Archives

Since it's the season of giving, Beyonce probably "accidentally" left the basement door open a crack. Beyonce also sort of, kind of left out a Greyhound bus ticket to Miami on the breakfast nook with a coupon book to McDonald's. Beyonce has such a giving heart.

The most shocking part about all of this is that Basement Baby isn't wearing an outfit made of old Christmas ornaments, broke down car parts or shit found in the Michael's discount bin. She's actually wearing some normal shit. Wait. I shouldn't speak too soon. Her bikini could be made out of duct tape and car seat covers.

My mind completely blocked out the fact that we used to torn-up wear flared jeans in the fucking 90s. Thanks to that haggard bitch Katie Holmes, the awful memories came flooooding back like an evil butt wart breakout. Some things you would just like to forget, like flared jeans!

I bet this bitch is stealing shit from Tommy Girl's old box of clothes marked "The faaaabulous 90s," because I don't even know where she buys this fugness.

What the fuck is next? Spaghetti strap dresses over t-shirts? JAMS shorts? I should send Katie the hottest outfit my sister used to wear back in the day. She used to wear spandex leggings with polka dot chiffon flares at the bottom. She also had a matching crop top with flared-out chiffon sleeves. This was the 90s. Not the 70s. It was so hideous. Katie would totally wear that mess with a perfect robot smile on her face.

Here's Katie hurting my feelings with those jeans in NYC today. Suri probably ripped them off her legs, because later on she wore leggings. Still fug, but not as offensive as those flares.

It's been a long time since my eyes tried to jump out of their sockets from trying to read Kanye West's blog, so I decided to hold my eyeballs down and go on over. Yesterday, Kanye went off on Media Takeout for claiming he chants to get rid of ghosts and spirits. Kanye doesn't chant! It probably sounds like chanting, but Kanye was just screaming at those ghosts with SQUID BRAINS to get the fuck out of his house! You know those ghosts couldn't take it and they quit that bitch. Kanye should start his own business. GhostCAPPERS!

And Kanye is right, exclamation points are fun!!! They really are. They make everything sound extra extra extra exciting!!! See? It's not as exciting without the zillion of exclamation points. Let's try it with a really boring word: Aniston. Or Aniston!!!!! See, even Aniston is exciting with exclamation points.

This former hugely popular B list television star and now really in absolutely nothing happens to be married with child/ren. She has been in this space before. She has never had what one would describe as a quiet sex life despite what her image was when she was younger. Well at this point it is getting out of hand. Seems that she and her husband have always done swinging in a very exclusive club where anonymity is guaranteed. But now, she is branching out and with that branching she is losing some of her anonymity. In fact she is seriously looking for work because of a situation she got herself into about six months ago that involved several men at once. One of them threatened to expose it all and she has had to pay hush money since. She would turn the guy into the cops for extortion but feels the aftermath would be more than any attempt at a comeback could take. Meanwhile she needs to make money to keep paying out all the hush money. (CDAN)

The word "comeback" immediately made me think of my beloved Valerie Cherish as played by Lisa Kudrow. I don't want to picture Valerie Cherish getting gang banged, though. No, I don't want that.

Which TV actress has a new boyfriend with a temper? Her hipster beau is known for smacking around girls if they don’t put out. Luckily for him, she does. (Gatecrasher)

Hipsters are so violent! I have no clue, so I'll just guess Betty White. That seems like a good guess.

Which chart-topping star is hiding a Santa secret from his model girlfriend? He's already put her presents to him up for sale on eBay. (3am Girls)

John Legend? And he should just return them to Nordstrom. They take anything!

Celebrity 1 and Celebrity 2 hate each other for several reasons. But for right now Celebrity 1 really hates the fact that Celebrity 2 is grabbing the headlines. So Celebrity 1 will soon be announcing something that was supposed to be a secret for a while longer. Why the change in schedule? Simply because Celebrity 1 wants to push Celebrity 2 out of the media spotlight right after the New Year. Celebrity 1, who adopts an I’m-so-above-it-all attitude in public, is actually very competitive and very, very calculating in private. In fact, Celebrity 1 has struck a deal with a certain media source for an exclusive announcement involving a change in family structure. Very shrewd, and certain to grab magazine covers from Celebrity 2 throughout much of 2009. (Blind Gossip)

Blah. It has to be "you know who" and "you know poo." I'm guessing "you know who" is going to either give birth to another messiah or make the angels sing in unison by getting married.

Kirstie Alley could eat it faster - Bits & Pieces (via Boing Boing)

Lucifer must be freezing his ass off, because Pamela Anderson is wearing pants - Hollywood Tuna

More of Lily Allen sunning her little grapes - Egotastic!

Single Ladies meets Newsies - Towleroad

Kate Moss and a headless Gaston in a Just Cavalli ad - Just Jared

Beyonce's ego is totally going to sink the boat - Lainey Gossip

That was kind of Joel Madden to keep his top on. He's thinking of us - Popsugar

Beyonce hates parties - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity tokers of the year - Cityrag

This video still needs more ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Vadge should use some of that cash to buy a damn meal - I'm Not Obsessed

Big shock. Guess who's the most exposed whores of '08? - Celebitchy

Michael Lohan needs to take his own advice - Socialite Life

STFU ScarJo - ICYDK

A few weeks ago there was a blind item about some TV bitch getting fired but not knowing it yet. Well, it seems like that the bitch in question is Balthazar Getty. The Ausiello Files has it on good authority that the producers have quit Balthazar. Last week, they told him that they weren't going to renew his contract as a full-time ho, but they are in talks to keep him on as a recurring character. This means there's really no plans to put his ass six feet under.

