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Jonathan Rhys Meyers usually has eyes like a marmoset after a 12-day coke bing, but he definitely kept them under control last night. It looks like he took lessons from Tyra Banks in the art of holding a half blink. This is probably a major struggle for JRM, because I doubt the bitch ever blinks. Like ever. Years of drugs use could do that to a person.

That lady stache isn't doing a damn thing for him. That's as far as it grows! He totally rubbed Rogaine on his face hoping that shit would grow thicker. Sorry kitten, that's all.

Here's JRM with his girlfriend and one of his co-stars at the premiere of at the premiere of "The Tudors - Season 2" in NYC. I tried to get into The Tudors, but it's like porn without the fucking porn. It's so frustrating. I patiently wait for them to rip off their clothes and get into hardcore action, but it never happens. And I'm sorry, but softcore porn does not count as porn.

Oh and Peter O'Toole was at the premiere last night. He's really hot and he's totally undressing me with his eyes. I mean, he's undressing me completely including my skin. Those eyes are fucking wide.

Oprah now has two beautiful new lawsuits on her desk for two different things.

The first! Oprah is being sued by a woman who claimed the reality show "Oprah's Big Give" was her idea. Darlene Tracy pitched the idea for a show called "The Philanthropist" to Harpo Productions in 2005. Darlene's show wanted to challenge contestants to help the needy. This is exactly the same premise as Oprah's new reality baby. In 2006, Darlene tried to get the show from hitting the air, but a judge shot her down. Darlene has now hired a lawyer and filed an appeal. Harpo productions told the NYDN, "We agree with the judge that [Tracy's] claims against Harpo Productions, Inc. are without merit. We are confident that the Court of Appeals will agree that Tracy has no claim."

Darlene has a better shot at giving birth to Angelina Jolie's next adopted child then winning a lawsuit against Oprah Winfrey. That's like if I sued Jesus! Darlene better lock her doors at night, sleep with one eye open and keep a Gayle King photo near her bed. You don't eff around with Ope.

Now for the second lawsuit! Orit Greenberg is suing Harpo after she claims crazed Oprah audience members caused her to fall down the stairs. Orit said she went to a taping of the Oprah show in 2006. She was kept in a holding area with the other audience members. A staff member then instructed them to enter the studio and sit wherever they wanted. That's when all hell broke loose and people started charging the studio like...well...like they were at an Oprah show. Orit was knocked over and fell down some stairs. She blames the Harpo staff for not controlling the crowd. She wants $50,000 in medical expenses and for other shit.

Orit won't see a penny of Oprah's money. Like I said before, she's fucking Oprah! She doesn't stand a chance!

Amy Wino had fresh scratches all over her arms as she visited Blaaaake in the clink today. More scratches! She's going to blame it on that pussy of hers. That pussy is always scratching. Seriously, that pussy must be the biggest bitch ever. It's not normal unless Wino is making her pussy do things that no pussy should be forced to do. Give that pussy some cat nip! It's not right.

I don't even know what to say about Wino anymore. When she visited Blaaake today, they should have locked the door behind her and threw away the key. She would have a hard time cutting herself in the clink, because most of their utensils are plastic.

CBS has released two more clips of Britney Spears on this Monday's "How I Met Your Mother." If you piece together all the clips they have already released you can probably watch the whole episode. Brit Brit's comedic timing sucks, but I'm impressed that she actually memorized lines. Ok, her lines were probably written down on the desk below, but still. Ok, they most likely fed her lines off camera, but that still requires a little bit of memorization skills.

She looks clean and that's all that matters. She still shouldn't quit her day job of mall browsing and Frapp buying.

Miley Cyrus got her own wax figure at Madam Tussauds in NYC today. She's really made it! It looks just like her. I wonder where they got the jumbo chiclets from. Well, the girl's got big big ass teefs! It's a blessing. She can probably eat a whole row of corn in one swoop. Only the heavens above will give you that kind of gift.

Little children that worship Miley Cyrus scare me. I know a few of them. They throw me the evil side eye the minute I start to say anything negative about her. I usually don't say another word. I've seen the Twilight Zone and I'm not about to be wished into the cornfield.

