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The Lonely Island (Andy Samberg , Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone) debuted their first single "Jizz In My Pants" on SNL last night and this shit sounds like it could easily be played at any Long Island club without so much as a bitch flinching. I can already see every dude on Hot Chicks with Douchebags seriously bumping and pursing his lips to this. And not in a ironic way either.

While watching it, a few thoughts ran through my hungover head:

1) WTF is Simon Rex doing on SNL?!
2) Oh. That's just Andy Samberg channeling his inner Simon Rex.
3) I really need to brush up on Simon Rex's jack-off porn.
4) I wonder if Samberg's jizz is chunky or smooth?
5) You can say "jizz" on TV? REJOICE!
6) Justin Timberlake should really quit making music and become a full-time janitor. That shit is his calling.
7) Does my jizz face really look like I'm getting tasered while having a seizure? Must check in mirror next time.
8) No, seriously. Is that Simon Rex?!
9) I want to give birth to Andy Samberg's babies and document their lives on a live feed. Samberg Baby Cam!

And I just know I'm going to get an army of side-eyes when I'm singing this song in line at the grocery store today.

While not-dressing for an Art Basel event in Miami last night, Pamela Anderson must have figured that she shouldn't even bother with pants. I mean, she usually has them off by the end of the night anyway, so why not just cut to the chase? She might have the right idea.

Pants really do just get in the way. Whenever you want a quick ass-to-mouth in the back alley way, you always have to worry about zipping down your pants and getting them off. Kills the mood. If you didn't have them on, you could just pull your chonies to the side and there you go! It's also easier to get finger banged through dinner without nosy bitches figuring out what's going on down there. There's many pluses to not wearing pants. Pammy might be a genius.

In all seriousness, I think her hungry, hungry coochie pet ate her pants in the car. Real talk.

Here's Pammy looking like a beat down lot lizard who just crawled out of the gutter last night. And I curse the photographer who took the first picture below. I can see the fields of Colombia when I look up her nose.

Sounds more like Jodie Sweetin and Cody Herpin (Herpes, if you're nasty) were in heat instead of love. As you know, America's favorite former meth-head (sorry Fergie), Stephanie Judith Tanner, dumped her bitch of 16 months back in November. Lucky for us, new dirt has come out about this shot gun mess of a marriage.

According to People and court papers, Jodie claims "Our house is in foreclosure, our water has been shut off twice. Currently, all of our other utilities are overdue."

Bob Saget, do something! Basically, I'm thinking that one of these bitches done smoked up their mortgage payment! They should also look on the bright side! It doesn't look like they bathe that regularly, so they could go on living without water for a while. And if they ever need to wash off the flea poo, they can use a hose outside any government building. That's what we do!

Stephanie claims that after they got hitched, Herpes quit his job and basically refused to get another one. Sweet & Herpes lived off her Full House residuals and money from her parents.

The joke is on Herpes! He probably thought he won the damn lottery when he married Stephen Tanner. Kind of backfired on him though, he sadly found out there wasn't much gold to dig. They quickly turned into some broke ass bitches who couldn't pay their bills. Maybe he should have started boning one of the Olsen trolls instead. Hell, even DJ's Pillow Person would've been a better choice!

Herpes defended himself by saying he was a stay-at-home-dad. Of course, this bitch was staying at home with the kids. He had no damn job to go to! This shit sounds familiar, did he pick up a copy of Professor K-Feds book, "Mac-anomics 101: 13 Ways To Gold Dig Yo' Bitch"?

They are both filing for custody of their daughter Zoie and a hearing in the case has been scheduled for February 9th.

Mr. Bear better be there to support his best homegirl!

Image: WENN/Fayes Vision

The Shiba Inu 6!!- Today is the day I've been dreading for my entire life. I'm wearing my mourning black and veil for this occasion. It was announced that three of the puppies (Ando, Autumn and Akoni) will be leaving us today for their new lives!!! That leaves just Ayumi (my personal favorite), Amaya and Aki. But they will probably be skipping out of hearts soon as well.

I think the Shiba 6 knew it was their final night together yesterday. They were partying like Wino & Blaaaake. Oh how I will miss them almost murdering each other and sucking on each other's no-nos. Is there even a reason to get up anymore? Is there even a reason for the Internet to exist anymore?

And thanks to all of you who sent me the new Shiba Inu puppy cam, but it's best that I don't get involved with them. When you allow yourself to fall in love with something, it will only be taken from you and your heart will break into thousands of charcoal pieces, so what's the point? This is why most of us our cold-hearted bitter bitches. It's easier that way.

Farewell, Ando, Autumn and Akoni! May your new lives be filled with massive amounts of butt sniffing, plushie toy humping, grossy kisses and cuddling. The cuddling!

Well, it's time to hit the bottle.

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