A few sources told Ausiello that Balthazar getting demoted has nothing to do with the rumors that he's been acting like a fucktard on set. They said it was all about budget issues. They feel that Balthazar's character really isn't that important, so he was the one that earned a ticket to the glue factory.

Yet another reason for Sienna Miller to dump this bastard forever. The dick is stale. The bitch is still married. And he doesn't have a full-time gig anymore. Sienna is a mega slut who deserves better peen. A peen that can at least buy her a Happy Meal after fucky times. I know it's wrong, but eating a Happy Meal after sex is really enjoyable.

UPDATE: Before you start to read this shit, a rep for Blue Man Group told TMZ that the dude in this story is lying and he's not a member of their group of blue men who throw toilet paper rolls at audience members. The police in Chicago said that dumb dumbs lie on their arrest reports all the time and they haven't done a background check on the possibly faux Blue Man yet. Maybe he meant Blew Man? That would make more sense. It's still fucking hilarious because who pretends to be a Blue Man? The dude's real name is probably Tobias Funke. And now here's the original story:

File this under: This shit was made for puns. PUNS!!!

Two dudes were busted by the cops in Chicago last night for trying to bust nuts in a public park. One of the men is an actor in Blue Man Group. His name is Darren Stephens. Samantha, come get this bitch! Endora does not approve.

The other dude's name is Michael Pressler and he's an assistant principal at Maine East High School. Wiki says the high school's color is blue and their mascot is the Blue Demon. Don't you love it when these things write themselves?

According to the Daily Herald, the Blow Blue Man was caught blowing the assistant principal on a park bench at a lakefront park on Chicago's North Side at around 5:45pm. They were arrested and charged with getting sexay while on Chicago Park property.

Get ready to hit the gong..... Obviously, both dudes were left with a serious case of "blue" balls. GONG!

Seriously, who the fuck sucks dick at 5:45pm on a park bench? Don't look at me! Don't! If you need to get dirty at 5:45 in the evening, take your act to a bush, a public bathroom or even a sewer tunnel (don't judge). Bench sucking is only for after midnight. Dumb blue motherfucker!

And it's a shame that Darren Stephens wasn't arrested in his Blue Man makeup. That mug shot would rival all fucking mug shots.

It's wrong of me to judge something when I haven't listened to the entire thing, but I couldn't make it past the 1:04 mark of John Mayer's cover of Mimi's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." First of all, Christmas songs have been fucking me in the ass without Crisco since November. Second of all, John Mayer sounds constipated. The visual of him pushing out a butt nugget while singing a Christmas tune was too much for me to deal with, so I quit that bitch after a minute.

Besides, I don't need to listen to the whole thing to know that John is doing it all wrong. Dear John, get yourself a hot cup of douche water, sit back and watch this hot bitch below. This beautiful songbird will show you the proper way to cover a Mimi Xmas song:

Over in Bucharest on Sunday, a new world record for the fattest cake was set. An official ho from the Guinness Book of World Records was on hand to weigh the cake and officially declare it the fattest cake in the world at 619 pounds. Twenty seconds later, Aretha Franklin magically floated in on her hot air balloon chichis and BOOM! The world's heaviest cake suddenly disappeared. No, the cake was served to the people of Bucharest.

If you're going to bake the fattest cake in the world, make that shit delicious looking. That shit is sad looking. I don't even see any colored sugar flowers on that cake. Usually when I see a cake, I want to dive in, get dirty with it and swallow all it has to offer. But not with this cake. That shit looks like the Styrofoam cake they gave us on our birthday in kindergarten. Those dumb ass teachers would stick some candles in a fake cake and sing Happy Birthday to us. There was never a smile in the room, because we all knew we were being bamboozled. I mean, fake cake?! Illegal and hurtful. Those teachers should be in prison for their acts of unkindness.

The city of Bucharest also recently beat the world record for the looooongest sausage. The previous record was set by Peter North. Twenty seconds after it was declared the longest sausage, Parasite Hilton magically floated in on her hot air balloon pussy lips and BOOM! The world's longest sausage suddenly disappeared.

And yes, when I first saw the title "The World's Heaviest Sausage," my no-no immediately started barking like a yappy Pomeranian. I'm glad you asked. Clip below (of the sausage, not of my no-no barking):

Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics is getting into the fuck toy business. Dave worked with the Jimmyjane company to create a $1,400 pussy throbber with a satin finish and a band of 28 diamonds around it. The vibrator also has a guitar pick attached to it with the lyrics from his song "Let's Do It Again" written on it. When you drop 1400 clams on this shit, you can also download the song for free.

The Sun says Dave is also putting out a cheaper vibrator with the same company for $140.

I know diamonds are a girl's best friend, but I doubt your vag cares about that shit. For $1,400 Dave's vag rod better do a lot more than just rub your lady business with some stupid ass diamonds. That shit better tickle your ass lips at the same time and talk dirty to you. Afterwards, it better get you a warm towel, light candles, spoon you, whisper sweet nothings into your ear and brush your hair as you fall into a deep slumber. When you wake up, that vibrator better have a 5-course breakfast waiting for you along with a perfectly warm bubble bath and Annie Lennox herself serenading your ass while you bathe. That's what that shit should do for $1,400.