Archives

My hotel doesn't get Bravo. Fuck. The end. Done. Finished. Goodnight. Life is caca. It's a wrap. All of the above. I fucking swear, I'm about to get on a Big Wheel and pedal my ass to the nearest joint that gets Bravo. Tonight is the television event of my life and I'm going to miss this shit. I should sue a dumb bitch over this! Somebody please call my ass and hold up the phone to the TV while "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion is playing. It will be like the old timey days when they just listened to the radio and shit.

I'm going to miss Kim explain why she wears a wig made out of dog pubes. I'm going to miss NeNe beat down Kim with her eyes. I'm going to miss Lisa Wu having a "Lisa Wu moment." This is the worst moment of my life. Ugh. Some beautiful soul who cares about humanity (i.e. ME) better put this entire shit on YouTube.

And now I must go and cry into my dildo, hoping to dream about all the amazing and beautiful things that are happening during the reunion show. All of you lucky skanks who get to watch this shit better be grateful for this gift. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!

As you know, HoHan was caught on a security camera making herself a little Red Bull and vodka at Lotus in DC. Yeah, color me not fucking surprised. That's kind of ironic since the color of not fucking surprised is an orangy shade of diarrhea. Just like the color of HoHan's skin! On the same tape, SamRo and HoHan were also caught kissing. Again, color me with an orangy shade of diarrhea.

HoHan is probably texting available dick while her tortured lezzie lover is trying to lick the tan grease off her face. She could try and look a little bit interested in SamRo's tongue. When HoHan wrote that MySpace blog about voting and shit, SamRo was probably blowing saliva bubbles into her cooze. You know it's true love when you're comfortable enough to blog while getting your pie tossed.

These pictures also have me thinking about how many fucking security cameras have caught me with my ass in the air doing slut shit. There's probably like a secret underground group of graveyard shift security dudes who get together and watch bitches do effed up shit without knowing they are being taped. So the next time you're thinking of licking your man's peen head in an elevator, think about the horny security dude who may be watching you. I don't know. That may turn your slutty ass on even more.

Below is a video of HoHan sneaking a cocktail and getting kissed on by SamRo while intensely focusing on her texting device.

Tommy Girl hasn't look like this since fucking "Cocktail." You can Photoshop the beat out of his face, but you can still see Xenu in his eyes. And you know they had to mop up the floor after this photo shoot, because Tommy's no-no was slobbering like Hooch while striking this pose. Johnny Travolta makes Tommy hold this exact position while he peen slaps his nalgas.

And I think Details missed a word in the issue's title. It should be "The Power Bottom Issue." I mean, Tommy is on the cover....

First we had Shane Mercado, then Cubby, then the Big Girls and now we have this bitch doing Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Cock Ring On It)" in the fucking snow! This eskihomo is shaking his ice nuts to Beyonce in goddamn Alaska! When I go out in the snow, I have to wear two coats and a fake fur wine bag over my genitals! And homegirl here is in a leotard and not much else. He doesn't even have his dignity to keep him warm! His manpussy lips must be frozen solid.

This song is bringing the gay dudes out of the woods, literally! If you think a dude might be gay, just play this song and if he starts to do the glitter bounce, then you have your answer!

VIA Mollygood

Adrien Brody still looks like Yanni after a sexy orgy with The Lov-ahs from "SNL," but I don't mind it. I just want him to pour me into a hot tub, feed me a variety of spiced meats and stroke my hair with a porcelain brush. Afterwards, he will smoke a cigar while telling his pet Afghan Hound: "Michael K and I made love so powerful, methinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high!"

Seriously, I bet his unkept nut bush smells like Patchouli, rose water and Chinese incense smoke. That said, I'd breathe it in for hours.

Here's Adrien, that trick he's always with, Etta James and Beyonce at the "Cadillac Records" premiere in Los Angeles last night. Look how fucking hot Etta James is. I can't believe they had Beyonce play her ass. Etta needed someone of equal hotness to play her. I'm thinking Hottie from "Flavor of Love" or Alexyss K. Tylor.

Asshole and Pete's Emo baby's name is still Bronx Mowgli Wentz. I was half expecting them to say it was all a joke and his real name is Morrissey Smith after their two idols. True story: my chola cousin wanted to get knocked up when she was 15 just so she could name her baby Morrissey Smith. Thankfully, that ho turned lezzie a year later and didn't have a baby.

Pete talked to Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning and explained why they ruined a poor child's life by naming him Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

The vagina said: "I feel weird—people have all these ideas of what it means now. I think it's kind of cool to leave the narrative the way it is. People are stoked or pissed or whatever…I don't think anybody knows the real story of why or how. We came up with the idea Bronx, we'd been throwing it back and forth a while ago. The Jungle Book is something me and Ashlee bonded over. It's really cool."

