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This award goes to the Photoshop artiste who worked on this cover and Nicole Kidman's in-house team of Botox engineers who work night and day to keep her forehead looking like it's made out of fucking polished marble. You could roll out a kick ass pie crust on her forehead.

Sunday Rose probably has more wrinkles on her face than Nicole does. Elle should have just shot a vial of Botox in a green dress. It would've looked like the same shit. I mean, I've seen mannequins who look more life-like.

Here's more of the Botox queen and her frozen face in Elle. Nicole actually deserves a little credit for holding up her face on the cover. If she let go, her whole mug would just fall to the floor.

Our favorite fairy princess AC Slater turned another year older and another year closer to the grave as he celebrated his BARFDAY at the Bellagio in Las Vegas last night. What's the deal, he must have sold his soul to the devil to keep looking as succulent as he did back on SBTB. Either that or he spends countless hours obsessing in front of the mirror with his IGIA Clear zit zapper and black head sucker to perfect that overly baby oiled glow. I'll go with the latter.

Oh my douche! Don't tell me it that his dick bag face was jammed on top of his stylish mancake. I'm really surprised he didn't try to airbrush the likeness of his own abs on that delicious pastry.

Mario BLOWpez is absolutely douche-tacular. Notice the mystery slut grinding her vaginal secretions all over his obviously flaccid penis. A weak attempt of sexual arousal, poor dumb ho FAILS. I'm sure he had a whole slew of skanks that were crawling all over his meat in hopes to get a taste of his tenderloin. He'd rather toss salad full of Bacos than stuff his face in a meat pie.

Now that MiserAlba is a mom, did you see what her 98 pound ass bought? A 4 ton battle tank to tote her miserable culo and Baby Honor around. Oh don't you worry tree hugging hippies, it's a hybrid! Instead of 23 miles to the gallon, it gets a whopping 25.2!

I don't know why she didn't buy a Smart Car to begin with. There's plenty of room in that shoe box for her skinny ass and a jump seat for her spawn. Not like she needs the Griswold family truckster to be hauling her enormous family around in. I'll bet she'll put those stick figure stickers on the back. One stick figure of her, little one of Baby Honor and maybe on the other side of the window, one for "Just in it for the" Cash Warren.

Anymisery, here she is visiting her "acting" coach (haha, his ass would be so fired because obviously he's not doing his job! I mean seriously, have you seen her movies?) in L.A. the other day.

Saint Angie Jo doesn't really need any bodyguards or anything, because she has Zahara. That girl will not let anybody mess with her or she'll cut you with a hot razor and give you a concrete smile. Every time I see pictures of her she looks like she's going to take me down. Homegirl doesn't play. Maddox is even saying to himself, "Girlfriend, you sooo dramatic!"

Half of the holy family visited Lee's art store in Manhattan today to buy more supplies to do their hair with. Seriously. This is a hair emergency right here. Saint Angie should drop them off at Suri Cruise's house so that she can take them to her private salon. On second thought, that's probably not a good idea. Those three kids don't need to develop an unhealthy barley water addiction.

The sexy piece of Ukrainian beef known as Maksim Chmerkovskiy is out of "Dancing with the Has-Beens" thanks to his partner's busted her ankle! Clumsy bitch!

Access Hollywood reports that Olympic gold medalist Misty May-Treanor broke her ankle during rehearsal yesterday. Her ankle will require surgery so she won't be back to dance. Misty told Star Magazine, "I had problems with this ankle in March so I knew it was delicate, but I just can't believe it broke and I am off the show now! I will have to stay off this ankle for a long while. There is no way I can compete now. It's so sad! I really wanted to win. Now I have no chance."

Misty and Maksim consistently scored 21 out of 30 for their dances. Maksim said, "These things happen. There is nothing you can do about it."

Hmmm....I smell the strong scent of a dirty, grungy mop head! I know that dumb bitch CHERYL BURKE had something to do with this! She foams at the mop head every time Maksim is around and she couldn't stand seeing him bump muscled-up crotches with Misty! CHERYL BURKE sabotaged that poor bitch! MOP HEAD must be stopped! Someone throw Lysol on that skeezer and stuff her in the janitor's closet!

