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Joaquin, Joaquin, Joaquin... Have you been smoking out with Ashley Todd?

So... As some of you may know, Joaquin Phoenix is saying "BYE! GOOD" to his thespian days and focusing all his precious time on music (aka toking, boozing and strumming a guitar every now and again).

Last night, Joaquin rolled out of his refrigerator box house, picked a couple of rogue scabies off of his one good jacket, fished a half-smoked ciggie from the gutter and showed up to the premiere of his final movie "Two Lovers" with a "BYE! GOOD" message to Hollywood.

It's going to be interesting to see how this dyslexic little drunkard (like I should talk) will be writing songs for his new music career! The thing is, in two or three years when he's blown all of his cash on hookers and hooch, he'll probably come crawling back to Hollywood on his knees like a crackie sucking dick in a truck stop bathroom stall hoping bitches don't notice. He'll go around begging for the leading role in the direct to DVD feature, Walk The Line 2: The Passion Of The Cash.

That being said, I'd hit it, hairlip and all! Or should I say, "It! Hit I'd".

There's a few rumors going around that Katie and Peter's marriage is quickly reaching its expiration date. So what's a famewhore to do? Katie got on a plane from London to Los Angeles to be with her big gay husband, so that they could make a show of things to prove that things are just peachy orangy. Although, Katie is probably just seizing the opportunity to get a little more publicity. These two never get sick of getting ass fucked with the big attention stick.

Last night, they held hands while leaving some restaurant in West Hollywood, which obviously means they are still licking the fake tan grease off of each other's dirt stars. Obviously. If they're going to fake this shit, they could have at least tried to act it up a bit for the cameras. This was a fuck effort.

Peter looks like he'd rather be holding on to a ten-inch dick and Katie is concentrating hard on keeping her tattered tarantula lashes from poking her in the eye. Bitch looks like a whory bunny with those lashes!

I think the most annoying thing about this shit, is that Katie didn't bring Harvey with her! She probably knew he wouldn't stand for this fakery. He keeps it real.

I bow down to the genius brains of Jacki who paid tribute to the worldwide sensation known as Spaghetti Cat by dressing up as him for Halloween. She perfectly captured the hungry look for spaghetti noodles in his crazy eyes. Half of me wants to cuddle with him and pour tomato sauce on his nude noodles. The other half wants to run away and hide under my bed. This is my dreams and nightmares come true! The real Spaghetti Cat has that effect on me too.

Spaghetti Cat and his batshit crazy owner will be very proud. I'm sure they will dedicate a paw-washing session to Jacki. "This is the way we wash our paw...."

Guy Ritchie was out boozing, celebrating the fact that he's almost free from the clutches of Vadge's buff cooze, when one of his estranged wife's fans tried to ruin his buzz. Purposely fucking with someone's drinking time should really be illegal.

According to The Sun, a dude showed up to Guy's pub and started yelling at his ass in front of everyone. Some witness said, "Guy was in the pub in good spirits and was laughing and joking over a pint.This bloke seemed to be on the lookout for trouble. He got a drink and started shouting about being a Madonna fan and ranting about the divorce. It was like he just wanted to draw attention to himself."

The Vadgeholic also wasted precious nectar from the gods by pouring his drink all over some of the other boozers. The roided-up vagina lover also started screaming about how he had connections to the CIA. The cops finally arrived to end the madness and they took the maniac away. Hopefully, to the nearest crazy brains house.

Recently, I've also felt the wrath of the Vadgeholics. They really love to write in all CAPS, which is completely unacceptable. Only Kanye and Raven are allowed express their rage in CAPS-filled angry letters. And just like the Brangaloonies, the Vadgeholics think that using two Os in the word "loser" makes the insult more effective. Double the loser! LOOSER!

Okay, Tori. Halloween times is over now. It's time to take off your lovechild of Jabba the Hutt and Cojo face mask. The costume was a frightening success, but the children are starting to slap at their eyeballs and grown men are on their knees crying "mercy."

Here's Tori the Hutt still playing Halloween with her creepy husband, their son Liam and his son Jack at "Backyardigans Live!" in Los Angeles yesterday. Autism curer Jenny McCarthy also showed up with her son.

