Archives

The other day, Wonky McValtrex was out working the stroll looking like a grimey used condom left in the gutter for the water roaches to pick at. Last night in London, Jodie Marsh wore something similar except she looked like a stunning black pearl floating in the golden sea. Jodie has more elegance in one of her pussy pimples than Wonky has in her whole entire body.

It looks like Jodie might have gotten a few new tattoos? Oh wait. I shouldn't call them tattoo when referring to Jodie. I should call them exquisite pieces of body art. I think one of them is a portrait of Buddy Holly. Buddy must be crying from heaven...because he's so proud that such a fine creature has paid homage to him.

Here's a few more of the always demure Jodie leaving a London club after getting a train ran on her in the bathroom last night. I could lay on her memory foam chichis for the rest of my days.

In the November issue of Marie Claire (via NYDN), HoHan says she knows that one day she'll replace her one hitter with a baby rattle. She tells the magazine that she wants to adopt a baby of some sort in the future.

HoHan said, "At some point ... I want to adopt a kid ... A child in need or a newborn from another country. I'm not sure yet."

I know where HoHan's coming from. Every now and again that maternal feeling washes over me. Yes, being around BABIES sometimes makes my nails sweat, but maybe they make medication for that.

I mean, there are times when I'm home alone and I think about how wonderful it would be to have a Baby Friend to keep me company. Baby Friend can hand me my cocktail when I'm too lazy to bend over and get it from the coffee table. Baby Friend can even stroke my back with its tiny hands while I'm barfing into the toilet. Baby Friend can also crawl down to the street corner to pick up my dime bag from the dealer. And if I ever get pulled over for a DUI, I can switch places with Baby Friend and it can take the fall. I'm too fragile for jail, but my future Baby Friend is not. Baby Friend wants what's best for me.

So I completely understand why HoHan wants a Baby Friend of her own one day.

The National Enquirer ran a story this week claiming Rachael Ray's doctors found a growth on her throat that requires surgery and will leave her silent for two months. Oh. I just learned I have telekinetic powers, because I know exactly what you're thinking and I couldn't fucking agree with you more.

Well, Rachael says the Enquirer is lie-telling and her chicken pot pie hole won't be shut for two months.

E-V-O-that-sucks.

However, Rachael is having a minor surgery to remove a benign cyst on her vocal cord. A friend says she's not sick and is totally fine. Her spokeswhore tells People, "It's a common in-and-out procedure that she will have in early December and it will not adversely effect any of her daytime show or Food Network tapings."

Well, it's lovely to know that we'll still be subjected to Rachael's beautiful sandpaper trucker voice for years to come! I can just listen to her talk all day long. I can't get enough. Rachael can blab while I put rusty nails in my eyes. When I put hot knives in my ears, she can keep talking. She can even keep yapping while I stick acid covered needles in my pee hole. I can listen to her forever and ever and ever..... until Hell finally takes pity on me and swallows me whole.

In case you haven't heard the gigantic news, Manuel Uribe is getting married!!! There's hope for us all!

Manuel, who was named the world's fattest dude back in 2006, announced that he will tie the roll with his girlfriend of four years Claudia Solis on October 26th in Monterrey, Mexico.

They haven't decided on a location, but Manuel will have to be towed through the streets on his bed, because he can't walk. It will be like a wedding parade! Only not.

Back in 2006 when Guinness declared him the chunkiest chunk who ever chunked, he weighed 1,230. Thanks to love and support from Claudia, he has lost 550 pounds. She probably snuck Fen-Phen into his Gansitos.

Manuel said that he will take only one bite of the wedding cake for pictures, but will stop there because of his diet. I think one bite to Manuel means the whole cake.

Congrats to Manuel and Claudia! I say we all put our pesos together and get Claudia some sexy lingerie for her wedding night! Sexy lingerie made out of crush-proof steel with a door in the crotch.

Source

Thanks Lisa

Margarita with one lime? CHECK! One of Mrs. Roper's old scarves? CHECK! The "I'm too good for this shit" face? CHECK! Five bodyguards? CHECK. Hoooold up. Why does Beyonce need five fucking bodyguards to protect her ass?

Beyonce, Solange is locked up in the basement all week. She can't get to you to ask for a job or a leftover weave. She can't bother you.

