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Couples get into fights for all sorts of stupid reasons. I once got into a major slap fight with an ex-boyfriend because during sexy times the peen accidentally poked the outer no-no hole area. It felt like I got knuckle punched in the starfish and I'm not into that violent shit! I'm sure Michelle Rodriguez and her "roommate" got into a fight for very similar reasons.

Rush & Molloy reports that at the Mayfair Hotel in Coconut Grove, FL on Sunday morning, MRod woke up guests by banging on her hotel door and screaming at her lady friend.

One guest said, "I woke up Sunday morning to the sounds of two women yelling, and one of them was smashing the door knocker very loudly. I peeked out and saw it was [Rodriguez]. She's screaming, 'Open up, let me in, bitch!' If you don't open up, you're not getting your [pleasure toy] back."

And with that, the door opened. Lezzies love their [pleasure toys]!

I'm going to assume that the [pleasure toy] they're talking about is a dildo. But it could be a vibrator, strap-on, chainsaw or whatever the hell lezzies use to do each other with. If MRod was outside of the room, where was the [pleasure toy]? It was up her chocha, right?

MRod is my kind of angry lezzie. I can't even call her a gayelle, because she isn't. Bitch is a straight-up Lezzzie. I threw in an extra "z," because that's how hardcore she is. I bet you that when her partner in pussy finally let her inside the room, MRod really gave it to the bitch with the help of her [pleasure toy].

Lauren Bacall is the kind of memaw that I could have a 6 martini lunch with at Fudrucker's. After about our third one, I'd softly stroke one of her bushy eyebrows and she'd tell me what she really thinks about Tommy Girl. I mean, she wouldn't hold back. She'd hike up her granny panties and let it loose.

In the new issue of Elle celebrating (gross) Botox Kidman, Lauren, who worked with Botox on "Dogville," had this to say about the couple's split:

“Tom had taken off for Penelope Cruz or some godamn thing — one of his more ridiculous moves. Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can’t understand the way he conducts his life."

It's the alien way, Lauren. You don't have to understand it. It's best if you don't. Have another martini. Don't you have more to say about our little midget alien lover? Don't stop.

“When you talk about a great actor, you’re not talking about Tom Cruise. His whole behaviour is so shocking. It’s inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but, I think, it’s kind of a sickness.”

That's what I like to hear! I think we should all bow down to the great crazy memaw known as Lauren Bacall! She better sleep with two eyes open tonight, because Tommy isn't going to like this. Hold a vial of truth serum close, LoBa. The aliens hate that shit!

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During Brit Brit's crazy days, she hit a car in a parking lot and drove off. She was charged with misdemeanor driving without a valid California license. In order to avoid a stupid trial, Brit was offered a plea deal which would have put her on one-year probation and cost her 150 bucks. Brit's lawyer rejected the offer, so it's going to trial! Trials are fun! For us anyway.

Brit Brit's case will go before a jury on October 15th. I hope those jury members like the sumptuous scent of Cheeto queefs in the morning.

Brit Brit probably wanted to go to trial, because she misses one particular hot bitch. It could only be one person. DOLLHOUSE DUDE! Where's there a Brit Brit court case, there's a dude wearing a broke down dollhouse on his head. The court should wise up and hire DD to entertain them during recess with his stand-up routine. I can't wait! Awww....Brit Brit and DD should get married already. It's obvious that they belong together.

Below are some pictures of Our Lady of Cheetos at Wasteland on Melrose today. She's trying on silly glasses. She's 100% sane now. This proves it!

Last night on "Making the Band," Diddy sort of, kind of kicked my favorite tramp Aubrey O'Day back to the gutter and out of Danity Kane. Basically, everyone in the group hates Aubrey and there can only be one mega bitch and that's Diddy! So... Aubrey might be out.

Fuck DK! They are NOTHING without Aubrey. Yes, those mysterious skin fleas that have been living on their bodies might go away without Aubrey around, but she's the star! They will sink without her! Mark my fucking words with a juicy cum shot.

Aubrey doesn't need those whiny bitches anyway! She'll become a bigger star without them holding her back. She has talents they can't even pronounce. Aubrey will go to Thailand and become world famous for shooting bowling balls out of her cooze. I bet you those jealous skeezers in DK didn't know she could do that! Aubrey will also break the world's biggest gang bang record. Take that, DK! And she won't stop there. She'll also enter the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most different kinds of STDs at one time. Aubrey is better off without them. She's going to do big dicks things!

Here's Aubrey wearing a homemade shirt at a Bowlmor Lane event in NYC last night. Does she realize that by wearing that shirt she's inadvertently telling people to vote for McCain?

P.S. - I think Ginger is so hopped up on Vicodin and NyQuil that she doesn't even know what's going on anymore. It's for the best.