Great. Not only does this mean that we won't have the pleasure of seeing the hot Maksim shake his shit, but I bet you they are going to bring back Kim KardASSIAN. Ugh. They should just let Cloris Leachman dance with Maksim instead. She can handle two partners and two dances. I know it. Cloris and Maksim would melt the dance floor with their raw sensuality.

It's been a while since we've seen anything from the legendary Spaghetti Cat, so here's a little video some amazing soul put together. I believe this is George Lucas' original vision for the role of Darth Vader. Spaghetti Cat's shockingly intense eyes were meant to portray Darth Vader's tortured and evil soul. It's the way things were supposed to be.

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Thanks extrawhoredinary

The blessed patron saint of being better than you glided through Manhattan last night with her halo shining bright over her perfect head. Saint Angie Jo has a look on her face that says, "Behold! Your world mother is here to save you." Or maybe the look on her face says, "I can't move, because I'm made out of wax." One of those.

I always know when Saint Angelina and her band of little deities are in town, because suddenly my allergies are gone thanks to her blessing of the NYC air. She's like a gigantic box of Claritin. A snobby box of Claritin with obese lips. I mean, LUSCIOUS, not obese. Please, Saint Angie! It was a stupid joke! I didn't mean it! Don't banish me to Aniston Hell!

Saint Angelina and that man thing who is under the spell of her vagina will attend the premiere of "Changeling" tonight. You know the Brangaloonies have been camping out on the sidewalk for weeks, preparing to kiss the ground she walks on by slathering their lips with blessed Vaseline.

Howard Stern, 54, married Beth Ostrosky, 36, at Le Cirque in NYC last night. Seriously, they got married at Le Cirque! A fucking restaurant. That's like me getting married at Red Lobster. Actually, that's not a bad idea. A cheese biscuit wedding cake! Delicious.

A bunch of stupid ass celebrities showed up to the wedding for some free booze and cake. The guest list included Joan Rivers, Barbara Walters, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Robin Quivers, Kelly Ripa and Chevy Chase. Kelly Ripa's husband Mark Consuelos officiated the ceremony. Billy Joel sang at the reception.

Do you think the guests took turns throwing lunch meat at Beth's bare ass during the reception? You probably weren't allowed to take the table centerpieces, but I'm sure Howard gave a free pair of fake titties to a lucky guest. Hopefully, it was Chevy Chase.

This is Beth's first marriage and Howard's second.

I don't know what to think of Beth. Should I be celebrating another victory for The Gold Diggers' Club? For some reason I get the feeling that Beth actually lo-lov-loves Howard. Gross, right? If that's the case then she should really tell her therapist about this. That's not natural. If that's not the case then I wish her all the best in getting that CASH!

Here's Beth, Howard and their grouchy dog leaving for their honeymoon this morning.

It's a lovely feeling know that while I'm sipping on my Sanka and biting at my Pop Tart, Orenthal James Simpson is lying on a steel bed while his butt buddy makes french toast on the radiator using government bread and Splenda packets. Actually, O.J. is probably living better than us in jail. Anyway, in case you haven't heard, O.J. was found guilty of doing criminal hood rat stuff. Specifically, he was convicted on 12 criminal counts, including kidnapping, armed robbery and burglary for robbing two sports memorabilia dealers at a Las Vegas hotel last year.

This shit is ironic, because he was found guilty 13 years to the day he was acquitted of murder. The Las Vegas jury handed down their verdict late last night. A judge will sentence him on December 5th. He faces life in the clink. Hopefully, Christmas will come early for us! Pull out the tree and wake up the kids!

You know O.J. is working on his next book for this shit: "If I Didn't Do It."

Below is the video of the verdict. The ho in the grey shirt at the beginning is really hot. You know she would rather be getting her booze on at TGI Friday's than working this shit. I'm a little sad that the chick who read O.J.'s verdict pronounced his name correctly. I love the bitch that read his verdict in 1995 and prounounced his name "OrenJAL." That's pretty much the only thing I remember from that crap. Love her! I hope she's having an extra shot of champagne with her Tang this morning with all of us. Party! Party!

Marin Kanter - Tracy Burns from "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains"

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