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Star Magazine claims Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt made it official in New Orleans today. I just hope Maddox officiated the ceremony.

Somewhere in the world, Jennifer Aniston is devouring a whole gallon of Breyers.

OK! Magazine reports that Brad's spokswhore has "no idea" if the got married or not. That helps. It was probably a play wedding the kids were staging the backyard.

Brad Pitt is a liar mouth if they did get married, because he said they wouldn't get married until everyone in the United States could. Last time I checked, I wasn't able to get married. Trust me, I've tried a few times.

UPDATE: A source told People there wasn't a wedding. They claim Angie and Brad aren't even in New Orleans, but are still in Texas where he's filming a movie. Who to believe? Who to believe? Hold up while I call my homey Maddox to set the story straight. The line was busy. He must have been talking to that psychic friends network crap again. He's all into that shit.

Vivica Fox, Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan take note. This could be you if times get tough.

Meet the youthful Lisa Ann Martini of Sparks, NV. The 49-year-old was arrested on Wednesday after she allegedly ran out on paying for her botox injections.

Lisa Ann is no stranger to the inject and run. Police say they are aware of two other instances where she skipped out without paying a total of $3,500. She's also not alone. Police are looking for another "Botox Bandit" in the area. Lisa is currently sitting in jail, because the bitch couldn't pay her $15,000 bail. DUH! If she had $15,000, it would be in her face.

Reno Sgt. Jeff Freelove said that Lisa Ann would give the offices a bunk ass credit card when it came time to pay. When the card wouldn't go through, she told them she had to go out to her car to get some money. And you know the rest.....

Lisa Ann Martini and Sgt. Freelove?! These two need to get on the same team and join a 70s folks revival brand. Their names are begging them to do it.

Lisa Ann looks like the broken condom love child of Heidi Fleiss and Mickey Rourke. She definitely needed those botox injections, so I'm not going to hate on her for doing whatever it takes. A fug's gotta do what a fug's gotta do.

I would love to see this hot bitch getting into her 1982 Datsun 280ZX and laughing about how she just fooled their asses. Well, she probably couldn't "laugh" about it, because her face was fucking frozen. She gently smiled about it.

Who knew that botox was like crack?! Pretty soon, all these suburban woman will be frequenting back alleys jonseing for their next botox fix. They will gather in botox houses where they will lay around injecting each other while watching Dr. 90210.

Thanks Gina Latina

Cleavage and a pearl necklace! What a dirty, dirty slut! The Daily Mail ran this little diddy about Lauren Bacall showing off a little bit of her 83-year-old tatas. They seem to think this is a fashion blunder. How? The bitch has boobs and she's not afraid to show them. This woman could go around naked with nothing but a labia ring and Crocs and I would still love her. Yes, even if she wore Crocs. That's true love.

Actually, I don't think I'd want to see her lady biscuit. When I was little, I once glanced at my abuelita getting dressed. It was like staring at the Grand Canyon. You know it's real, but it doesn't look real. You throw a coin in and you don't hear a sound. Oh shit! I can't believe I'm going there with my abuelita's vagina business. I need to punish myself with two hours of "Father Dowling Mysteries" and a cold clam soup dinner.

Here's that hot GILF Lauren at the Broadway premiere of "Gypsy" the other night. Since we're on the topic of hotness, I threw in a little Chris Burke. He was there supporting his former "Life Goes On" co-star, Patti Lupone. Obla-dee obla-da!

Nobody had the heart to tell Mickey Rourke he was trying to put the ciggie out on the wrong end. Seriously, Mickey could put a ciggie out on his face and not even feel it. His skin is made from non-biodegradable materials. Nothing is happening to that mask. Mankind will end, but Mickey's face will stay on forever!

Mickey stopped into the Waverly Inn in NYC last night. I'm sure he ate a lot, but everybody around him probably lost their appetite.

And since I left a crusty taste in your mouth with Mickey, let me give you a little Clive Owen to cleanse your palette.

These pictures were tagged "Nicole Richie and Harlow Winter" by the photo agency and I seriously thought that baby in the blue was Sad Clown Baby. I was thinking, "Damn, Nicole's Sad Clown Baby weighs more than she does and she's suddenly white!" Give me a break, it's Saturday and I've only eaten a corn dog. Eff off. Anyway, if you peer through that little whole and squint your eyes, you can sort of see....shit...you can't see a damn thing.

