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I hate seeing Tess McGill like this. I know Melanie Griffith has had busted microwave face for a while, but the bitch needs to stop whatever she's doing and let her mug breathe. She looks like she can only eat soft food. It's not right. I just want to throw a bow tie on her, stick my hand up her ass and then take our vaudeville act on the road.

Here's Melanie at Cafe Med yesterday. Alien Princess RiRi was also there looking like the test tube baby of Mr. T and Woody Woodpecker.

To answer the question you're thinking: no, I am not writing this shit from a jail cell in Nebraska! Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way. The people of Valentine, Nebraska will sleep well tonight knowing that their windows will be ass grease free in the morning. The infamous Butt Bandit has been captured after making an ass out of himself for more than a year.

It all started in the spring of 2007, when people started noticing ass (and sometimes crotch) imprints on their business, church and school windows. His greatest achievement was leaving his butt print on every window of a hotel. The dude was able to leave his mark by rubbing Vaseline or lotion on his nalgas. He should've used Crisco with just a touch of KY. It picks up every little detail of your ass cheeks. So I've heard...

The Butt Bandit was caught by police early Wednesday morning massaging a window with his jelly covered ass. The cops wouldn't give up his name, but said he's a 35-year-old with an ass that just won't quit.

Unfortunately, there isn't a mug shot. It better be a double mug shot. I want to see both of his lips puckering. I mean, his butt should gets its own mug shot since it got him into this mess.

And when the Butt Bandit is out of jail, he should look into profiting off of his skills. I've seen a few ads on Craigslist looking for naked dudes who do windows. The Butt Bandit's ass does windows, literally.

Source

Thanks Leona

Jenna Jameson is knocked up with Baby Huey's twins, so she doesn't think it's a good idea to have a silk couch around the house. If you want to lay on Jenna's stank, it will cost you at least $9,500. Here's the description from the eBay auction:

This barely used silk Casa Armani sofa belongs to Jenna Jameson. Now that she and her beau Tito have purchased a new home and are having twins, they have decided that a silk couch might not be necessary.

The original purchase price was at least double what it is being auctioned for.

If you replace the words "silk" and "couch" with "sick" and "cooch," the auction might make more sense to you. Jenna's sick cooch will set you back 9500 clams, but you'll end up paying twice as much for the ass transplant you'll need after catching all kinds of jungle diseases from that shit. As soon as you sit down, you'll scream, "O mah Jeebus! Mah ass done combusted!" Normally when that happens to me, I just put a little Vaseline on it and then shake it off, but I don't think that will work in this case.

VIA Socialite Life

Gwen Stefani is making good on her promise that No Doubt will record a new album and go on tour. I think she made that promise like 3 years ago or some shit, but it's better late than never! On their official website, they posted this picture along with a little iChat conversation between the band members. Basically, they are going to take their shit on the road next year while working on their first album together in seven years. The last time they performed on stage together was in 2004.

Gwen has been busy making babies with funny names, putting out her own albums and working on some fashion shit.

Fuck yes. I can't wait to go to this shit. I just hope there's a bunch of 30-something hos who pay homage to vintage Gwen by wearing zipper pants, furry bra tops, suspenders and Frankenstein boots. Oh and don't forget the rockabilly hair and bindi.

Now if only No Doubt can get Garbage, Alanis Morissette, Joan Osbourne, Paula Cole, Fiona Apple, Tracy Bonham, The Cardigans and Meredith Brooks to perform with them. Actually, I think I went to a show in L.A. in the late 90s where all those bitches performed together. Aw. Those were the days when I was a little homo who really wanted to be an angsty lezzie.

It takes a lot of money too look like a ran over piece of trash, because Linda Hogan wants more of it! Hulk Hogan is currently paying her gutter garbage ass $40,000 a month in temporary alimony, but she's whining that it's not enough and she's going poor. Meanwhile, some broke bitches are trying to make balanced meals out of Top Ramen, popcorn, white rice and ketchup packets from McDonald's.

Linda dragged Hulk into court on Thursday and asked a judge to unfreeze their assets, so that she could dip into them. She should drown in them if you ask me. Hulk's lawyer asked Linda to show proof that she's going broke. Um. Just look at her. That's a broke down, used up bitch if I ever saw one.

In addition to the 40 grand a month, Hulk also pays for repairs and maintenance to the home. He refused to pay for cable TV, window washing, their security system and pest control. Oh, that's where the $40k a month is going. Imagine how much it costs to keep the fleas, scabies, crabs, roaches, maggots and silverfish off of this skank!

Hulk also told the court that Linda recently dropped $14,000 on plastic surgery. The surgeon forgot to do one very important surgery: he forgot to sew her mouth shut. Shit. Sew all Hogan's mouths shut.

You know, I think we're all going to laugh until we queef in 5 years when Linda is really broke, because her 19-year-old fug toy ran off with all her money. And then we're going to gag on our own vomit after watching the sex tape she'll "leak" to drum up some cash. Ugh. That's totally going to happen.

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In a not-so-surprising move, Travis Barker is suing the plane and tire companies involved in the plane crash that landed him in the hospital with burns and killed two of his friends. I'm only surprised that it took him this long.

TMZ reports that Travis and the mother of his deceased bodyguard filed a lawsuit in L.A. against Bombardier Inc., Clay Lacy Aviation and Goodyear Tires.

In the lawsuit, Travis blames fucked-up equipment and the pilots for the crash. Both the pilot and the co-pilot were killed in the crash.

The suit states: "The pilots were either poorly trained and/or failed to follow their training. The pilots' decision was a breach of their duty owed to the passengers onboard and was a substantial factor in causing the crash and resultant injuries and deaths."

The suit goes on to say that the plane's "landing gear, tires, wheels, brakes, reverse thrust system, squat switches and component parts were not airworthy."

Travis, who is still recovering from his burns, is suing for "pain and suffering, mental anguish, psychological and emotional distress, disfigurement, loss of earnings capacity and medical expenses."

If those companies are at fault, then I say sue away! No, it's not going to bring his friends back, but it might prevent this shit from happening in the future to other people.

Maxi from Lifetime's Blush: The Search for the Next Great Makeup Artist - I'm totally late to the party on this one, but I've been getting e-mails about this crazy hot bitch from this completely homo reality show on Lifetime for makeup artists. I've added this shit to my Tivo, so I'll be watching from now on with anal beads on. I think they just aired episode 2.

Anyway, Maxi is crazy and gayer than me bouncing around to Cathy Dennis in my Stacey Q cut-off t-shirt (it's not for sale). Below is a clip from last week's The Soup of this hot slut.

For Heather, Rebecca & Jessica

Karen O (30)
Scarlett Johansson (24)
Tyler Hilton (25)
Mark Ruffalo (41)
Mads Mikkelsen (43)
Mariel Hemingway (47)
Jamie Lee Curtis (50)
Donny Deutsch (51)
Richard Kind (52)
Steve Van Zandt (58)
Billie Jean King (65)
Terry Gilliam (68)
Robert Vaughn (76)