While I'm still coherent, I just want to thank all of you whores for dealing with my ass this year. If I could give all of you a handjob while feeding you Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, I would. And I would do it with love.
I was going to do a whole post toasting my favorite crap from 2008, but honestly, I tried to stay drunk and stoned through most of the year, so I don't remember that much. And seriously, who fucking cares? Let's just hope 2009 is filled with many more beautiful gifts like Spaghetti Cat, Rojo Caliente, The Shiba Inu 6, Mah Boo, Kim Zolciak's back alley wig, c-word slips, Chicken Cutlets, The Empress of Lucite, La Pequeña, etc.... Oh shit. I just listed some of my favorite things. I have a genius memory!
Anyihopeiblackouttonight, Happy New Whore to everyone! Get drunk and get dicked!
I never in my life thought I would want to party and do hood rat stuff with Charles Barkley, but now that's all I want to do after reading this shit. So, Charles was busted for DUI in Arizona early this morning. According to the police report, when the cop pulled him over for running a stop sign, Charles said he was just in a rush to get his dick sucked! If I was the officer, I'd let the bitch go on his way. I'm all about hos sucking dick and getting their dicked sucked.
TMZ says the officer wrote in his report, "He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a 'blow job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."
This explains Charles' sweaty mug shot above. He was suffering from a bad case of blue balls. Now, if Charles' ho was so skilled at sucking dick, she should be a master at road head. There's no need to pull over! Any expert peen sucker knows just how to handle it without your head touching the steering wheel. A real pro can even shift gears while making out with the wang.
Charles' comedy act didn't stop there. At the police station, drunk ass Charles told one of the employees that if they got him out of the DUI, he'd tattoo HIS name on THEIR ass. Charles then laughed it off and corrected himself by saying he'd tattoo THEIR name on HIS ass. He's a comedic genius. I think I'm going to tattoo Charles' entire police report on my ass.
Because I'm a serious journalist, I did a little research on Charles and found that he's still married with one kid. He's also considering running for the Governor of Alabama in 2010. Let's see: Charles is a gambling addict, was arrested for drunk driving, and will run a stop sign in order to get a little good head from some random trick. No need for election. It sounds like he has all the qualifications needed to become Alabama's next Governor!
Gay Al is going to burst a cum bubble when he sees these pictures of Star stretching out yet another one of his favorite freakum suits in St. Barts earlier this month. You can even tell by the look on Star's face that she knows Gay Al's manpussy is going to pucker like crazy over this shit. Star's not even wearing it right! She's wearing the top backwards. Gay Al loves the way that top accentuates his sumptuous décolletage.
You know, I don't mind Star's fat band scars. They kind of look like meth pipe burns and I like that feature on a woman. Methinks 2009 is going to be about looking like a day shift truck stop hooker, so meth pipe burns are a must to complete the look. Star is already ahead of the game.
However, I really didn't need to get intimate with Star's world class fupa. There's enough fupa there to keep a large village warm at night. Warm and musty. No wonder Gay Al screamed "Oh my heavens!" every time Star tried to seduce him by wearing a sexy panty set from Torrid.
HoHan's brother is not the dude with the bottle cap in his ear, he's the other one. I'm a little grossed out that I think a Lohan is hot. And his name is Michael Lohan Jr. which is even worse. That means he has the crazy-in-the-brains gene. He also has the gene that makes it okay for you to wear your cell phone on your waistband. And even has a small case of "durr" face.
What the hell is wrong with me? My genitals need rehab and a stern talking to. But he is kind of hot, right? And he's not checking HoHan out in that picture above, he probably spotted a coke dingle hanging out of her ass area.
Here's HoHan looking like a dried out chicken bone in Miami. Her bikini body is courtesy of a strict diet of coke and cooch. I don't think that the little boy in the last few thumbnails below was told by his parents to never kiss a Lohan. Free clinic here he comes!
No, Diddy, he hasn't been moisturizing the sexy. Joaquin hasn't even been bathing the sexy. Obviously.
Joaquin Phoenix said "Bye! Good" to Hollywood and hello to ass bush bugs, seven layer cheese dick and fly nests in his ears. This is what fucking happens when you snort too much bunk coke and drink too many random cocktails left on the bar. I just want to give him a can of RAID and some Hazmat-approved antibacterial soap, because you know there's baby roaches living in that beard.
That being said, I'd hit it with a clothespin on my nose. Well, his sparkly hair clip is fancy!
Here's Joaquin, Casey Affleck, Brett Ratner and Diddy at a douche convention in Miami two nights ago. I bet you Joaquin only talks in his own language, because he thinks the government can hear all his conversations.