Nicole Richie joined Tobey Maguire's woman and their baby for a playdate yesterday. When I say "playdate" I mean the grown-ups watched R-rated movies and get drunk while the nanies watch the kids spit up on each other.

Nicole was wearing those Arthur the Aardvark sunglasses that every celebrity natch is trying to work. When will they realize that those things only belong on talking cartoon animals. I guess Nicole sort of counts.

TMZ claims that Matt Grant from "The Bachelor" might not be on the show to find love. Shocking! This is the first time in Bachelor history that someone on the show has ulterior motives.

It seems that Matt recently met a chick at a bar who works for TMZ. They have been keeping in touch and he told her that he wanted to move to the United States. Matt's lawyer advised him that the easiest way to do this would be to marry an American. I could have told him that for the price of a G&T. I also would have lent him my copy of "Green Card."

TMZ thinks that if marries on the chicks on the show, he's marrying them to stay in the country.

I don't watch the show to see the blossoming romance between the bachelor and the girls. I watch it to see the girls fight, get drunk and act like sluts. I could care less what he's doing it for as long as he keeps the sluts and drunks on the show.

He's already disappointed me by getting rid of Stacey. If he was only on the show for marriage then he should have kept that insane bitch. She would be crazy enough to marry him after only a few dates. Stacey's also on the road to finding "a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." If that isn't wifey material, I don't know what is.

40-year-old Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio was arrested for fucking his picnic table. The dude was doing sexy times with a damn picnic table! Remember the man who was arrested for fucking a bicycle? I understand that, because bicycles can be sexy. There's nothing sexy about a picnic table.

Art was seen by neighbors on 4 different occasions fucking his picnic table, always between 10:30 a.m. and noon. Mid-morning delight! One neighbor even videotaped it and turned the tape over to police. The Bellevue police caption said, "The first video we had, he was completely nude." That must have been an exciting day down at the police station. They all gathered around, passed the donuts and laughed their fat asses off.

Police think he was fucking the umbrella hole in the table. I hope that for Art's sake the table was made out of plastic and not wood. Splinter dick can't be pleasant.

I will never look at a picnic table the same way again. I always thought they were so innocent and only their to provide wholesome fun. But now I know what brazen hussies they really are.

Source

Thanks Ash

Audrina Partridge from "The Hills" hosted an evening with The Pussycat Dolls last night at Pure in Las Vegas. We get it Audrina! You're a ho to be reckoned with. We've already seen the bitch naked, there's no nude (typo, but I'm keeping it) to keep parading around like a slut. She's a ho fo sho and we get it.

Audrina is pretty frustrating to look at, because the bitch's eyes are always looking at the ceiling. I just want to take her head and shake it until her eyeballs drop. And if they drop, I might win a prize!

Here's more pics of Audrina looking like Droopy Dog in lingerie last night. Yes, that's Shane West with her. A life of hard partying is written all over his mug.

She cares about the public, because she's wearing a one-piece! Now if she would only wear a full bodysuit with face mask! I joke, I joke. Janice Dickinson actually doesn't look bad for a 60-year-old muppet. However, she's not respecting the sea life by going into the water. They don't deserve that. Sharks probably swim away from her scary ass face. She's the perfect shark repellent.

She's also a brave muppet for laying in the sun. All that sun could melt her plastic. I'm sure she looks like a shrinky dinky after a couple of hours in the heat.

Here's Janice being Janice in Hawaii yesterday.

I'm going through Jamie Lynn's registry and thinking what to get her. It's between the $800 stroller and the $300 car seat. SERIOUSLY! Teens these days are so spoiled! One day they want the newest pair of sneakers, then they want an iPhone, and then they want an expensive ass stroller for their unborn baby. So selfish!

JL registered at Babies "R" Us the other day in Baton Rouge. Can't she buy that shit herself? Bitch is rich.

Registries are so weird. Why the hell did she register for batteries? That's probably what Brit Brit is going to get her.

The one thing she really needs is not even on her registry....A CLUE. I'm joking. She will make a wonderful mother. I couldn't even type that without laughing. Terrible.

Here's some video from E! of JL walking around parking lots. It's fascinating shit.

Oh and Jamie Lynn, I totally SUPPRT you.