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Kanye West pressed the CAPS lock key on his MacBook Air and put his fingers to work today on a blog rant dedicated to the paparazzi and their SQUID BRAINS. His entire post is after the jump, but it's a lot to take in. When I start to read a Kanye post, I have to massage my temples, give them a pep talk, play some Enya, light some incense and carefully go in. If I don't do all that shit, my eyes will have seizures and my one working brain cell will start burping uncontrollably.

Since I'm learning to read fluent Kanye CAPS Rant (it's a new language), let me break it down for you. Kanye explains his arrest in the UK on Friday. Basically, he was coming out of a club and one pap was getting up in his life. So Kanye put his hand up to cover up the dude's camera lens and in all the chaos, the camera accidentially hit the pap's nose. Kanye left, but the police came to get his ass at his hotel later on. They told him that they had to arrest him, because a complaint had been filed, but they're pretty sure it's just some dumb publicity stunt. No charges were filed and he was released, but Kanye thinks the damage is done, because every media outlet only focused on him getting arrested.

He believes that a law should be passed, forcing the a pap to get permission from their subject before taking a picture. Basically.

Oh, Kanye. I just want to take him into my kitchen, search my cupboard for that old box of Peeps I have from last Easter and give him half. Even old Peeps make everything okay. Especially if you dip that shit in fucking vodka. I'm not joking.

Anyranty, Kanye's entire post is after the jump. You might feel like he's yelling at your ass and you have to go stand in the corner for a time out after reading it. JUMP!!!!

HELL YES! It's the fucking star of my tween wet dreams: Tom Selleck. Yes, I know, my therapist has already talked to me about that point in my life. Anyway, who cares about that! It's Tom Fucking Selleck! One of the only hot pieces who can make genitals explode with just a twitch of his stache. Yes, I also spoke to my therapist about that issue as well. I got it covered.

This is exactly who the paparazzi should be spending their time on! Hopefully, when they were finished with Tom they went off to find Charlene Tilton, Patricia McPherson, Pamela Sue Martin, Ami Foster and Andrea Barber. These are the bitches I want to see more of!

Here's more of Tom actually getting paparazzi attention at LAX yesterday.

Joy Behar filled in for Larry King last night, he was off hunting for the souls of children, and she had the unofficial Mrs. Rojo Caliente on her show to talk about the gay marriage ban. I've been majorly strung out, looking for a Rojo fix, so this helped to ease the pain. I watched it last night, focusing on Mrs. Rojo's lips and thinking, "those things have felt the heat of The Rojo!" I'm jealous. On a serious note, Mrs. Rojo is smart in the brains and made some good points.

Also, in a few minutes a huge National protest against Prop 8 begins in every state. Run your ass over there now! And look hot, because there's going to be cameras. Click here to get info for the nearest rally if you're interested in going.

It's a good thing the paps caught Hugh Jackman making this face while trying to be all sexy in Australia. Now if you ever get the chance of doing fucky times with him, you know to either put a pillow case over his head, shut your eyes or let him hit in the back before he busts one and makes an O face. I'm pretty sure this is what his "Ooooh, I'm cumming" face looks like.

A busted O face can completely ruin a perfectly good fuck. There have been times when I have farted from laughing so hard at someone's LOL-O-FACE. Fugly O face + after-sex fart = Let's not do this again!

Hugh's face kind of looks like Chris Klein getting his floppy peen slammed in a drawer.

Here's more of Hugh and his trainer causing a massive sea creature circle-jerk while going for a morning swim on Bondi Beach in Sydney today.

The newest Mr. Vadge was at the opening of the Fontainebeau Grand in Miami last night with Fishsticks Paltrow, who was probably dispatched there by Vadge herself to keep tabs on her shit. Fishy is giving him a look letting him know that she's got her fish eyes on him. Or maybe she's just making that look because she's fucking starving after not eating for 12-hours straight! Or maybe she's concentrating on using her yoga-produced muscles to keep that tampon dress up. Concentrate harder, Fishy! No one wants to see your gills!

You know, I wish Vadge would quit with this A-Rod shit. Why can't she just go out and do a bunch of slut bag shit? Fuck being with just one dude! Her roided-up vagina needs to be loosened up. Doesn't she get tired of listening to the annoying sound of her vagina gritting its teeth? It's so fucking wound up and needs a good long month of just slutting around. Oh well.

While Fishy watched A-Rod in Miami, Vadge and Lourdes were out in Los Angeles last night. Not only does she needs to drop A-Rod, but she needs to drop that old bag too! The old bag she's carrying I mean. Yes, you could sell me a million times over and still not have enough money to buy a bootleg version of that bag on eBay, but it's still fugly!

And in the first thumbnail below, is that orange gum in A-Rod's mouth? He must have not gotten to rule #4,567 in Vadge's employee handbook. It clearly states that all chewing gum must be made from organic herbs and sticky smegma from her cooch.

HoHan was making her way into the VIP Room in Paris last night when someone busted a huge white load all over her. And it wasn't jizz! It wasn't coke either! It was fucking flour. Yeah, the crap you makes pies with and shit. The flour got all over the dead furry animal laying over HoHan's greasy ass shoulders. The bitch who busted the load shouted, "Lindsay Lohan, fur hag!" Wait. Rewind. I thought the Olsen trolls already took that title?

The HBIC of Peta Europe issued this statement about the whole thing: "There is nothing remotely 'fashionable' about the torture and death of animals killed for fur. Lindsay Lohan might be able to ignore images of bloody animals skinned alive for their pelts, but we hope a dash of flour will help her rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all."

HoHan has had worse things explode on her, so I'm sure she really didn't give a fuck. HoHan and SamRo probably thought it was a fucking coke bomb and started snorting that shit up like hungry anteaters.

The gross part of this whole story is that there aren't any pictures of this beautiful flour bukkake moment. BOO! The next time a bitch decides to drop a flour load all over HoHan, they better get pictures, video and run a live feed. I'd even buy tickets to that show.

UPDATE: Click here to see the flour rain all over HoHan. HA! Apparently the owner of the club vacuumed the flour off her ass, so she could go out and pose for the pictures below. It would've been faster if they told her the flour was really booger sugar. She would have cleaned that mess up in 10-seconds flat.

Irene Olga Lopez - The personnel woman from one of the greatest films ever made "Showgirls." She's the one who asks Nomi if her family is deceased (I love the way she says deeceesed). And she also asks Nomi about her stupid social security number!

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