Stepford Katie showed up to her daily "pap show" with Suri today wearing the exact same orange cult dress! Suri specifically told that dumb bitch not to wear the orange one. Katie's obviously got barley dust in her ears, but Suri will clean that shit out with computer dust later.
You know, I was thisclose to dressing as Suri for Halloween, but I get cold in the bones easily and don't want to run around without a coat on. Besides, I'd just end up looking LIKE THIS. That's exactly what Tommy Girl looks like when he plays dress up in Suri's clothes.
Douche-faced Mark Ronson (yes, I've fallen out of love) worked one of Diddy's Jizz Parties in the Hamptons recently and he took advantage of the bowl of delicious brownies that was being passed around. Mark claims he didn't know the brownies were filled with scrumptious chronic.
Mark tells Page Six, "I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving. They were coming around with this bowl of brownies, and I grabbed three of them and just started scarfing them down. After that, every lyric sounded like it was the Cookie Monster yelling in my ear, and I started feeling really shitty, but I had to play through the set. I couldn't just go up to Puffy and say, 'Sorry, I ate a shit-load of hash brownies, I can't do your White Party.' "
What does he expect? Everything at one of Doody's parties is probably laced with something. In addition to the pot brownies, he has meth pigs in a blanket, coke and cheese tarts and MDMA turkish cigars. That's the only way you can deal with Diddy's circle jerk of a soiree.
I probably would have taken a dozen brownies from the bowl, walked across the street, called in an "anonymous" drug tip and then enjoyed my delicious chocolate leaf goodies while watching the po-po take Doody away in cuffs.
Tila Tequila's partner in pussay, Courtenay Semel, got into a little altercation in August with a security guard at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas which led to her beating his ass. The beaten down security guard, Jaroslaw Jarczok, filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles yesterday asking for unspecified damages.
In the papers, Coleslaw (that's my nickname for him) says a drunken Nay Nay got all mouthy with him at around 4 in the morning. She got so out of hand that he had to cuff her ass. Nay Nay didn't feel like getting kinky, so she allegedly punched him in the face.
Now, most bitches would probably follow that up by screaming "Take that, motherfucker!" or "That's right bitch!" Nay Nay decided to go a different route. She shouted at the dude, "Do you even know who I am, fucking idiot?...Google me, you dumb fuck." She gets a 9 from me! She would've gotten a perfect 10 if she called him a "dumb cunt" instead.
Although, her father probably gave her a big 0 since he used to be the HBIC at Yahoo. Sorry, but "Yahoo me, you dumb fuck" just doesn't have the same charming ring to it.
Coleslaw also states in the papers that he's been humiliated and "anxious about receiving harassing comments by his friends." He should be. "Google me, you dumb fuck" is going to follow him around for the rest of his days.
Shit! I'm going to start using it. When a restaurant host asks my name, I'm going to respond with, "Google me, you dumb fuck!" When I call my sister and she asks who it is, you know what I'm going to say. You can use it for everything!
Nay Nay should really consider naming her first born "Google me, you dumb fuck!"
Yesterday, I wrote about the £100,000 fairytale wedding of 16-year-old Missy Quinn and 17-year-old Thomas. Missy's daddy paves driveways for a living, but he somehow managed to pay for this lavish affair complete with her £16,000 gorgeous wedding bikini-dress-thing.
Here's a few more pictures from Closer Magazine of the wedding of the year. These pictures just confirm that this is the way all weddings were meant to be. I need to track down the Quinn's caravan, because I must beg them to adopt me into their family. I have to be around this kind of glamour and elegance 24-hours a day.
There's probably an extra black hole in the earth's core from the intense glamour rays this wedding created. I'm surprised the world didn't break in two.
And don't show Chris Hansen or Peta the third thumbnail below.
Last night on Stylista (yes, I'm watching that trash), one of the gays, Jason, had a complete freak out, because he was so afraid that one of his fucktard teammates would call him out during judging.
It just started out as a rash (it always does) and quickly turned into a full-blown, pube-ripping, tongue biting, panic attack! I mean, this bitch was on the floor having some sort of exorcism! Some hos came to his aid, but other skanks (like that cunt Megan) just sat back and watched. They could have hit him with a dick or shoved a valium up his cooch! Something! The dude was hysterical. I shouldn't talk, because that's how I get when the bartender cuts me off at the bar.
