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Most dog owners have a rule that if you don't become BFFs with their dog(s), then the fuck party must come to an end. It doesn't look like Jennifer Aniston is one of those dog owners. Gatecrasher says that Jenny did not bring her dogs, Norman and Dolly, to NYC while she promotes Marley & Me, because John Mayer would probably strangle or curse them out. He apparently hates hates haaaates them. So Jenny left them in Los Angeles, probably because she's dickmatized. And when you're dickmatized, the dick rules all.

A source said that John even hated Jessica's Simpson's angel of a dog Daisy. There's a special place in the toilet closet in hell for people who hate Daisy Simpson.

Jenny's spokeswhore said the story is made of a million lies, but I believe it. John Mayer probably farts at anything that takes the attention anyway from him. When Jennifer brushes her teeth, he totally yells at her fucking toothbrush. He's gross.

As a dog owner, I've never met a dude who didn't like my dog. It's mostly been the other way around. They like my dog better than they like me. They come over to hang out with my dog and leave me in the fucking corner like I'm a damn fern. My dog knows it too. He gives me looks like "Yeah, bitch. I got yo man!"

I honestly don't think I'd ever find a dude who liked me but didn't like my dog. I mean, my dog and me are so much alike. We both are stupid lazy sluts who love bacon and are easily amused by rubber toys. If you don't like him, you don't like me.

The straightest of all straights, Ryan Straightcrest, is a producer on Brody Jenner's new show Bromance and he talked to TVGuide about his own relationship with his "bros."

"I've advocated for years that it's OK for dudes to do things together. I'm fine going to the spa and getting massaged with my buddy. I quite like it."

That sounds like the opening scene of a zillion gay porn movies. This is quite possibly the gayest thing I've heard all hour and that's saying a lot. And by "I quite like it" Gaycrest really means "My prostate looooves it."

(Thanks Mike)

Gatecrasher says that gayelle DJ SamRo made nearly $3 million last year. Yes, for plugging her iPod in, pressing play and then going off to the bathroom to squeeze on HoHan's clitty or something. Speaking of HoHan, she's the whole reason why SamRo is raking in the cash. When SamRo started spitting on HoHan's carrot muffin ------ Wait. Let's hold that thought for a quick minute and discuss something off-topic. Sidebar!

Why in porn do whores always spit on dicks and coochies? I've never done this shit in real life! Seriously, when a porn ho is sucking on a dick, every now and again she spits on it! The dude will usually moan "Spit on my prick" or something stupid like that. The same goes for the dudes. When he's feasting on snatch, he spits a loogie on it like he's getting ready to give it a shoe shine. It's bizarre! If someone spit on my privates, I'd slap them in the tongue. Don't disrespect my private area like that! Sidebar over....

When SamRo started spitting on HoHan's carrot muffin, her rate went from $1,500 to as much as $25,000 a night. An inside source said that promoters know that if they book SamRo her partner in pussy is probably going to tag along. The source went on to say, “Sam’s now asking for a lot more money to spin, and she’s getting it easily.”

One of SamRo's friends said she doesn't need HoHan to make cash. “She’s always had money, and relied more on [famous deejay brother] Mark for getting gigs booked. In fact, Sam made Lindsay hot again!”

Who cares why SamRo is making $25,000 a night! The fucked up thing is that she's making that much to seriously put her iTunes on "party shuffle." SamRo is the saddest little DJ ever. She just stands there with a frown on her face, poking at her laptop. She looks like she'd rather be getting a pap smear from Freddy Krueger.

Seriously, SamRo is no DJ Spinderella. Now that bitch deserves $3 million a year.

Which Oscar-winning actress always must be a drain on hotel maids? The now-taken beauty always asked her former flames to perform a golden shower during romantic interludes, and we hear she had a few takers.(Gatecrasher)

Is Renee Zellweger taken, because her squinty face always looks like it's preparing for a golden shower? My other guess is Angie Jo, because that bitch used to love it nasty-style?

Who is going to have to pay through the nose to stay in the closet? Sometimes a gay actor will marry a member of the opposite sex in the hopes that it will boost their hetero credibility and expand the range of roles offered to them. The trouble with this strategy is that if the relationship doesn’t last, the ex has a tremendous amount of leverage over the actor. Such is the case of this network TV star whose fake marriage is over. The star’s attorney is trying to get their client to settle quickly and quietly to prevent the ex from spilling secrets. However, the star is now weighing the hefty cost of paying off the ex versus outing themselves. (Blind Gossip)

Kate Walsh?

This B list film actress who was once the "it" actress is married with child but that marriage is in trouble. Seems she is not a fan of her husband or the child and would rather focus on her career and being famous again. (CDAN)

MiserAlba?

This B list actor on an ensemble show which is not Grey's Anatomy thinks he is the star of stars and the reason everyone watches. Yeah, right. Well anyway, he has decreed that he wants to only be filmed from the waist up because he wants to be able to wear shorts everyday on the set. When producers started giving him a hard time about it, he decided that he would just start dropping his pants during every scene. It is a standoff basically until after the Christmas holidays. (CDAN)

Whenever there's a blind item about an asshole on a TV show, my mind immediately wanders over to The Piv!

This idiot of a person who is a Golden Globe winning actress/supporting actress knew one of her friends was allergic to peanuts, but wanted to see what would happen if her friend ate them. So, she made a cake with ground up peanuts in it, and watched her friend swell up like a balloon before deciding that maybe the friend did need to go to the hospital. So far the friend has not called the cops or sued. (CDAN)

Idiot of a person? Has to be Kate Hudson!?!

