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I'm sitting here sipping on some Asti like a real classy lady and catching up on all the shit I missed yesterday. I am so fucking glad I'm reading Courtney Love's latest crazy rant while riding on an Asti bubble, because it's so much more entertaining. Seriously, you would think I was watching a monkey washing a cat. This is some standing ovation shit!

Crack's finest customer spent her Christmas Eve morning going off on Kim Kardassian's brother, Rob. Court's full rant will make your eyes cross permanently if you're sober, so let me just sum it up for you. Basically, Court thinks Rob is a big gay hater, because he allegedly punched out her employee outside of Hyde in September and called him a fag. Here's a just small fix from Court's crazy party. Again, if you're sober, sip on some Listerine or rubbing alcohol before you read this shit:

Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my GUY was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, then right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" Rob JR punched my guys in the face. My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed, well lets fast forward shall we...the guy who works for me did not file a police report that night cause he did not need tmz's camera's outside this trendy nightclub to cause any more FUCKERY to what was suppose to be a birthday celebration, instead he came back to LAPD later and they told him to fold up his police report into a origami and hang it on his door.

If you're hanging out with that douche Brody Jenner, you deserve to get fisted in the face. And I loved that she called herself a "woman of power!" It's almost better than "businesswoman."

Court goes on to invite Rob to a night of dancing with homos, playing with make-up and ending with a little butt fuck fun with a plantain. Court is describing my New Year's evening to a fucking T. Well, except for the plantain part. I like my plantains fried, not mashed.

Kim, being the mega famewhore that she is, jumped right on this mess and responded to Court's shit on her own website. Kim wrote, "This is TOTALLY FALSE! A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad."

Kim needs to drink a full bottle of Asti and read that shit again, because I clapped at the end. I would love to watch Kim read Courtney's blog. You know her head almost popped off. Bitch probably couldn't complete the Dick and Jane books, because that shit was too complex for her, so Court's rant probably made her hair sweat.

I'm totally on Team Crazy, because if you get on her good side, she might let you pick something out of her "goody bag."

Who says you need two nuts to make a baby? Lance Armstrong is going to be a daddy for the fourth time. He told People that his girlfriend Anna Hansen is pregnant with their baby due in June. Lance put together this little statement and released it to the world: "We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts. We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family."

As you know, Lance is only operating with one ball friend due to testicular cancer, but apparently this baby was made the natural-way. The L.A. Times says this is rare.

Lance's other three kids were conceived through in vitro with frozen sperm pops Lance made before he started chemotherapy.

First of all, Jakey Poo is not smiling at this news. He wanted to be Lance's next baby mama. I bet he even has a crop-shirt that says "Lance Armstrong's Next Baby Mama." Second of all, if I was Lance, I'd have Maury on standby at the birth of his baby. Something in the jizz ain't clean about this shit. Lance may think he has the magic nut, but Anna's vagina could have been dancing with some other spermies.

FUCK! Not today! This really did ruin my Christmas. Eartha Kitt, legend and icon, passed away today in NYC at the age of 81. On Christmas Day! She was seriously the best Catwoman ever.

Her publicist told CNN that Eartha was receiving treatment for colon cancer at hospital in New York. Her daughter, Kitt Shapiro, was by her side at the time of her death.

Eartha is survived by her daughter and four grandchildren.

Rest in peace, Eartha... You will always be perfect! And since it's Christmas, here's Eartha singing my favorite Christmas song. Eartha sang the original and nobody will ever be able to top her. I got the sads in a major way now.

It wouldn't be a Lohan family holiday without a public bitchfest! After taking a small break from fighting through MySpace and the media, HoHan and her dumb fuck daddy are at it again. Yesterday, HoHan wrote about her half-sister during a MySpace rant. She basically confirmed that Ashley Kaufman is indeed her daddy's kid. Remember that shit? If not, click here to get caught up on that mess. And here's a little of the touching holiday message HoHan wrote yesterday:

i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run... that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like "debbie downer" or what? not trying to be...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
I love my mom, aliana, cody, michael, and my nana sullivan!! i will be missing them this christmas as it is the first one i am spending away from home. i am spending it with Samantha in Los Angeles.
yours truly,

She also wrote some shit about Brit Brit Spears being an amazing talent or something. That must be the fucking fresh "Christmas snow" talking. Or possibly the holly that somehow made its way into her bong. Wait. Can you smoke up holly or mistletoe? I should try that later. It might make this Christmas Day extra Christmas-ey.

Anyway, of course, Michael Lohan couldn't keep his caca mouth shut! He responded in an e-mail to People. He denied everything that HoHan wrote. He also accused SamRo of writing the whole post as HoHan. Yup. Blame the lesbian! Michael Lohan blames the poor little lesbian for fucking everything! He needs to get ass fucked by an angry dyke who majored in strap-on pounding. I know a few that would volunteer for the damn.

You know, the Lohans could solve this shit with just one half-episode of Maury. Seriously, if they weren't famous, they would already be on that show for some reason or another.

And I doubt White Oprah is going to release one of her epic statements. She's probably passed out with her face in the Christmas tree stand. Hopefully, Nana kicked her head to the side so she doesn't drown in the Christmas tree water. We won't hear from White Oprah until at least February. The bitch will be in a drunk coma until then. It's the holidays!

Here's HoHan with that evil lesbian buying presents yesterday.

Asshlee and Pete are so much better than Brangelina! They don't whore out their baby on the cover of magazines for some quick cash. Real talk: There weren't any buyers and that's the fucking truth. Papa Joe is crying in his favorite rubber bagina this morning because of this.

So Ass and Pete decided to post the first picture of Bronx Mowgli on Pete's website. BMw Baby is probably always sleeping, because would you want to face the reality that your parents are a pair of saggy vaginas? No, probably not. He wakes up, sees them and goes back to fucking bed.

And if Ass and Pete really wanted to give their baby a meaningful gift for Christmas, they would've given him the gift of a new damn name. He will never forgive him for this. But hey, at least he has a valid excuse for everything! When he gets into trouble, he can just say, "It's your fault. You named me Bronx Mowgli." Point taken and filed.

ROJO CALIENTE!!!! - Because all I want for Christmas is Rojo Caliente with a red fucking bow on her head and a power tool in her hand. Actually, scratch that bow. It might distract from the magical ginge bush growing on top of her head! Don't even think of the ginge bush growing down there. It's Christmas!

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