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Survivor spoiler alert! You know, being a cunt is something that comes naturally. If you force it, it just doesn't work. You can't wake up one day and say, "I'm going to be a mega cunt!" No, you just are one. You're born with a special gene. The cunt gene! Corinne from Survivor desperately wants the cunt gene, but she just doesn't have it. During last night's Survivor finale, Corinne submitted her application into the Cunt Club by trashing one of the finalists, Sugar, for crying about her deceased daddy.

Sugar's daddy passed away from lung cancer before she went off to do Survivor and because of this, she cried all the time. I mean, all the time. When the wind would blow a different direction, the bitch would start crying. So I wasn't really shocked that Corinne brought this up during the final Tribal Council, but even I cringed when she told Sugar, "The only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of anti-depressants so that no one has to be subjected to your constant crying. Maybe if you got some, it would seem a little more sincere when you are crying about your dead father." And it was so fucking badly rehearsed! I'm surprised Corinne didn't keep looking at her hand to see if she skipped any important disses. Corinne's cunt rant was a major FAIL! When you look like a trailer trash version of Joanie Cunningham, it's hard to pull off the whole Queen Bitch thing. Dumb whore!

I figured Sugar would get a few votes because of Corinne's stupid ass, but she didn't get one in the finals. Pepaw Bob ended up getting most of the votes and winning that shit! I secretly wanted Susie to take it, because that would've been the most random triumph ever. And I'm pissed off that Marcus' floppy peen didn't win fan favorite.

Here's some of contestants during last night's finale. Why do most of them look worse during the live finale? Most of these whores look so much hotter without the make-up, hair gel and extra chunk.

Sugar looks like a low budget Gretchen Mol. Matty looks like an overbaked female-to-male tranny. Randy looks like a serial killer on and off the island, so nothing's really changed with him. And Bob still looks like he smells like popcorn. Seriously, whenever I see Bob, I suddenly get a mad craving for buttered popcorn.

Barney Bush has always been my favorite ho in the White House. He's a grouchy motherfucker who will bite your ass if you get too close and he loves Christmas! Barney decorated the entire White House this year for the holidays! Don't laugh. This video proves it!

I wish I was as high as Barney is while watching this shit, because it might make it less fucked up. Seriously, Barney must be on some good, hard shit. The video has it all wrong. Barney doesn't dream of being in the Olympics. No, he dreams of running through Cindy McCain's medicine cabinet. Barney and I should party sometime.

And the scene at the beginning with the Bush family could have been shot with animatronic robots instead and it would have been more natural. That scene made an episode of The Hills look like fucking Terms of Endearment.

(Thanks Ray)

We're all in need of an end of day peen break! Skip the caffeine and have yourself some wang instead.

Today's is brought to you by Scott Caan. I've actually pondered what Little Man Caan's peen is like. The dude is like the size of a small Travelocity troll. I'm not even joking. Okay, he's 5'5", but I pictured him with a tiny taquito dick: short and skinny. I'm sort of surprised that his twig and berries are the size of a normal man's! Miniature dudes sometimes have miniature bits.

Now, I didn't want to waste any of my Happy Hour coins on buying the pictures (cheap I am), so run on over to Defamer to see the goods. His golden beets look so soft too. I bet he rubs them in cocoa butter and serenades them to sleep every night.

And it goes without saying....but I'd hit it every which fucking way. He'd need a step stool to hit it from the back, but lucky for us, I've got one of those!

What former American Gladiator is now making a living by offering massages on Craigslist? (CDAN)

OMG! Please let it be Malibu! I bet he throws in happy endings for free! Malibu is too good to be true, so I'll guess Militia? The dude has done gay porn before.

What married, Academy Award nominated actress is involved in an affair with a married director from one of her latest films? (CDAN)

Kate Winslet and Stephen Daldry?! Those tramps!

Which actor who played a cheating husband on TV has been cheating on his wife in real life? At an annual charity golf tournament on Long Island last summer, he spotted an attractive beautician, got her number, and found out she was willing. (Page Six)

Mr. Big isn't married. He was my first guess. Maybe James Gandolfini then?

Which professional athlete talks dirty in the third person? Many of his A-list conquests have had to endure "Yeah, [blank] likes it like that!" (Gatecrasher)

Derek Jeter? And I bet he calls himself Daddy Jeter.

Which good-looking young actor took a car that didn’t belong to him? After dining at a restaurant favored by Hollywood hot shots - and consuming as much alcohol as food - he pointed out his car to the valet. The valet grabbed the keys without checking to see if the numbered valet parking tickets matched, and handed off the vehicle to the actor. It wasn’t until the actor got a parking ticket on the car an hour later that he realized that it wasn’t even his car. He drove straight back to the restaurant, where a very relieved valet quickly and quietly exchanged keys. The actor didn’t pay the parking ticket, nor did he tip the valet. The first car’s owner is in for quite the surprise when they get the late notice in the mail. (Blind Gossip)

Sh-Sh-Sh-SHIA? Or Robert Pattinson?

Birthday: October 7, 2008
Age:
Birth Names: Autumn, Ayumi, Amaya, Aki, Akoni and Ando!

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 7, 2008
Claim to Fame: Um. Being born. And also capturing my heart by napping all fucking day, tongue kissing their own private areas, sniffing at butt nuggets and basically trying to commit manslaughter on each other. It feels like it was just yesterday that they charmed me with their 23-hour long naps filled with whimpers.

Where are they now? Three of them have already left the world of show business for their new homes. Aki and Amaya will leave in a week or so. That's probably when the puppy cam will come down forever. I'm expecting the internet to go with it. What's the point of going on without them!

Why are they HS of the Week? Why not is the better question! These few weeks, I've lived, breathed and slept (I'm not going to say eaten) the Shiba Inu 6! They were my everything. I even skipped out on a couple of fuck sessions in order to spend more time with them. True story. That's real love.

Alien balls: who knew RiRi's were so big - Just Jared

David Archuleta probably had to get his diaper changed after getting love poked by Lady GaGa - Towleroad

MiserAlba does her best Ugly Betty impersonation - Hollywood Tuna

Leo and Lukas are still best homegirls - Popsugar

Real fauxmosexuals don't wear bras - Egotastic!

Blair Waldorf is doing it all wrong. You're supposed to get engaged to a co-star for some free publicity. Duh. - Lainey Gossip

They will put any old damn chipmunk trick on Maxim (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Hot (and some raggedy) pieces at the Spike TV Video Game Awards - IDLYITW

The bills don't pay themselves! Carmen Electra got a weekend job - Hollywood Rag

Tommy Girl does the Funky Chicken - Cityrag

File this under: the suckiest news of the day. Our holiday wish that Rachael Ray will finally be silenced is not going to come true after all. Rachael was supposed to have throat surgery this week, but that has been canceled after Satan determined that her voice is needed to continue to punish the innocent people of this world.

Rachael's pr bitch told People, "During the course of normal pre-op care, Rachael started an intensive new vocal therapy and it is now the opinion of her doctor that surgery may not be necessary. Rachael is very grateful that it won't be a silent Christmas and thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes."

Fess up! Who prayed and sent well wishes? Whoever did, is a child of Lucifer.

Methinks Rachael needs a second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth opinion. She sounds like a cigarette-smoking trucker who just deep throated a penis made out of sandpaper. There is obviously something wrong in there. I will gladly spend 20-minutes to get my medical license online, so that I can give Rachael my professional and honest opinion: her cords need to be snipped ASAP.

What do you get for being married to a chewed-up piece of gristle for 8 years: $76 million!!!

Vadge's spokeswhore, Liz Rosenburg, told AP that Vadge will pay Guy Ritchie anywhere from $76 to $92 million as part of their divorce settlement.

Liz said the $76 million figure also includes the value of their English country estate and the price of his nustack. He probably got an extra $10 mill for all the therapy he'll need after seeing her roided-up snatch close up.

Liz went on to say, "I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement."

Vadge and Guy are still working out custody arrangements for Rocco and David.

Christmas has come early for Guy, but knowing Vadge, there's probably a catch. Vadge is going to make Guy wrestle away the money from her muscly crocodile snatch. I'm sorry, but Guy is no match for her deadly crotchodile. It will swallow him whole.

17-year-old Socks the cat, the former head pussy of the White House, is laid up in bed with cancer and not doing too good. Socks is currently shacked up with Betty Currie, who used to be Bill Clinton's personal secretary, in Maryland. A family friend said Socks' days are numbered. The friend also said that the vet was willing to put Socks on feeding tubes, but the Currie family decided he was too old for that mess.

I actually wrote a letter to Socks when I was in high school. It was a poem. That fucking says a lot about me. Writing poems to cats when I'm in high school! I think I thought he could really read it.

I barely knew Bill Clinton's name, but I knew everything about Socks! And when Buddy came along, I was just as pissed off as Socks was. Replaced by a dog!

Oh, Socks! Smoke up a little cat nip and get comfortable. Soon you'll be making your way to the big White House in the sky where Buddy is patiently waiting to make your afterlife a living hell (in a loving way, of course)!

Source: US News & World Reporter

The S.S. Queen Aretha docked in NYC last night to perform a special holiday concert for the troops. If I would have known about this shit, I would've joined the Navy as their official fluffer just so I could go to this concert to see the Queen of Chichis with that little hat on her head. I think the dude she got it from is still trapped under her twin Honey Baked Hams. Bitches probably threw several lifesavers his way to get him out, but Aretha kept mistaking them for the minty treats.