She probably has three bodyguards on her booty at all times. One is in charge of protecting her enoromous ego. And the other one is there because he's bald and everyone should have at least one security dude that sort of looks like Steve from "The Jerry Springer Shower."

And if Beyonce is going to have 5 bodyguards, she could at least hire hot ones. Hot ones who wear matching thong speedos while guarding their client at the beach. You know they hate her ass. The one in the back is thinking, "Why did I quit my security job at Walgreens for this fuckery?"

Smart Ass! Amy Smart give us a little crack and chichi in her new movie - Egotastic!

A worn out Katie Holmes wearing my abuelita's favorite cardigan - Just Jared

You need to know this: Jennifer Aniston got a new Blackberry - Popsugar

Christina Milian is not wearing panties (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Shemar Moore and Jennifer Aniston? NO. - Lainey Gossip

Is Jakey Poo bored with his beard already? - IDLYITW

Sophia Loren needs to stay away from Fuggie Fug - Hollywood Rag

Cynthia Nixon wants a change, but where's her hotter half? - Cityrag

MiserAlba and Panatroll should both be wearing muzzles - Hollywood Tuna

Bruno doing the same shit on a different day - Towleroad

When you first saw the pictures of SamRo in a two-piece, I'm sure you either:

a) Rubbed one off.
b) Vomited with your eyes.
c) Wondered what the secret is to her sexy bikini body?

If you're in the c-group then I have the answer for you! SamRo talked to People about the pictures of her in a bikini while vacationing with her lady friend HoHan. She said she wasn't happy about it, but laughed when she heard that some people were impressed by her body. When asked what her secret is, she said, "No gym – well, not in the last five years. All the credit goes to Mom and Dad and their genes!"

SamRo said the only time she gets exercise is when she's "sprinting through airports to catch flights." She went on to say, "I get winded just reaching for my cigarettes!"

Umm...err....she forgot to mention a couple of important ways she stays thin. I'm sure her all-coochie-diet has something to do with it. You can eat all you want and you don't get fat! You might have breath like a bucket of chum, but at least you won't have a fat ass.

She was lying when she said she didn't work out that much. I'm sure she burns at least a hundred calories by doing her daily cardio exercise of scissor bumping.

Just like this gigantic tranny pony will forever haunt my nightmares, Elisabeth Hasselbeck will continue to wreak havoc on "The View." She denied the rumors that she's taking her act to Fox News.

Her agent issued this statement to UsWeekly yesterday: "While Elisabeth Hasselbeck has a great relationship with Fox News, there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that she is leaving The View. Elisabeth is passionate in her beliefs and enjoys being a part of this dynamic group of women and engaging in daily conversations."

Since the devil isn't available to be a panelist on "The View," Elisabeth is a good second choice. The show will be all sorts of boring if Elisabeth wasn't there to make Joy rip out her pubic hairs in frustration.

Speaking of..... I am so fucking mad at those lazy bitches for not taping a live show today. "The View" aired a pre-taped episode today, so they didn't talk about last night's debate at all! Today was going to be the day that Whoopi and Joy team up and finally tear Elisabeth to pieces. That's if Elisabeth's head didn't pop off first.

A couple of weeks ago I bitched about how Tommy Girl needed to share some of his doll collection with Suri, because homegirl kept carrying around some busted ass doll. Well, Suri was out with a different doll yesterday and this shit is fugliest than the last one! Where is Tommy Girl buying this shit? The ScienToy Shop? They look like creepy cult dolls.

There have been a few pictures of Suri talking to her dolls and I bet you they talk back! They say shit like "Aliens are your friends" and "Daddy is the most handsome, talented, smartest little man of all time." And you know the new doll says "GLIB."

Here's a few more pictures of Suri looking pissed because they are making her walk. Doesn't Tommy look so masculine in his purple turtleneck? And what the hell is he holding? His porcelain ass-aphragm?

If you guessed Jacko, you're wrong. It's the master of disguise and Cheetos, Brit Brit Spears! Brit fooled the zillions of pappies waiting for her at LAX yesterday by wearing a ruffled blanky or some shit. And by "fooled" I mean they knew it was her all along. The strong scent of processed cheese, coffee dust and flea caca probably gave it away.

It looks like Brit's back to being on the paps' most wanted list. They act like they've never seen a hillbilly in a homemade Casper the Friendly Ghost costume. Seriously. It's just Brit!

And I must say that I do like this blanket over the head look. It covers up the possum's nest on her head.