It was New Orleans yesterday and France today for the Brangelina holy family. Maddox probably got a major craving for authentic french fries so off they went! Don't let the jet fool you. That's not how they travel. It's just for show. Saint Morticia just has to look up at God, wink, say "oooh la la" and BAM! They're in France. Air travel is for mere mortals!

The two airport bitches don't seem impressed. They're too busy crossing their arms and staring. They obviously aren't Brangaloonies or they'd be on the ground licking Angie's footsteps.

When I first saw these pictures, I thought to myself, "Damn. Are those kids wearing homeless rags?" Then I realized they were wearing pajamas. Boring pajamas at that! Why aren't they wearing pajamas with the feet? Those were my favorite when I was kid. Okay, I still wear them. But only during the winter times! Okay, I wear them all the time. Well, they make my feet feel safe and loved.

Wait....Hold up..... Is Shiloh walking?! Is that possible? Maybe that's a doppelganger! The real Shiloh doesn't walk...... This must be a sign it's the end of days.

HoHan's big lezzie chichis on display - Egotastic!

Adrianna and Ty from "90210" are doing it in real life - Just Jared

George Clooney joins the Pornstache Club - Towleroad

The Olsen Trolls saying "prune" in London - Popsugar

Don't fuck with Gerard Butler or he'll beat your ass - Lainey Gossip

Kristen Bell's boring political poem for The Gap (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Beyonce's House of Wigs - Cityrag

Tara Reid and her man who isn't blind (for the record) - Hollywood Rag

Marisa Miller on a Harley - Hollywood Tuna

It looks like Peter Andre isn't the only one in the family who knows how to ride a big, strong horse. In Peter's case, when I say "big, strong horse" I mean "big veiny dick."

Katie Price has said in the past that her big dream is to compete in the 2010 Olympics. Hah. I think Harvey has a better chance of getting in than this bitch does.

Katie is seen here getting one step closer to her Olympic fantasy by rehearsing for the Horse of the Year Show. She's going to have to remind the judges which one is the horse. But at least she didn't pain the poor thing pink or bedazzle his hooves. She's probably saving that shit for the Olympics.

While making coffee this morning, I accidentally poured the coffee where the water goes and vice versa. I even turned it fucking on. I felt like Jessica Simpson's brain twin. That's until I read this story. Thank you, Charlotte Feeney for being the dumbest bitch of the day!

Charlotte of Connecticut filed a lawsuit against L'Oreal claiming that her life was ruined when she accidentally dyed her blonde hair brunette with one of their products.

Dumb dumb Char accused the company of putting the brunette hair dye in a blonde box. She said that she can never get back to her natural blonde hair color and she's depressed in a major way because of that. She's on anti-depressants, hardly goes out, always wears hats and suffers from anxiety.

Guess what the judge did? He laughed so hard he passed a kidney stone through his ass. And then he threw out the lawsuit.

This is probably the longest blonde joke I ever read. And nobody tell her she can actually dye her hair back! It's best for all of us that she stays inside. I also can't wait until the judge reads her lawsuit against Burger King for putting cheese on her cheeseburger. Sorry. That was dumber than Charlotte. I'll be here all week!

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Thanks George

Jamie Lynn might not be carrying a hillbilly tot after all. An "impeachable source" tells TMZ that JL is not knocked up. Damn. Personally, I won't believe it either way until I hear it from the uterus' mouth. Sorry for the gross visual.

You know, I was just writing a letter to JL letting her know in detail what causes pregnancy. I was also going to tell her that the vinegar method hardly ever works. Don't know what I'm talking about? Read this shit from Yahoo! Answers:

What are some other ways for teens not to get pregnant, Are there nore ways?
My friend told me, Right after her and her boyfriend have had sex and she knows that heh came in her she drinks vinegar right away and I don't thinks vinegar works, or does it.

The chick's friend is doing it all wrong! If you don't want to get pregnant, you're supposed to pour the vinegar on your belly. Not drink it! DUH!

Brad Pitt and Saint Morticia Jolie cuddled yesterday while visiting the 9th Ward Housing project. Notice how both of their bare hands are on her stomach. They aren't wearing rubber gloves which means they just made a new chosen one. No, two chosen ones. No, four chosen ones! That's all it takes. They don't even have to get naked anymore. They can do it in front of everyone.

Here's a few more of the holy family out yesterday. Why aren't they ever all together? There's not a bus big enough? They probably work in shifts. It's Zahara and Shiloh's day off. They ain't got nothing on Suri! Homegirl works the 24/7 shift.

P.S. - That doggy in the window sees all. I don't know what means exactly, but just pretend you know what I'm talking about.