yesterday.

UPDATE: Russell Brand quit that bitch today. He issued this statement: "I have apologized to Andrew Sachs for the rude messages I left on Oct 18th and he has graciously accepted. As I only do the radio show to make people laugh I've decided that given the subsequent coverage I will stop doing the show."