Rita Crosby is right! There's nothing wrong with some hot gay action - Towleroad
A blowfish in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna
Why must the paparazzi make MiserAlba even more miserable? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
A Motley Crew: George Clooney, Cindy Crawford & Kid Rock - Popsugar
If St. Angie stopped having babies, every stork in the world would kill itself - Lainey Gossip
Jennifer Garner is probably wondering why Ben keeps screaming "Matt" during sex - Just Jared
But Carrot Top is 100% organic! - Cityrag
The lezzies in prison are probably creaming themselves knowing Janine is on her way - Hollywood Rag
Some dumb bitch is suing the LAPD for forcing her to pretend to be Jamie Lynn - I'm Not Obsessed
Because babies save marriages! - Celebitchy
Mandy Moore & DJ AM break-up, take 2 - ICYDK
Vintage Johnny Depp in chonies - SOW
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick got swindled! - Socialite Life
There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what's what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw "Jennifer" of Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid ass criminal broke into her house and threw her old ass onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge's ball crushing vagina must be so proud.
Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn't pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.
The punchline in this story is that the naked dude's name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.
Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the "cunt" word in there somewhere. It's the official curse word for hardcore memaws.
And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.
The other day, I walked into my mom's kitchen and found her taking $10 from my wallet that was lying on the table without my permission. This is what happened to Dane Cook, but instead of $10, his family member tried to take millions from him. It's disturbing to know that Dane Cook has made millions of dollars from whatever it is he does. He should be paid in well drinks, food stamps and handjobs from day-shift hookers. Not actual money.
The NYDN says Dane Cook's brother, Darryl McCauley, was arrested yesterday in Wilmington, Mass. for allegedly trying to steal millions upon millions from his ass. Darryl has worked as Dane's business manager since the 90s.
The authorities say Dane has been working with them to get Darryl. Darryl has been transferring cash from his douchetard brother's account to his own. Darryl even forged a check for $3 million and deposited it into his own account.
What caca-brained asshole thinks that no on would find out that he faked a $3 million check?! Scratch that question. I just answered it by looking above and seeing the words "Dane Cook's brother." I bet dumb fuck Darryl wrote in the memo: "Shhh! Don't tell Dane."
Darryl is even more stupid than the dumb whores who bought Domino's pizzas with forged checks and then put on Pizza Hut t-shirts to resell the pizzas by the slice at a park. They even forgot to take the pizzas out of the Domino's boxes. This is why freebasing while pregnant is not a good thing.
Here is Eddie Murphy playing a beautiful song for his hos on a big ass boat in St. Barts the other day. Actually, I think Eddie was just trying to charm the snake in one of their bikini bottoms, so that he could find out which one is the tranny. I don't need to play a song to tell Eddie that the one on the left can dick slap him in the face if he wants it. She's built like a twink top who should really be a bottom.
And Eddie's dick charming song is totally an acoustic version "Party All The Time." Why do I love that shit song so much? It just makes you want to pick up a tranny hooker and do lines off her floppy peen with Rick James' ghost. Video below:
Time Warner Cable has beat me down and cut me up so many times before, but like a dumb bitch I never quit them and now it's going to eff me in the ass. I start going into minor convulsions when my cable goes out, so I'm afraid for my own safety come tomorrow. That's because 19 channels will go dark starting at 12:01am on January 1st for Time Warner Cable and Bright House customers.
It all has to do with Time Warner Cable and Viacom acting like two stupid ass skanks! Those evil bitches are fighting over money, of course. Time Warner says Viacom wants to charge more for use of their whores including: MTV, MTV 2, MTV Hits, MTV James, MTV Tr3s, Comedy Central, CMT, Pure Country, Logo, Palladia, Nickelodeon, Noggin, Nick 2, Nicktoons, Spike, The N, TV Land, Vh1, Vh1 Classic and Vh1 Soul. Time Warner Cable doesn't want to pay, because they will have to charge their subscribers more if they agree to it.
No Colbert! No Double Shot At Hep! No Three's Company reruns! No MTV True Life! No Charm School reunion show! None of that! I might as well move to Tibet to become a monk, because I'm fucked. TV and booze are the only two friends I can count on in this world to keep me from flushing myself down the toilet. How will I go on without 19 less channels to choose from? Hmmm. Maybe I can make my dog wear a tin foil hat, run a cord from his ass to my TV and have him stand outside on the window ledge. I would probably get better service too compared to Time Worthless Cable! Don't worry, I'll pay him with freshly baked cat cookies and air kisses. I'd give him real kisses, but I'm afraid of heights.
Viacom created a little PSA above asking whores to complain to Time Warner, because if they don't come up with a solution soon, cable TV will die tomorrow.
But why should we have to call and complain? These idiots need to settle it themselves! Shoot each other! Shank each other! Fist each other! Cage wrestle each other! I don't give a fuck as long as I have my Vh1 tomorrow morning.