I have no idea who or what the "Backyardigans" are, but is this the kind of thing parents have to go see? And is it considered "bad parenting" if you drop acid before or during the performance, because I think that's the only way I could ever deal with this shit.

The big-tittied frog and her lezzie lover and my girl crush, Ken Paves, left Madeo last night when chaos ensued!! It must have been a slow night on the celebwhore stroll, because the paps went crazy trying to get a picture of that dumb bitch. Ken Paves, being the princess in shiny hair that he is, tried to protect Chestica's weave and kept pushing back the paps. One of the cameras didn't appreciate Ken pushing at its owner, so it slapped that bitch in the head. I'm sure Ken is used to being slapped in the face with hard objects, but he probably wasn't ready for this shit.

Ken's pristine female-to-male tranny face started bleeding! Yes, he actually bleeds real blood. Shocking, right? Ken and Chestica immediately went to the hospital to fix up his owie.

Ken is a big girl and I'm sure he'll be fine after a couple of switches and a taint slap. Besides, Ken is used to intense pain in his head. I mean, he's been forced to listen to Chestica's frog yodel live. And maybe now that he's been knocked in the head, he'll start doing good hair. I always try to look on the bright side!

I was totally waiting for the night Cindy McCain would make an appearance on "SNL" in some way, shape or form and figured it wasn't going to happen since Amy Poehler (the only ho who could really play Cindy) is dealing with something called a newborn baby. I know, selfish, right?

Well, the little doll lover made it to "SNL" last night and played herself in the opening QVC sketch with her maverick-ey husband John McCain and Tina Fey. Those bitches at QVC don't have shit on Cindy. She seriously has a career in QVC jewelry modeling.

I didn't watch the rest of the show, because I decided to grab a bottle of vodka, watch "The Darjeeling Limited" and slowly drift into dreamland with visions of Adrien Brody's beautiful nose dancing in my head. I swear, I just want to cuddle with it. Sorry, let's get back on topic! Click here if you give an eff about seeing the other skits.

Also, Starbucks is giving out free coffees to hos who vote on Tuesday. Those cheap ass fucks are only giving out small regular coffees though! They should have given out jumbo Frapps! Brit Brit would have found a way to vote at least 100 times.

The Masked Avengers! - A comedy duo from Montreal pranked Sarah Palin by pretending to be the President of France Nicolas Sarkozy. Marc-Antoine Audette, one half of the duo, called from radio station CKOI and got through to Palin after trying for days. During the 6-minute conversation, Marc dropped a ton of hints that she was being punk'd. He told Sarah that he loves hunting and killing animals is fun! He also used fake names for Canadian politicians. He also told her that his wife Carla Bruni was "good in bed" and had written a song about Joe the Plumber. He even sang a few notes and Palin still stayed on the line. Seriously, they should release that song. It would totally become a #1 hit here in the US.

Finally, Marc as Sarkozy told Palin that he enjoyed watching her "edgy" documentary called "Nailin' Paylin." She thanked him by saying, "Ooh. Good. Thank you, yes." And when Marc felt she had enough, he told her she had been served by the Masked Avengers! She giggled it off and immediately gave the phone to her assistant.

Marc told the press that fooling Palin was their biggest triumph! In the past, they have also pranked Mick Jagger, Brit Brit Spears, Bill Gates and Sarkozy.

Palin's people said she was "mildly amused to learn that she had joined the ranks of heads of state, including President Sarkozy, and other celebrities in being targeted by these pranksters."

This would be so much better if furry puppets were re-enacting the phone call. I'm sure someone's going to make that happen. You know that by the end of the day, there will be hundreds of "dramatizations" of this shit!

Below is the cringe-worthy and fucking hilarious audio and click here to read the transcript.

K.D. Lang (47)
Randy Harrison (31)
Nelly (34)
Gervase Peterson (39)
David Schwimmer (42)
Sean Kanan (42)
Lauren Velez (44)
Peter Mullan (49)
Maxine Nightingale (56)
Stefanie Powers (66)