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Mimi hosted a night at Bank at the Bellagio in Las Vegas last night and most likely spent the entire night standing and holding her breath for dear life. Don't worry. I'm sure her toy husband was waiting in the back with an oxygen tank just in case she needed a breath of air. I doubt she did. Mimi is a professional "sucker-inner."

I love how she didn't take her hands off of her waist once. She was probably thinking about the safety of others. If she let go, a large army of Spanx would have burst forth and dozens of innocent people could have been caught in the crossfire. Mimi cares!

Suri Cruise is the hardest working celebrity trophy baby in the game. I realize that it's in her contract to be Tommy Girl's accessory and escort his midget ass wherever he goes, but damn. Homegirl looks spent. If she keeps it up, she'll have to check into rehab for exhaustion. She needs a few Calgon moments.

Suri was dragged to dinner in NYC last night by Tommy Girl. His kids with Nicole Kidman, Connor and Isabella, were also forced to go. I'm sure it's in there contracts too.

Have you noticed that anyone who spends too much time around Tommy Girl starts to look a lot older than they really are. He sucks the damn youth right out of you. Connor and Isabella look practically middle-aged. Suri's going to be looking like a teenager next week.

I think a lot of us are only watching "SNL" to see Tina Fey do Sarah Palin. Or is it Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin doing Tina Fey? Yeah, that's probably it. Well, Tina made her third appearance as Palin last night and was triumphant yet again! On a sidenote, who is this Joe Sixpack bitch and can I get his number? He sounds kind of hot.

Hopefully, Queen Latifah rewarded herself with a big helping of coochie pie, because she was pretty hilarious too. Or maybe I was just wasted, which would explain why I stuck around to watch the second skit. I'm glad I did, because Kristen Wiig once again proved why she is the funniest bitch on that show. I'm tempted to dress up as "Judy" for Halloween, but everyone would probably think I was dressing up as Nicole Kidman. Clip below:

BABY HANDS!!!

At last night's NYC premiere of "Changeling," they probably had a few EMTs and a couple of priests standing by just in case the Brangaloonies started losing their shit. Speaking of, the Brangaloonie on the left looks like she just lost her shit, piss, period juice and a few vital organs from being that close to Saint Angelina. The bitch behind the soiled Brangaloonie is regretting putting himself in that position. After this picture was taken, the shitty ass Brangaloonie probably exploded into a million pieces.

The Sun spotted Saint Angie Jo's two new tattoos on her arm. She already has the map coordinates for her four kids, so the new tattoos are the coordinates for the twin messiahs. Damn. She's going to have tattoos running down to her wrist by the end of next year.

Saint Angie Jo brought along her man toy to the premiere because really he had no choice. Go to the premiere or go to purgatory . Those were his choices. And by "purgatory" I mean Jennifer Aniston's house.

It's nice to see that Brad Pitt and Saint Angie share the same box of hair dye. That's so economical of them! They are soooo green. And I don't really mind the scarf on Brad. I like scarves on everything. The scarf would look better over her mouth...but....shit. I didn't mean that. Well, it's been nice knowing all of you. Aniston Hell, here I come!

Before I'm banished, here's a few more pictures of perfect people being perfect and knowing it last night. I also threw in some pictures of James Haven, because his crazy eyes hypnotized me into doing so.

Magda Szubanski - Sharon Strzelecki from "Kath & Kim."

Without Sharon, Kath & Kim would be....well....they would still be Kath & Kim, but it would be a lot less funny. The US version of this shit debuts this week and they didn't include the character of Sharon! Instead, Sharon is now male and gay. Butchery!

Guy Pearce (41)
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Daniel Baldwin (48)
Clive Barker (56)
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Steve Miller (65)
Diahann Carroll (73)