The Blemish has discovered the video from where the supposed grainy picture of Lindsay Lohan sucking dick came from. It's not Lindsay Lohan on the video or in the picture. Fakery!

The shitty picture has been making the rounds with the rumor that Calum Best used his cell phone to record Linds giving his dick a tongue bath. The video from where the pic came from was added to XTube 2 months ago and there's a couple of other clips to go with it. The girl on the clip still sort of look like her, but I guess all bleach blonde sluts look the same when they are sucking dick.

Let this be a warning Linds! Check for cameras the next time you're sucking dick (she's probably doing it right now). It could happen to you.

Click here to see the video, but it's extremely NSFW. Click on the two additional clips below it to for a clearer shot of Not-Lindsay's face. My brain is on fire trying to figure out what the hell he's watching on TV. I care more about that.

The ads on XTube make me nauseous. I really don't want to see cum coming out of an asshole at 4 in the afternoon. Shhh! I know what you were going to say! Shush it!

Why must the Simpson women insist on making their lips look like inflamed anal glands? I'm guessing Papa Joe makes them do it. He's always struck me as an asshole kind of man.

Here's Asshole lunching with friends yesterday and by "lunching" I mean she had a piece of bread and a lemon water.

Steve-O has left the looney bin and is now in rehab seeking treatment. He has taken to his MySpace to write a long ass blog about how he got into booze and drugs. They have computers in rehab? They didn't have computers on "Celebrity Rehab!" This must be the special kind of rehab where you can check your e-mail and do drugs in the bathroom. Steve-O's post is longer than Paris Hilton's hook nose, but here's some of it:

"I know I was always powerless over alcoholism, because it had such a grip on Mom's adulthood and my childhood, and I never chose to fight it."

"We were frequently on airplanes and, before Mom and Dad would find themselves in the embarrassing position of being caught by other passengers with a crying baby, I was fed alcohol. Obviously I don’t have recollections from the time when I was a baby, so this account is pieced together from vague memories of being told stories that are
similar or exactly the same. Mom’s alcoholism truly reared its ugly head when I was eight and nine years old, it was in 1983 that she lied to the family about having lymph node cancer so that she would have an explanation for staying in bed drunk at all hours."

"I can’t believe I just called out my own dead Mom for what’s surely the worst
lie she ever told. I also can’t believe I ever picked up my first drink on my own after the way alcohol ruined her life. God, I miss my Mom."

"All you fucking things are good for is dying. I’m not ready to die. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to breathe (properly, even). I’m ready to fall in love. I’m ready
to become ready to start a family. I’m ready to be happy, fulfilled and meaningful. Maybe I’ll see you fukkers if and/or when I’m ready to die."

Rehab really does bring out the deep shit in you. Here I thought rehab was just a place to meet hot dudes and have sex in the storage room. It sounds like he's working the steps by writing on MySpace. How fucking...douchey? Hopefully, he will get well, get married, get the 3-bedroom house with the white picket fence and completely disappear. My only advice to Steve-O is to move out of Hollywood.

Giving booze to babies is ok as long as it's top shelf bourbon with a little leche. Joooooooking. My uncle used to give him Tecate all the time when I was a child. That explains a lot.

Beyonce & Mama Knowles need to stay away from the children - Crunk + Disorderly

Kendra Wilkinson is trying to start her own wardrobe malfunction - Hollywood Tuna

This is what Naomi Watts gets to bang - Just Jared

Tara Reid is drunk in an airport (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ryan Phillipe's new arm tattoo - Popsugar

Kate Beckinsale isn't wearing any underwear - Egotastic!

Pamela Anderson's slut break - Hollywood Rag

The world of Uncle Dirty - Cityrag

Johnny Depp is John Dillinger - IDLYITW

This is what Rihanna gets to bang - A Socialite's Life

I should have told you this yesterday, but there's still time for you to make a TJ Maxx run. Today has been declared "Sweater Day" to celebrate what would have been Mr. Rogers' 80th Birthday.

Mc. McFeely has asked that everyone wear a sweater today! He said, "We’re asking everyone everywhere — from Pittsburgh to Paris — to wear their favorite sweater on that day. It doesn’t have to have a zipper down the front like the one Mister Rogers wore on the program, it just has to be special to you."

Go ahead, put on a sweater. Do it for Daniel Tiger!