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MiserAlba took time out from her busy schedule of frowning, yelling at the walls and writing a letter to Cash Warren on the "100 reasons why she hates him" to deliver pressies to some knocked up under age girls. You know it was just a bunch of ugly shit from her baby shower. It's the thought that counts. MiserAlba really does have a giving hea....hear....hea.... I can't type it. It would be a lie.

Here's more pics of Alba at Thomas Riley High School in Los Angeles today. The girls in the first thumbnail below are amazingly gorgeous and chic. Ladies, this is what you should all aspire to look like. Even Alba knows she can't compete with their beauty. Bitch recognizes.

Sean Combs aka Diddy aka Puff Daddy aka Whateverthefuckhisnameis received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today for his achievements in maintaining the sexy and white suit-wearing. The dude does know how to wear a white suit. I'm disappointed that Diddy didn't have the streets shut down. Shit, the city shut down. Hell, the whole state of California shut down.

Diddy was joined by Kim Porter, his mama, her sad wig, Jamie Foxx and his twinsies. After the ceremony, I hope Kim took Mama Combs wig shopping down Hollywood Blvd. That thing looks like it was soaked in lard water and then left to dry on the pavement.

I am so fucking disappointed. Oprah is getting a letter from me! Today, the first part of Oprah's interview with Tommy Girl aired. First of all, Tommy Girl was so cool and calm the whole time. He must have had a good 3-hour session with his Xenu dildo, because he kept the crazy to a minimum. They talked about everything from Nicole Kidman to Scientology to Brooke Shields to Suri to KATE Holmes. Yeah, Oprah and Tommy kept calling her Kate. That's her Alien Robot name.

UsWeekly has a bunch of quotes from the interview, but I learned nothing new. He answered everything correctly and made sure to not unleash the insanity completely. Oprah could have at least thrown him a curve ball and asked him how big John Travolta's asshole stretched? Something!

AND Suri wasn't even there!!! ILLEGAL!

The clip above is the first few minutes of the episode where Oprah arrives at Tommy Girl's Telluride, CO estate. He is greeted by Tommy and Robot Kate. Katie only sticks around a little bit, but makes sure to say "I love you" like 3 times. There was a glitch in her programming. She was only supposed to say it once.

A chill went up my ass crack when Tommy showed Oprah Suri's "little office" underneath the stairs. The things that go on in there........ Hold me...I'm scared...

Seriously, Oprah better bring out the crazy from Tommy on Monday.

Judy Landers' gorgeous daughters, Kristy and Lindsey, are the epitome of glamour, but they really need to stop wearing cheap Cinderella wigs. I'm pretty intrigued about what's hiding underneath that $3 lump of polyester. I'm guessing their real hair is made of pure gold and it's too fragile to deal with the outside elements. That makes sense, because they did come from Judy's vagina and that shit is made out of diamonds and gold.

And where the hell is their reality show already? My Tivo has been asking me about this mess. Actually, my Tivo has been begging me to stop infecting him with more reality shows starring a bunch of dumb whores. Oh well! Sucks to be him.

Here's Judy and her stunning daughters working Robertson Blvd. yesterday.

....this is the orientation video they show you before entering.

Mimi and Nick Cannon got a marriage license on the Caribbean island of Eleuthera. I like to call it Urethra, because that's what Mimi is thinking with. The woman needs to get her vagina out of her brains and annul this foolio before it's too late!

People reports:

According to marriage requirements for the Bahamas, a couple must be in the country for at least 48 hours, be over the age of 16 and have obtained a valid marriage license within 90 days, explains Monique Gomez, a Bahamian attorney in Nassau who specializes in family law.

The source says that Carey did obtain a license in Eleuthera within that time period. And clarifies Gomez, "The minister would make sure [the license] goes into the registry. It's still a valid marriage even if it's not filed. Anywhere in the world."

They apparently got married at her private estate in an island off Urethra.

The woman is not in her right mind. Dickmatization is a real and dangerous disease. That man is going to take her lingerie closet, her rhinestone butterfly collection and her dignity! I thought I would throw in that last one just for laughts.

The paps gave Lily Allen a cake last night for her 23rd Birthday. Lily thanked the paps by throwing it back at them. When people waste cake, I cry. Lily Allen of all people should not waste cake. She looks like she could swallow that shit whole. Tin container and all. Actually, that really doesn't look like cake. It looks more like cinnamon rolls without the delicious frosting. I'd eat it anyway.

I've changed my mind about her blonde hair. It looks like someone puked all over her head. She looks exactly like the crazy lady at my laundromat that is always bitching about how expensive bleach is. BLEACH!

Lindsay Lohan is not happy about this ad which ran in USA Today from the American Beverage Institute. The ad warns us against evil doers that want Ignition interlocks (a breathalyzer) installed in every car in America.

They should have used Richie Sambora's mug shot. It's a little more timely. Anyway, TMZ reports that Linds' lawyers are already on it and trying to figure if the ad violates copyright laws.

Linds' main lawyer, Blair Blerk, issued this statement:

"USA TODAY is idiotic for running such an irresponsible advertisement, suggesting that drinking and driving is some kind of American "tradition" we should protect. Not identifying that this ad was paid for by the liquor industry is profoundly reckless.

Drunk, old, white businessmen, drunk cougars out for girls night out, and drunk wedding parties should be kept off the roads of America. Lindsay Lohan fully endorses ignition interlock devices that have been well-proven to save lives."

How dare Blair! I see drunk, old, white gays, drunk call girls looking for their next john and two drunk lovers.

Lindsay should sue. The booze industry has a lot of cash and she needs some......for more boozing!!

Also, Gawker points out that they spelled her name wrong in the ad. Those drunk sluts!

Source VIA Gawker

Jamie Lynn's baby shower is tomorrow and Brit Brit will be there! That's if she doesn't hijack the plane and force the pilot to take her to the Starbucks Headquarters in Seattle. I haven't the see the girl without a Frapp in ages. You know her veins are starting to pop from not being fed the right stuff.

An insider told Life & Style that Jamie Lynn's baby shower will be held at Lynn's house. Daddy Spears gave the OK for Brit to attend. The insider added, “At first, Jamie [Brit’s dad and also her guardian these days] didn’t think it was a good idea for Brit to go. He thought it might create chaos in Kentwood, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to put Jamie Lynn — or Britney — in the middle of that. Britney can’t travel without Jamie’s permission, so she worked really hard to talk him into it; it was so important for her to be there for her little sister. He finally gave in, knowing it’d be good for Brit and Jamie Lynn to finally see each other.”

I smell something fishy and it's not Brit's panty pudding. She's going to sabotage Jamie Lynn's special day!

Brit's going to show up wearing a fake pregnancy bump. She's going to tell everyone how "awesome and cool" it was for them to attend her shower. Then she's going to devour all the chocolate from the diapers that were set aside for the poopy game.

Barbara Jean better get that shit on video and upload it to YouTube! I don't know who Barbara Jean is, but I'm sure they have a cousin or two with that name.

Here's some pictures of Jamie Lynn with a huge bump holding a puppy yesterday. You know puppy is rolling its eyes.

This was the look on Chloe Lattanzi's face after Larry Rudolph chose Brit Brit's "Toxic" as her next song to perform on "Rock the Cradle". Awww...Chloe. Don't pout. Seriously, don't pout, because something might leak out of your lips.

Chloe said that doing a Britney Spears song made her feel sick. Now she knows how I feel after watching her perform! Sick in a good way. Chloe makes me vomit with a smile. Anyway, Chloe's overall performance of "Toxic" was pretty........boooring. Larry Rudolph fucked her up! Gone was the Chloe I've come to know and love. The Chloe that looks like she's just crawled out of the depths of hell.

Chloe was joined on stage by some tied up dude. I'm pretty sure that's what she does to her dates anyway. After she ties them up, she sings in front of them. Talk about ultimate torture.

Below is a clip of Chloe performing "Toxic." At the beginning of the clip, Chloe bonds with her daddy in his teepee. The teepee he lives in. You know they do some crazy voodoo shit in there.

Click here to vote for Chloe! SHE MUST WIN! Next week is the finals and if Chloe doesn't win she'll hunt you down and bite your throat out. Vote for her crazy ass!