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Ultimate drunktard Tara Reid is now working her way up the 12 steps to staying relevant by checking herself into a little known rehab facility known as Promises Malibu. I guess Celebrity Rehab was all booked up?

Her spokeswhore told People, "Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family's privacy at this time."

The spokeswhore wouldn't say what she's being treated for. That's probably because the list is endless and nobody really has that kind of time. The better question would be, "What isn't the bitch addicted to?"

While she's in there, she should also have a contractor, Ty Pennington, a few set decorators, the bomb squad and Bob the Builder come in to look at her war zone tummy. While she's detoxing, she might as well fix the monster on her belly.

And because Tara's in the tank, the booze industry is going to take a big hit, so we need to do our part! This weekend, for every 1 cocktail you drink, drink 6 more for Tara!

Videogum put together a beautiful trip down viral video lane featuring some of my favorite shit from 2008 including Barack Roll, Sasha Fierce, Baby Wee Wee, Christian the Lion and Bill O'Reilly's meltdown.

I understand why they didn't include Spaghetti Cat. Spaghetti Cat is more than just a viral/TV star. Spaghetti Cat is an international legend. It would feel wrong including someone with his iconic status in this shit. However, there is one totally hot bitch missing. Where the fuck is Scarlet?! I watched Videogum's compliation at least 3 times (and enjoyed it every time), thinking that I must have missed her.

Scarlet Takes a Tumble basically sums up my entire year in one quick fall. Let's pay tribute to her now:

Which not too long out of the closet male celebrity with B+ name recognition, can't keep a boyfriend because of performance issues? Apparently no matter how hard he tries or how much Viagra he takes, he just cannot get the job done with boyfriends. The only way he manages to get it in play so to speak is to pay for it with escorts. Then he has no problems. (CDAN)

Does Viagra make your moobs bigger because I immediately thought of Clay Gayken? But I'm going to guess Lance Bass, because he's been manwhoring around lately.

Which tiny pop hunk has a secret boyfriend? The ghetto guy met him at a dance competition and ever since they've been inseparable... (3am Girls)

La Pequena, of course. Or Fetus Archuleta? I shouldn't have said that. His tween stalkers will have my head.

Which rehabbed starlet convinced a group of college kids to bring her a big bag of powder? She hoarded all the drugs for herself before kicking the kids out of her hotel. But the crew had the last laugh - they stole her entire liquor stash as they left. (Gatecrasher)

That's hurtful! Who steals booze from a person?! Booze is holy water! It's sacred. My guess is Hoooooooooohan?

Even Priscilla Presley probably cringed when watching Tommy Girl singing Elvis on Jay Leno last night and you know that's saying a lot. It's almost psychically impossible for Priscilla to move her face, but she did it when hearing Tommy's warble because it hurt down in her very soul. I bet her eyes popped out and now she's blind. Blame it all on this fuckery above.

Tommy talked about how he'd love to do a musical (you know us gays) and that's when he suggested he should sing a little something. The images of him in an ass-less Elvis jumpsuit and Johnny Travolta as Priscilla has made my genitals call in sick for the rest of the day. You know Tommy sings this shit while Johnny is bouncing on his Jailhouse Rock.

Click to the 5:20 mark to get your daily dose of Tommy creepiness. When he sings, his eyes feel like they are touching me inappropriately and telling me to not to tell my priest about it.

And here's TG leaving Kimmel last night with his boyfriends.

We get it. Pamela Anderson is allergic to wearing pants. I understand this. I even understand that she has to wear a coochie hugger during her act with that big gay magician fellow. But she should really check her shit before she exits her dressing room. I know that when I'm about to leave the house in a shiny leotard, I check to make sure my crotch area doesn't look like a stale triple-decker turkey sandwich. It usually does and that's why I never wear my shiny leotard in public anymore. Pammy should do the same. Or at least get one that doesn't smother her vagina. The thing has been through enough! We should really throw a telethon for that traumatized snatch.

Below is Pamela Anderson in Amsterdam with Hans Klok. You might be wondering where the scratch on her ass came from in the first thumbnail. It came from her dried up labia lips trying to scratch their way out of that leotard.

I could probably use the above title a dozen more times if I did more investigative reporting. I mean, I think all American Idol rejects end up in gay porn (even the girls) eventually. Shit. I think all of us will end up doing gay porn sooner or later. Yeah, so you better practice keeping your privates erect while getting it in the stink. Your time is cumming soon.

You might remember Zach Travis' American Idol audition that left the judges confused. Well, Simon and Randy anyway. Paula is always confused. Zach was the girly boy who wore bellbottoms and heels while singing Whitney Houston's Queen of the Night. Randy asked him if he was a dude or a chick. Zach was rejected and his dreams were crushed....

That's until he chopped off the librarian bob, tossed the heels in the dumpster and pulled his ass cheeks apart. Now the only thing that's getting crushed is Zach's asshole! Zach does gay porn now and goes by the name Kirk Cummings. Okay, couldn't he have come up with a better name than that?! Randy Jackmeoff? Or maybe Simon Bowels (ew)? Or even Semen Cowell?

The Sword uncovered Zach's new gay porn image as well as his new "song" called "Badass." The song is nothing to bust nuts over, but (NSFW) click here to see Zach's other skills which he seems to be much better at.

Good for Zach! When someone kicks you to the ground, just get on your knees and start sucking your way to the top (or bottom in his case)! It's the American dream!

Below is Zach's song "Badass" and click here to see his original Idol audition.

(Thanks Jack Shamama)

Poseidon's son has a fake-tittied stalker - IDLYITW

Gerald Butler looks like he's trying to hold in the booze barf - Just Jared

Dancing with the Has-Beens kills relationships - Towleroad

John Mayer and Don Rickles are totally doing it - Lainey Gossip

This is probably the most stressful thing Ceiling Eyes did all week - Hollywood Tuna

If you work in an office, never leave gum on your desk (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The Veronica Mars broad trying to be hot - Egotastic!

Hummer bummers - Cityrag

Josh Hartnett is trying to join the stache club - Popsugar

Princess Zac Efron goes dildo shopping - oceanUP

Brit Brit and Ellen Degeneres are ruining Christmas - Hollywood Rag

I'm hoping his year's Oscars will be shirt-optional since Hugh Jackman is hosting it and he suffers from Matthew McConaughy syndrome. The Oscar bitches announced today that Hugh will host the Oscars on February 22nd. The show is usually hosted by people who tell jokes for a living, but they decided that sex sells so they got Hugh instead.

Hugh is actually an excellent choice! As long as he keeps his shirt off, keeps the bow tie on (it is the Oscars after all) and opens the show in an Oscar statue hammock thong, everyone will be pleased. Tommy Girl better keep his hungry no-no under lock and key, because that thing is going to try and eat the host.

Oh and Hugh better recreate this performance he did for the Tony Awards (complete with Carole Bayer Sager's introduction, of course):

Source

The picture above is what my wet dreams basically looked like when Sam Talbot's season of Top Chef was airing. French fries and Sam! The only thing missing is a hot tub full of mayo.

One of the biggest manwhores of NYC, Sam Talbot, is now wearing a wedding ring. A source close to Sam told People that he got married to some trollop in NYC on November 17th at City Hall. Marrying at City Hall usually means you need a green card or baby is coming.

The source went on to say, "They are madly in love, and he is the happiest man alive to call her his wife."

This doesn't hurt that much, because I pretty much got over Sam after learning that he betrayed me last July. All the pictures I Photoshopped of Sam and me running hand in hand on the beach, canoodling in a French bistro and playing naked Twister have been erased from my computer.

Besides, this is my new Top Chef crush: