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Ivana Trump quit her fourth husband only 3 months ago and she's already got a new diaper-wearing boy toy to keep her turkey arms gobblin' at night. Ivana was in Paris last night with some 22-year-old model type who goes by the name of John-David Dery. Yes, he's 22 and she's fucking 59.

Ivana obviously loves the scent of baby powder on the nuts and John-David loves her money. And from the looks of him, he probably loves the scent of baby powder on the nuts too. The dude doesn't look like a vagina-only kind of boy.

This bitch is going to get her gold digging membership card revoked if she marries this one. Fuck it, ride it, suck it, eat it and then throw that shit away! She does not need any legal ties to that dick. His ass is going to do whatever it takes for her to say "I do." He'll even deal with her pissing on his dick during fucky times. Okay, let's talk about this for a quick second.

My horny aunt once told me that she couldn't hold her water during sex anymore. She actually said that she "wets on the penis" sometimes. I figured she meant she was just busting nuts, but she cleared it up for me, "No. I go #1." She actually said #1. We're talking about pissing during fucking and she tries to be all polite-like. Anyway, she said that in her old age, she has that problem now. I asked some other oldies about it and they said it never happens to them. So my aunt obviously just has a pissy pussy. For some reason when I saw these pictures of Ivana and her new piece, I thought of pissy pussy.

Here's Ivana, her plastic cat face and her toy at some restaurant in Paris last night.

Dear Beyonce, Brit Brit and all those other bitches who think they know how it's done - This is how it's really done! This is exactly how the world wants to be entertained. Tina Turner is the que-que-que...I can't call her that. The word won't come out. If I do, Queen Aretha will lay one of her chichis over me and I'll disappear forever.

During her "I'm 69 an Oh So Fine" tour, Tina Turner gets her hot ass into her old Aunty Entity outfit and plops Kim Zolciak's weekend wig on her head to perform "We Don't Need Another Hero." This is the shit I need to see. Heaven is probably Tina Turner wearing this outfit singing that song on a loop. That mega hot piece behind her is also there feeding us grapes.

Below are a few more pictures of Tina Turner busting it for the audience at Madison Square Garden in NYC last night. Tommy Girl and his tired robot wifey were in the audience. Tommy was only there to ask Tina how he can get a hold of one of those Aunty Entity costumes. One of Johnny Travolta's fantasies involves him in his Battlefield Earth costume and Tommy as Aunty Entity.

Stephen Colbert has a mission for America. He wants all of us to purchase his Christmas album on iTunes this Wednesday at 5pmEST so that he can push Kanye West off the #1 spot. Stephen believes that his ego is big enough to go up against and crush Kanye's gigantic-enormous-magnificent ego.

I will gladly march with Stephen's army and spend $7.99 to help complete his mission, but deep down I know Kanye West will prevail! He will not be trumped by The Colbert! He will take to his MacBook Air and swiftly purchase as many copies of his own album as possible so that Stephen will come up short. BITCH BOGUS! And I also can't wait to hear what Kanye has to say.....in all CAPS of course. He's not angry, just lazy!

The truth is, Our Lady of Cheetos is going to triumph against both of them. Do not underestimate the Cheetoholics!

Stephen's call to America is below:

Which in-the-news celebrity is worried that his relationships with a transexual escort and a rent boy are going to hit the newsstands? (Popbitch)

Stone Phillips! I don't know why he popped into my head. Wishful thinking. Don't even guess Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. Don't! He would never cheat on me.

She’s gone from sweet as pie to a hot mess! This former American beauty gets “so drunk and out of control it’s disgusting,” a security guard tells Star. “Two years ago, I got a limo from a friend’s company to take her to an event, and she threw up all over it. I ended up on my knees scrubbing up. It was the last time I will ever work for her - period!” (Star via Blind Gossip)

Eeeeeeasy. Mena Suvari?

Who could say no to this blonde moppet? Not her bodyguard who is often tasked with providing her with her favorite brand of cigarettes, American Spirit. So what’s the problem? This smokin’ little girl is only 15! (Star via Blind Gossip)

Another eeeeeeeasy one. Little Jenny from Gossip Girl?

Which young actor is hungrily hoovering up as much coke as he can get his hands on? He thinks it’s a kind of magic, but unfortunately one that gives him a two-day bout of depression and makes him shout utter bollocks at strangers for hours. Oh, and he also likes to pull rabbits out of men’s bottoms rather than a lady’s mary. (Holy Moly!)

Rabbits out of dude's asses? Richard Gere be damned! My guess is DanRad? He can "pull a rabbit" out of my bottom anytime. Seriously, he might find one in there as well as a few of your missing socks and maybe the Heart of the Ocean.

I'm going to make this short, because there's a Hot Pocket calling my name. There's so many chemicals in a Hot Pocket that it could probably grow lips and actually call my name. Anyway, it's about that time to make the most important decision of the month and vote for November's Hot Slut of the Month! This time I have 5 sluts for you to choose from: 4 blondes and 1 sexy ginge! Here's your choices:

Joe Jackson - Albino musical genius!
Stu Rasmussen - America's first tranny mayor!
Toby the Dog - The face and scooting ass of the Stanley Steemer Company!
Kim Zolciak - Take all the descriptions above, mix them in a bowl and you have Kim!
Jeremy Jordan - Star of my 90s wet dreams!

Voting is in the right sidebar. The winning slut will be announced on Thursday. Make the right choice!

Let's celebrate Brit Brit's birthday with a no panty party! - Cityrag

MiserAlba just needed a little booze to cheer her up - Egotastic!

ScarJo goes strawberry - Lainey Gossip

Why were these two dumb fucks let back in? - Popsugar

Fat Elvis sucks at everything including driving - IDLYITW

Sports Illustrated made Michael Phelps' face look even worse - Towleroad

Wonky McValtrex's herp titties are back - Hollywood Tuna

Nicole Richie actually has an ass...somewhat (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dickwad in a tux - Just Jared

Put Axl Rose's face on a milk carton - Hollywood Rag

Australia the movie is basically tanking everywhere from the US to its homeland. Because Nicole Kidman has an epic failure on her botoxed hands (you know she does), this means it's time for Sunday Roast to get to work to help promote this piece of shit movie!

Nicky Kidman and her frosty-topped husband dragged Sunday Roast all through Paris this morning. Nicky is in France to promote the movie that not even kangaroos want to see.

I know you're thinking that just because her name is Sunday Roast, it must mean she's always warm, but I doubt this is the case. She must be one frozen little roast from being that close to the ice queen herself! Damn. Is Nicky taking baby dressing advice from Tommy Girl? Probably.

Beyonce and Shane Mercado came fierce to fierce at the NYC premiere of Cadillac Records last night. Shane was kind enough to keep all his fierceness bundled up in order to protect Beyonce. If he really let it out, her ass would be knocked down to the basement with Solange. If I was Shane, I would've brought a gang of cholita beauties with me in case Beyonce tried some shit. You know she's mad at him for out-fiercing her on YouTube and wanted to get revenge by stabbing him with her cyborg hand. She was so filled with rage over seeing the real Sasha Fierce in person that she forgot to summon Solange from the basement to wax her furry 'gina pits (first thumbnail below).

Here's more of Beyonce killing Shane with her eyes last night. I also threw in some pictures of Adrien Brody and the always chichi-wonderful Toccara. Maybe Beyonce purposely kept her arm pies hairy to match Adrien.

Only a beauty-hating monster would harm the Empress of Lucite! Hitting Shauna Sand is like pistol whipping a newborn kitten. Pure evil!

TMZ says that the Empress was granted a temporary restraining order against her husband, Romain Chevent, yesterday after she claimed he did some heinous shit to her! Just reading about the atrocities he committed upon her makes my eyes burn with those tear-things people talk about. I guess this is what crying feels like?

In the documents, Shauna states that Romain hit at her luscious breasts right after she had some titty work done. She also said that he choked, punched and threw her across the room. She got a restraining order against him in 2007, but dismissed it after he promised to change.

The son of Satan also threatened to sell nude pictures of her young daughters! This is what Shauna claims anyway. She says he took them while he was babysitting. Where the fuck was Chris Hansen and the pitcher of iced tea when we needed them most?

Romain must have hid all of Shauna's exquisite lucite heels, because if she had them on she would have been able to float away to safety on a cloud of elegance.

The government needs to step in and do something about this! Fuck a restraining order! He needs to be sentenced to life in prison for attacking one of the world's most beloved treasures. Someone do something about this!

Below are pictures of the lucite-hater. If you see him, it is your duty as a human being to slap him in the teeth and perform a citizen's arrest on him. CITIZEN'S ARREST!

These are the last three hos I want to see naked on a damn magazine cover. Are they trying to cause mass nausea with this shit? Most of you probably don't even know who these fuglets are. It's the daughters of Rod Stewart, Ronnie Wood and Bob Geldof on Tatler shot by Bryan Adams. Shooting this unfortunate cover is obviously to blame for the crazies coming after Bryan.

They look like three cracked out lot lizards who traded in their clothes for half a rock. Not hot.

And if one of the "great winter fashion trends" includes looking like these nasties, then I'm making like a bear and hibernating until spring.