Not a good enough reason. I had a boyfriend once and we only bonded over Arby's and ecstasy. Seriously, we only liked each other when we were on ecstasy or eating at Arby's. The other times we hated each other.

We both were in awe of Arby's horsey sauce. We would order extra servings of it and pour it on everything, even spaghetti. Anyway, does that mean we would have named our kid Ecstasy Horsey Sauce? Actually, that's still a better name than Bronx Mowgli!

VIA E! Online

Kim Cattrall showing off her 52-year-old titty pouches for the sake of art! - Egotastic!

I was right! Brit Brit tied up her shirt in the back old-school style for Rolling Stone - Hollywood Tuna

Jessica Simpson has no brains - IDLYITW

An evil Olsen troll yells at the paps (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Tranny overload: Ty Ty & Beyonce together! - Just Jared

Vanity Fair's Oscar party is downsizing - Lainey Gossip

Warning! You might get the herp from looking at these pictures - Popsugar

Right where Joey Fatone belongs - SOW

Expect a plethora of jazz hands from "Rosie Live" - Towleroad

Brit Brit needs a new hat - Cityrag

The Scientology Sword Dude was pretty creepy looking - Mollygood

Jacko is on the diet of champions - Hollywood Rag

Horatio Sanz lost a lot of chunk - Celebitchy

Dear Fishsticks, Shut the Goop up! - I'm Not Obsessed

Vintage Gerry Butler! He kind of looks like Jax from "General Hospital" - ICYDK

HoHan might be drinking vodka again. In other news, I'm drinking vodka right now! - A Socialite's Life

While some baby is kicking the back of my chair during my flight today (that always happens to me), Nicole Kidman and her indestructible forehead will guard the gates of Dlisted. Nobody can get through this bitch. You can fire a cannon at her forehead and that shit will bounce back right at you. Tommy Girl can shoot Travolta jizz nuggets out of his Scientolohole and he will fail. Don't even try to break through her forehead.

Just make sure to feed her some mashed up prunes every 30-minutes or so.

Below is Memaw Nicky, her possum-haired husband, Hugh Jackman, his granny and Lauren Bacall at the NYC premiere of "Australia" last night. One really fucking hot film reviewer had this to say about Nicky's performance in that shit: "She can't act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I'm-looking-interesting blue eyes. " Yup, that sounds about right.

I'll post more shit when I land! Don't forget to wipe!

Katie Price has already told us more than we want to know about Peter Andre's peen. I could probably draw that shit accurately with all the details she's given us. She's told us how wide and how long it is. Now she's telling us the color. If you happen to be eating a nuked up sausage link, you might want to skip this part.

Kate tells Now! Magazine (via The Sun), “When I go on holiday you’ll never see a bikini shot of me, because I sunbathe naked. I haven’t got any lines at all! That’s why I go to very private places. Peter does too. He’s got a brown willy!”

They really do belong together. His brown willy compliments the shit logs that are always pouring out of her mouth. And I doubt Peter's peen is brown. You know he totally spray tans that shit. It's bright orange like a radioactive carrot (don't even think of Carrot top....DON'T). It was brown when Katie happened to see it, because Peter hadn't showered yet after "hanging out" with the boys.

Guess where our little Crackie of Camden was on Sunday night? No, not church, but a good guess. She' was back in THE CLINIC (dun dun) after she apparently had a seizure from drugging and boozing too much. They say she had a seizure, but she was probably just showing off her heroin-induced break dancing moves.

Some loud-mouthed friend of Wino's told The Sun that it all started while she was freaking out at Blaaaake during a phone call on Saturday. They were shouting at each other because that's what crackheads do. One minute they're breaking bottles over each other's heads and the next minute they're licking meth off of each other's taints. Crackheads are so dysfunctional.

So after their phone brawl, Wino turned to her two best friends for comfort: crack & Jack! The source said, “It didn’t stop until she was on the floor on Sunday. She has ended up in hospital a few times after similar drink and drugs related seizures. If she carries on, one of these incidents will be her last.”

By "a few times" they must mean a thousand, right? Wino has been in the hospital so many fucking times that they probably gave her ass a punch card. After every 10th OD, she gets a box of ice pops.

I don't get this shit. If I was Wino's friend, I would put on a Hazmat suit, crush down some Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, hold her in my arms, and then tell her to snort that shit instead. Snorting Circus Animal Cookie dust is good for you. Trust. I do that shit every night and have never felt better. AND your boogers will be covered in sprinkles! There's nothing better than that!