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The next time I'm in the hospital because my asscave exploded again, I want Nurse Wino to tend to my every need. Amy Wino would make the best nurse ever! A few lucky ass patients at THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) in London have been fortunate enough to be served by the Crackie of Camden!

Wino has been shacked up in the hospital for almost three weeks while recovering from her lungs quitting her ass or something close to that. Wino was in danger of getting kicked out of THE CLINIC, because she's a wreck, but she's gotten back into the good graces of some of the nurses by helping them out.

A source told The Sun, “She has been charming the nurses by helping them with their tasks. She’s been mucking in.”

Wino just wants full access to all available drugs. I shouldn't say that. Wino also has a lot of love to give and by "love" I mean illegal narcotics. It probably fills her crackhive with joy when she spreads a little TLC to all the patients. In Wino's case, TLC stands for tender loving crack.

Like I said earlier in this post, Wino is the one you want caring for you in your hour of need. When you tell her you have a headache, she'll give you GHB instead of Aspirin. When you tell her you're feeling a little weak, she'll fill your IV with heroin instead of nutrients. And instead of serving you the generic hospital Jello, she'll give you Jello shots!

So....Lily Allen has done a classy cover of Brit Brit's "Woomanizah," because covering sugary pop songs in a moody way makes you look like a true artiste who can make any old song sound like a musical masterpiece. Or something like that. Don't get me wrong, Lily's voice is a millions Frapps better than Brit's computerized Wall-E warble, but it's "Woomanizah" not "Womanizer." Lily's saying it all wrong. "Womanizer" doesn't bring up images of Brit Brit chasing Chester Cheetah around with a broken off tree branch.

Hopefully, Lily's cover is one of the last we'll ever hear again, because this song is still taking up precious rental space in my head. (UPDATE: And here's LadyHawke's version..... Make it stop! She sounds like she's running a fucking marathon barefoot while singing this shit.)

This song needs to be wheeled away to Shady Pines where it will spend the afternoons playing shuffleboard and spend its nights participating in coke-fuelled orgies (they totally do that shit in retirement homes).

Okay, I just listened to Lily's version again and I....might....like....it. No!!! That song needs to be gone from mah head!

And here's a few pictures of the little Cheetoling arriving in Tokyo yesterday. I double checked to make sure there was a Starbucks in Japan, because I feared for her health. And I also threw in some pics of Lily with the Abominable Snowman's dick bush on her head while shopping in London yesterday.

Nope, there's no living things here. Let's keep moving along before one of them starts to move. Seriously, I think whatever Marie Osmond makes her dolls out of, she uses the same shit to cover her own face. She's turning into one of her own creepy creations. I bet she doesn't even have a vagina or no-no anymore. It's all skin down there like a doll. Pussy-less crotch! Shit, I'd be surprised if she blinks! That scares me and makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Have you ever been in the house of a freaky doll collector? It's not a pleasant experience. It's like you've walked into Satan's nightmares. All the dolls stare at you, following your every move. It's worse when the creepy doll collector starts showing you her favorite ones and does voices for them. One the hos who lived in my neighborhood growing up was a creepy doll lady. I would skip that bitch's house at Halloween time, because I knew that's when the dolls came out to play.

Here's Marie with her dark-sided creations at the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas yesterday.

John Stamos has failed me. He was supposed to be the force behind bringing Kimmy Gibbler back to where she belongs: my Tivo queue. John was working on a spin-off of Full House, but has now given it up and swept it into the gutter. Kristine at E! has delivered the tragic news that John is no longer going to try and make a Full House remake happen, because he is a selfish and evil person who obviously has hate in his heart for Kimmy.

A source said, "We couldn't make the deal. It's completely dead right now." The "insider" (aka DJ's Pillow Person) went on to say, "It could happen in the future."

When in the future?! Kimmy Gibbler's comeback needs to be fasttracked! A few hos have told me that Kimmy is living in California, working at a college, begging to get back to San Francisco and into those totally hot outfits. Actually, I guess she hates being called Kimmy Gibbler. Yeah, weird. That's totally her name.

Anyway, I will totally forgive John if he promises to reunite with The Rippers and play this song at my funeral party:

Emergen-C!!! I drink an Emergen-C at least 5 times a week and while downing one this morning, I realized how much I love it with every bone in my body. Like really love it. Whenever I'm feeling a little gross, I drink a fizzy Emergen-C and everything is okay for a few minutes at least. You can even put a little shot of vodka in there for a healthy and delicious cocktail. I've even considered snorting it, but I'm not sure if that's such a good idea.

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