Archives

Today was a holy day in Hollywood and not because it's Sunday, but because Saint Morticia graced it with her heavenly presence at the DVD launch for "Kung Fu Panda" at Grauman's Chinese Theatre. The drug dealers, roaches and hookers of Hollywood took the day off, because even they can't commit sin when a deity is in their midst.

Saint Morticia was kind enough to speak about her four-month-old twin chosen ones to People. Traffic stopped and a hush went over Hollywood Blvd. while Saint Morticia spoke, "They're great. They're still so little, but they do have their own personalities. They're at that stage where their personality really starts to shine."

Um...everything about them shines, because there's a bright ass halo always hovering around their golden heads. They need to be a damn dimmer on that shit! Maddox has to wear a sleeping mask, because it's so fucking bright. RUDE.

Saint Morticia also said the twin messiahs are getting very "smiley." DUH! Of course, they're "smiley." They're smiling because they already know they can end us all in one burp! Also, when they fart, shiny crystal bubbles come out. Babies like shiny things. Even god babies.

Here's Saint Morticia looking extra Morticia-ey with Jack Black, his mega gas belly and that sexy piece of sun-dried tomato Dustin Hoffman.

There might have been a real good reason on why Mimi got hitched to Nick Cannon after only 2-months of dating. Mimi wouldn't let Nick put his Keroppi in her Hello Kitty until after they were married and the thing was starting to purr uncontrollably.

The unicorny princess told the Daily Mirror, "It's not that we had no intimacy, we just didn't have complete intimacy. It's just me, and my feelings. I definitely don't want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is."

Mimi also let Nick rub his Deery-Lou all over her Cinnamorolls while she licked on his Spottie Dotties. And then he'd slap her Little Twin Stars with his Pekkle and bust a load of his Sweet Coron on her throbbing Chi Chai Monchan.

I know I've missed a bunch of character names, but I'm starting to freak myself out.

And I don't think Nick cared about waiting to fuck as long as he got to stick his dick deep into her checking account after they got married.

Here's Mimi in London last night still glowing from getting her no-cherry popped by her new manchild husband.

It's the Boyfriend Arm Pillow! Now, every time the Jennifer Aniston in your life calls you, wanting to whine for hours about how they are so fucking loney and their cats are even giving them the side-eye, you can simply say, "Aniston in my life, go canoodle with the Boyfriend Arm Pillow I got you for Christmas." This shit will save you and your ear drums hours of having to listen to the Aniston in your life's bitches and moans.

Never curl up on the couch alone again, with this comforting arm that wraps around you as if to say, "I'm sorry work was rotten today," or "No, you pick what we watch tonight," all the stuff you'd never hear from a real boyfriend. Polyester filled with comfortable, snuggly foam.

It's only $19.95! And she won't have to worry about it only using her for sex, because he it doesn't have a dick! Wait.....or does it? Somebody call Maury, because I think we just found Nicole Kidman's real pillow baby daddy.

Thanks Faye

Courtney Love blogged about Prop 8 the other day and it sounded like she was thrilled that it passed, but she wasn't. She was just explaining that some bitches were "confuseded" about the confusing language. And in doing so, she confused me. In another friends-only blog, Court explained herself:

prop 8
Current mood: apoplectic

oh you pretty things!
i voted NO against prop 8 !!!! the kids outside were there to clarify that the language was indeed confusing, and so by the way it was, i think its possible alot of people voting YES on prop 8 thought they were voting AGAINST it
I AM NOT ONE OF THEM
and oer the Huffington Post
ARianna knows me, she knows i am an intelligent and refined woman as anyone who knows me knows...

She called me purdy! And it looks like Court has been toking and dictionary reading again. She used the words apoplectic and refined! I had to jump over to the dictionary to look up the word refined to make sure we are all on the same page. Refined: having or showing well-bred feeling, taste, etc.: freed from impurities.

HA! She hasn't been free of impurities since the 60s! But I do like the fact that she used the word. We should all start calling ourselves "refined women." Refined is the new elegant.

Just one blog post on the subject wasn't enough for Court, so she posted another one:

clarity
Current mood: anal plug

i voted AGAINST proposition 8. i want there to be gay marriage rights passionately.
clear?

shall i dress up a giant butt plug and march ? cos if i have time i dammed well will.

I thought I was the only one who had anal plug moods. And Court, I would vote against dressing up as a butt plug unless you want Tommy Girl to swallow you with his hungry hole. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing.

Source: Campaign Silo

Nicole Kidman will play the world's first post-op tranny who is married to Charlize Theron in old timey Copenhagen. File this under: Greedy bitches want another Oscar!

The Hollywood Reporter says that Nicky will produce and act in "The Danish Girl," based on a true story about two married Danish artists who gained international attention in the 1930s after the dude (Nicky) gets the world's first sex change.

It all started in the 1920s when Greta Wegener (Charlize) asked her husband Einar to stand in for a chick model she was supposed to paint. The portraits became the fucking shit in Denmark, so Greta asked her husband to keep up the charade. This leads to Einar deciding that he wants a vagina instead of a peen, so he gets it chopped off. This of course causes drama in their marriage.

Anand Tucker, who directed "Shopgirl," will direct this tranny mess. Pre-production is going on right now, but it's not known when shooting will start.

This shit is like a reversal of "Victor/Victoria" with the cheery singing and dancing numbers getting replaced with raw emotion and a sullen musical score.

I hope they're going to throw in a scene early on where Einar gets some fucking plastic shit injected into his face. That will explain why his mug doesn't move.

And riddle me this, can't they get a fucking man to do this shit?! Or better yet, Tilda Swinton! That hot piece was born to play this role! They are going to ruin a perfectly hot tranny story by making Nicole the lead. Not only does the bitch kill her own facial expressions, but she kills movies too!

Source

Whoever guessed around 96 days in the "When Will Peaches' Marriage Fail?" pool, might come out a winner! 19-year-old Peaches Geldof, daughter of Bob, wants to divorce her new husband after 96 days of marriage.

Peaches got hitched to 24-year-old Max Drummey in Las Vegas back in August after meeting his ass on MySpace. That's the problem. If they met on Friendster, they would still be together. Wait. Does Friendster still exist? That used to be the shit back in the day (like 6 years ago). I digress.....

According to The News of the World, Peaches, who has been living in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is flying her ass of to London this week to start the divorce process. A source said that the two have been fighting all the time and Peaches wants to quit that bitch after 96 days of marriage.

A source said, "She doesn’t fancy him any more, and wants to move on. To her it is as simple as that. She just wants to divorce him and find a new boyfriend. Max is heartbroken. He has been through the mill in the last three months, but there is nothing he can do. He genuinely believed marriage was a long term commitment, but Peaches has shattered his dreams."

Max, turn that frown upside down, hire Larry H. Parker as your attorney and get PAID! Any judge will gladly rule in your favor against a cokey head named Peaches. And you know her shit is rotten.

It's also nice to see that the sanctity of marriage of still alive and well!

Dig out the chastity belt from the attic and strap it onto your husband immediately, because Sienna Miller's bulldozer vagina is back in business! Sienna told UsWeekly that she finally detached Balthazar Getty's hair peen (I'm assuming) from her snatch after only a few months together and she's single now. Single and ready to mingle...with your husband's dick.

At the Hollywood Dominoes event in London, the happy homewrecker said, "I'm single at the moment, and I'm completely happy with that. It's nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I'm cool with being on my own."

And the slutty angels in heaven are singing "Whore-a-lujah!"

Balthazar's dick was getting stale and too complicated, so this shit was long overdue. Let the man with the cartoon villain name go back to his wife and let Sienna go back to doing what she does best: sluttin'! I'm really fucking happy to hear this, because I was starting to think that she was actually...um...dickmatized. Note to sluts of the world: The minute you get dickmatized, immediately put your genitals into rehab and cease all contact with said dick. Dickmatization + a shameless slut = DISASTER!

Below is Sienna in her "dick huntin'" dress at that Domino event on Friday night. If you put your ear to the monitor, you can actually hear her vagina crying tears of joy at the fact that it's getting new peen!

Judi Sheppard Misset - The founder of Jazzercise, the greatest (and gayest) form of exercise in the world! Judi started that shit in 1969 and she's now the CEO of Jazzercise, INC. Above is an extremely hot video from 1982 of Judi in action. She's like Carol Burnett on the bad shit. They should call this shit Crackercise instead. "Hot Dog!"

For Catherine

Eric Dane (36)
Nikki Blonsky (20)
Delta Goodrem (24)
Se7en (24)
Vanessa Minnillo (28)
Sisqo (30)
Uncle Kracker (34)
Nick Lachey (35)
Chris Jericho (38)
Susan Tedeschi (38)
Sandra "Pepa" Denton (39)
Lou Ferrigno (57)
Billie August (60)