Instead of freaking out, Jason should have taken his angst out on that cuntwitch Megan! I just want to smoosh her face into a piece of Play-Do so that I can mold it into a heart and then stomp all over it! She makes me so angry! Every time she comes on the screen, I want to take a dump in my favorite pair of shoes as punishment for willfully watching her fuckery!
In the end, the ambulance people came and carted Jason away to the nearest loony bin. No, he was just taken to the hospital, but showed up right before judging. I was expecting Anne Slowey to say to him, "You're such a drama queen!" That's what Miranda Priestley would've said.
Don't worry, Princess Zac is wearing waterproof mascara! - Just Jared
SamRo and HoHan take the subway! They're just like normal people! - Lainey Gossip
God hates signs - Towleroad
Sophie Monk posing in some elevator - Hollywood Tuna
Olivia Munn talks about clown porn, among other things - Egotastic!
Manwhore Brody Jenner kissing on some chick (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Rachel Bilson's dog is cuter than she is - Popsugar
Floating heads in Hollywood - Cityrag
Danielle Lloyd fucked up her lips - IDLYITW
Snoop Dogg is stoned - Hollywood Rag
Chloe Lattanzi, the star of my spring obsession "Rock the Cradle," might have made a little visit to the Tupperware factory recently. Unless it's totally natural for your chichis to hang out in your armpits. Maybe the beauty of Chloe's face is too much for them to take so they are slowly making their way to her back, hoping she doesn't notice. Keep creeping, chichis! You'll make it there by the end of the week.
Even if Chloe did figure it out, it would take three rolls of duct tape, a few tubes of Gorilla Glue, two tractor pulls and a dozen clamps to get her tittays back together. They're a pair of stubborn motherfuckers.
Here's the Opera Princess of Darkness and her determined chichis at a charity event last night.
Estelle Reiner has gone on to the great big Katz Deli in the sky at the age of 94. She passed away at her home in Beverly Hills of natural causes on Saturday.
Estelle, who was the mother of Rob and wife of Carl, is best known to all of us for saying the line, "I'll have what she's having," in "When Harry Met Sally."
Not only did she play an admirer of fake orgasms, but she was also a jazz singer, artist and the inspiration for Laura Petrie from the "Dick Van Dyke Show."
Rest in peace, Estelle... I'll have a fake orgasm in your honor today! Don't look at me that way. It's what she would have wanted!
Samuel the Unlicensed Plumber aka Joe the Plumber is looking to extend his 15-seconds and he's hired three managers to help him with his "brand." One of his new PR whores said, "He's had a deluge of requests. Right now we're just planning on getting him through the week. There's going to be life far beyond the election for Joe the Plumber."
The spokeswhore went on babble that Joe would really love to get into country music, "Joe is a hard-core country music fan, and he can carry a tune." Fuck. You know he thinks that if Jessica Simpson can do it, so can he. A big-tittied frog/Joe the Plumber duet is inevitable. Papa Joe should be tried and jailed for this shit.
TMZ says that Joe the Plumber's "people" also think he could get some endorsement deals with Home Depot and become the "the voice of Middle America." HOME DEPOT?! That's Rojo Caliente's turf and he better not trespass or he'll get burned.
Ugh. Why can't Joe the Plumber be more like that Joe Sixpack dude. Joe Sixpack is modest and doesn't crave the spotlight. He just stays in his basement, doing crunches and drinking Natty Light. You don't see him trying to put out a country album. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if a Joe Sixpack/Joe the Plumber sex tape accidentally leaked.
Corey Haim is engaged to something other than an 8-ball. Corey announced on his website that he's going to marry horror actress Tiffany Shepis on May 9, 2009. The two lovebirds first met 12 years on the set of "Fever Lake." They reunited recently at some autograph show.
If you're interested in sending the happy couple a gift, they're registered with Corey's dealer.
Hopefully, Corey Feldman will stop the wedding and whisk Corey Haim away. Those two really belong together. They know it and we know it. If Corey Haim does go through with the wedding, I'm sure an annulment will be filed as soon as the wedding "party favors" wear off.