Birthday: Crazy
Age: Crazy
Birth Name: Crazy

Original Date of HS of the Day: December 19, 2008
Claim to Fame: Crazy. Seriously. Crazy. The Cheetah Lady has become a minor YouTube celebrity thanks to this CRAZY video of her plea to live in a condo, eat tacos and drink wine.

Where is she now? Hopefully, in the crazy house.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because I neeeeeed to know if she ever got into a condo. I also need her to make another video even though this one makes my soul cry. The other night, I was so wasted and I decided to play this video in several browser windows at the same time. Don't do that. It's like opening up the portal to the dark world.

And I think her "baby" Freda prays every night for a bolt of lighting to strike her or for an army of rabid mice to drag her to their den.

Who is this bitch on Germany's Cosmo? - Just Jared

Eliza Dushku topless in her latest direct-to-DVD masterpiece - Egotastic!

Reese and Jakey looking absolutely fucking thrilled while having dinner - Lainey Gossip

Bronx Mowgli's mommy got a shit dye job - Popsugar

I wish I was in Australia....in a bikini .....eating salad in a bowl - Hollywood Tuna

Hopefully, Chris Brown is telling RiRi that her peace dress is made of fug - IDLYITW

Drag Queen Mary in a manger - Towleroad

Remember Stephanie Seymour? Well, here's her ass. Literally (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Why must Marisa Miller lay on delicious Froot Loops like that? - Hollywood Rag

Kid Rock smells - Cityrag

I keep beating a dead whore again, but Pamela Anderson's FACE! This bitch obviously doesn't have any true friends in her life, because a real bitch would tell Pamela her face looks like it needs yellow police tape around it. That's real talk.

I really just want to call 911 so that the fire department can come and hose down her face of meth. The bitch who did Pam's make-up has bigger problems than she does. Her make-up job was definitely done by a crackhead with shaky hands who ran out of black eyeshadow, so used burnt-up charcoal ashes instead. This is a face don't!

Pamela, please seek help from the Agency for Toxic Substances so that they clean your shit up!

Here's Pammy at some car show in Las Vegas yesterday and later at LAX without pants on. I mean, what is the meaning of this? Pammy is making the toothless prostitutes from Hookers at the Point look like the direct descendants of the Empress of Lucite. This shit is ridiculous.

Naw, you aren't having an acid flashback. This squirrel is actually purple and his name is Pete. Pete the purple squirrel has become a local celebrity at the Meoncross School in Stubbington, Hampshire since he made his first appearance a little while ago. The teachers and students have gotten somewhat close to Pete to see how he got his purpley coat. One teacher said it doesn't look like it's paint, because Pete's entire coat is purple. It's not just in patches.

The Daily Mail got the advice of some animal expert. TV wildlife host Chris Packham said Pete has been hanging out in a building where old ink cartridges are kept. Because of this, he thinks Pete probably chewed on some purple cartridges and then licked himself with it.

Chris said, "Squirrels will chew anything even if it's obviously inedible. He is unlikely to have fallen into paint because that would probably have killed him. I imagine he'll return to his normal grey by spring when he moults."

What the hell kind of stupid reason is that? There has to be a better explanation on why Pete looks like one of Grimace's beady beads. Maybe he fell into my abuelita's hair dye? Or maybe he was in Los Angeles partying with Brit Brit. I'm sure too much PURPLE DRANK will fucking turn your ass purple. Wait. When did Robert Pattinson cut down his magical forest? I think I may have seen a purple squirrel bouncing around in there once or twice....

Whatever the reason is for Pete's purple coat, he's still magically precious. I'm sure he shits blueberries and pisses grape soda pop.

Robert Pattinson's magical forest has been mowed down! This tragic incident has left dozens of unicorns, fairies and toadstools homeless. They temporarily set up home inside Princess Zac Efron's perfectly manicured dick bush, but it's just not the same. I mean, the top of Robert's hair doesn't twinkle the way it used to.

There has to be a good reason for this. Maybe he donated his enchanted locks to scientists so that they can use it to find the cure for cancer or something. Or maybe Robert was getting sick of crazy fangirls pulling out his hair in chunks and then running away into the night. Yeah, probably the latter.

Here's the unicorn abandoner arriving at Heathrow Airport this morning.

These pictures of Xtina and Bat Boy Christmas shopping yesterday reminds me of a couple of things. First of all, don't ever get your haircut like this or you'll look like a rockabilly chola on the short bus. Also, Christmas is basically fucking here and I haven't bought shit! Eff the season of giving!

This past weekend I wasted so many hours trying to buy shit for people, but I suffer from this disease called extreme selfishness, so it's hard for me to purchase crap for others. I could have bought myself a ton of good shit, but I had to keep reminding myself about the task at hand. I basically gave up and decided to drink a few peppermintinis instead.

This is what's going to happen. Come Christmas day, my family will get a ton of gift bags (who wraps anymore?) with pictures of different items in them. I did that shit last year. For example: my sister will open a bag and pull out a picture of the Sex and the City box set with an attached note that says "It's coming!!!" One year I even made a fake coupon with the words "Valid for a $40 gift certificate to American Apparel" on it. My selfish lazy ass couldn't even go out and buy a stupid fucking gift certificate! I'm the worst of the worst.