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I am still crying a river of tears for missing "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" reunion show last night, but thankfully my best girlfriend, Grey Goose, has been there to dry my tears. And thankfully, a bunch of you sent me recaps of that shit, so it felt like I was right there, sitting right on top of Kim's Cancer wig. Oh wait, I mean her NOT-Cancer wig.

Jezebel has a clip of what looks like was the hottest part of that reunion shit. Kim starts crying invisible tears because everyone is hating on her dead donkey ass wig. Andy, the host, straight up asks her if she has cancer and she nods yes. Cut to like a few beats later when he asks her again and she says she doesn't have it. This bitch sucks at everything. She even sucks at lying! I know what disease she has, it's called YOUSADUMBLIAR-itis. And her hair didn't fall out, it got up and ran away, because it was sick of her fuckery. If her wig wasn't superglued on, it would've quit that bitch too. Shit, I'm surprised it didn't pry the glue off of itself and hit the road because of NeNe's death stares. I swear, NeNe's eyes could melt plastic and that's why Kim should fucking be afraid. I also love that Kim fucking waited at Chili's for her test results.

They should really change the name of this shit to "The Real Housewives (Plus A Delusional Bitch) Of Atlanta." Kim is not a housewife and she sure isn't real.

And now I must go cry some more into Grey Goose's lap. She really knows how to make everything better again.

Click here to watch the clip of Kim being a dumb ass lying whore.

Sasha Fierce's camel toe has come upon us in all its fiernceness (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Marky Mark, after you're done pissin on that wall, say hello to your mutha for me - Popsugar

Beyonce really needs to drop the cyborg shit - Just Jared

Claudia Schiffer looks like shit - Hollywood Tuna

Hugh Jackman is the worst kind of straight dude - Towleroad

Joaquin Phoenix is the next Vanilla Ice - Lainey Gossip

Kristen Stewart celebrates her new stardom by smoking a bowl out in the open - IDLYITW

Mark Ronson's old piece is completely nude - Egotastic!

A nude Naomi Campbell served three different ways - Cityrag

HoHan can't hide - Hollywood Rag

Yawnsville: The winner of "Dancing with the Has-Beens" - Celebitchy

Pink fucking herself - Socialite Life

My Little Pony Parker forgot to do her mane - I'm Not Obsessed

Jakey Poo's parents are broke - Holy Moly!

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden might get married on Sad Clown Baby's birthday - SOW

Jaime Pressley wrote a fucking book?! For why? - ICYDK

Carson Daly has a penis. And a real-life girl with working private parts actually let him stick said penis into her long enough to create a baby. The world is a strange place.

Carson's PR bitch told People that his girlfriend Siri Pinter is knocked up with their first baby due in the spring. "Carson is thrilled to be a father and they are looking forward to an extra special Thanksgiving this year with family and friends."

I will bet my entire stash of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies that Siri is going to give brith to one, big, bulging eyeball with two legs attached. It's totally going to look like this!

A spokeswhore for OK! Magazine told Page Six that some poor bitch is getting their ass fired right before Thanksgiving for spelling Ashlee Simpson's name wrong on this week's cover. The rep said, "It is highly embarrassing and, sadly, someone will probably be fired."

You know, Papa Joe should take the fall for spelling her name wrong in the first place! And Asshole and Pete should both be fired from life for naming their child Bronx Mowgli!

VIA Cover Awards

Suri Cruise is like a walking The Ivy restaurant: paparazzi swarm her whenever she leaves the house. Soon you're going to see international supermodel Phoebe Price and Prince Von A-Hole hanging around Suri just so they can get their pose on for the paps. And Tommy Girl loves, loves, loves it! He told Grazia Magazine (via Post Chronicle), "I have to say some of those paparazzi shots of my daughter are incredible. As a parent you protect your children but Suri is a very open and warm child and she will just wave to people on the street. She is such happy, fun girl."

Fuck, he's gross. I bet every morning, he holds PR meetings with Suri and they strategize what she's going to wear and how she's going to act. He probably talks to her like she's an adult and gives her a PowerPoint presentation on her image. He fucking knows that she's the only thing that's keeping him relevant.

Tommy pursed his lips, crossed his legs, flipped his hair and went on to say, "It is certainly different these days with the media, but people have very good to us and do give us space so I am not going to be difficult." Of course, he's not going to be difficult. He's probably tipping their asses off!

Although, I must say that these pictures of Suri with a cupcake made my body grow ovaries.

Maybe Whitney Houston couldn't find another man who would be willing to pop her doody bubble, because it's been claimed that she might be back with Bobby Brown. The Chicago-Sun Times says that they've been seen around Georgia acting all romantic-like while having dinner together. Apparently, Bobbi Kristina wants her parents to get back together. She probably misses the fucking comedy relief in the house.

One of Whitney's people said they are "good friends whose primary interest is the well-being of their daughter.''

Not this fuckery again. Okay, I will sign off on these two crazy crackies getting back together if they agree to do so in front of the cameras. Yes, they are every shade of fucked up, but "Being Bobby Brown" was some entertaining shit. I mean, who else could deliver gems (made of crack) like this one:

When isn't Saint Angelina knocked up? Brad Pitt sneezes near her and BOOM! She suddenly has morning sickness. If she uses the toilet right after Brad, ten seconds later she suddenly feels a tingling in her womb from her latest lottery winner. This is why I wouldn't be surprised if InTouch's claims about her being 3-months pregnant with another chosen one turned out to be true. Shit. It's probably four mini-messiahs. Fuck. She's probably carrying a whole 8-person third world family up in there.

According to InTouch, Saint Angie told everyone the news when a waiter tried to pour her ass a booze drink at a restaurant in London. Brad Pitt gave Angie Jo the side-eye because he wasn't ready to go public with the news.

Brangie's spokeswhore said InTouch is lie-telling! They told UsWeekly that she's not pregnant at all. Saint Angie barely presented the twin messiahs to the world last July.

I'm having a hard time believing that she would just blurt it out like that. That's not her style. She would announce the news on the cover of Art Forum. You know, then it wouldn't be considered famewhoring. It would be ART!

When Aubrey O'Day was kicked out of Danity Kant (typo, but it stays), she gave some motivational speech about how everyone thinks she's just some gutter whore and that she's sick of defending herself as a woman. It was truly touching. Well, Aubrey is showing the H8RS that she's not just some "suck a dick for a dime bag" bitch by posing for Playboy. That's right, Aubrey! When you fall off that horse, take off your top, get right back on and ride until you're raw. When life gives you two plastic titty sacks, pose for Playboy!

TMZ says that yesterday in a NYC studio, Aubrey was doing what she does best: skanking it up! The spread is reportedly being shot by Markus Klinko. A source also said that cats were somehow involved.

Duh. They had no choice. When Aubrey took off her chonies, the alley cats starting breaking windows and crawling through the ducts to get in. They thought their rotten fish Thanksgiving feast came early!

Aubrey makes me so proud. My genitals tear up at how she's overcome the odds. She continues to get sluttier and sluttier by the day and this is a truly beautiful thing.

Image: Complex.com

Larry King's sperm gather to strategize - Buck

Runners-up:

Born To Be Mild! - Clarisse

The 5th annual Mega Dork convention opened with the traditional segway circle jerk - anonymouscrazycatlover

Lauren Vélez - Lt. Maria Laguerta from "Dexter" - Lauren was also in "Oz" and that really hot movie "I Like It Like That"