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Tom Cruise's official site has launched and it's not what I would expect from a Tommy Girl website. There's no aliens, no leather, no anal beads and no shirtless pictures of David Beckham. Booooring! The site celebrates Tommy's 25 years in HO business. The site features a biography, movie trailer, crap, crap and more crap.

I have a few helpful tips for you upon visiting the site. Turn off the music RIGHT AWAY! You don't know what kind of subliminal messages are hidden in there. Also, do not register! Nothing good can come out of registering on his site. If you register, your life will end. I"ll put it that way. Lastly, do not look directly at Tommy Girl's picture. I started to and it gave me a slight craving for barley. Don't do it!

I need a fucking drink. Sorry for all the site drama today. I know it was wonky as hell. The comments were off for a long ass time, but they are open to registered users only at this time. Things will be fixed soon and you may continue to experience issues. Sorry whores.

I owe you a Slurpee

xoxoMichael K

No, Bai Ling's boyfriend is not giving her a little knuckle lovin' right there on the beach. Bai Ling is making death face! We almost lost our beloved Bai Ling when a wave knocked her out. Okay, she didn't almost die. She just got a little water in the brains. A little water in there will do Bai some good.

Bai was at the beach kayaking with Pink. No, "kayaking" is not code word for some kind of lesbionic act. The two were really kayaking. Bai Ling and Pink as friends is strange. What do they talk about? Naw, they don't talk. They eat and kayak. And yes that's code for something lesbionic.

Dennis Rodman has done the unthinkable! He has checked himself into rehab just days after he was arrested for allegedly beating down his girlfriend. I know, it's pretty shocking. It was either check into rehab or go on Dr. Phil and open up about your "past demons" and how you want to change your evil ways. Yeah, I'd rather check into rehab too. Lots of sex, drugs and donuts.

Dennis' manager told People, "Yes, Dennis checked into an outpatient rehab center in Fort Lauderdale today. His life has not been going smoothly for the last few months since his divorce. He has not been able to see his kids. And he has been drinking too much."

Hopefully, Dennis will complete rehab and begin to live a clean and healthy life. That way he can go on with his career. Yeah, I don't know what career I'm talking about either. Feel free to leave your suggestions below.

Brit Brit looks freshly bathed and her weave doesn't look like it's been inhabited by a family of slow rats. I had to say "slow rats," because smarts rats know better than to live in that nest.

This is the first shot of Brit Brit's triumphant return to "How I Met Your Mother." In the episode, airing May 12th, Brit Brit's character falls for Doogie Howser. I mean, who wouldn't fall for him?

Brit issued this statement: "I had such a great experience the last time I was on the show that I couldn't wait to come back. I was really looking forward to working with this cast and crew again. Everyone was so nice. Abby is going to have a lot of fun!"

Who the hell wrote that shit for her? London? He's so eloquent. What Brit Brit meant to say was: "Ahs needed tha money! Cheetos ain't! cheap"

ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are engaged! No! No! No! Scar's rep has confirmed it to People, "They're both thrilled." Yeah, all 4 of them. ScarJo, Ryan and her two enormous chichis.

ScarJo is expected to show off her engagement ring at tonight's Costume Institute Gala at the MET in NYC. Sources say that she can't wait to show it off. Oh please let Alanis Morissette be there too! I need her to gallop up to Ryan and say, "Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" The answer is no, but we don't need to tell Alanis that.

ScarJo also has a shitty album coming out. Coincidence? I think not! Getting engaged is suddenly the new way to promote your album. Mariah Carey....Asshole Simpson....

Lunch time! Pour some fruit over that shit - Hollywood Tuna

Bai Ling really loves to show off her nippies - Egotastic!

Clooney and his call girl invade NYC - Popsugar

Shia LaDouche is growing on me - Just Jared

Ashton Kutcher looking douchier than usual - IDLYITW

The big gay moment on "Brothers and Sisters" - Towleroad

Holly Madison has wonky nipples (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Skanks at the Kentucky Derby - Hollywood Rag

Tommy Girl rocks the stink eye - Cityrag

Harrison Ford & Bruce Willis still get action - A Socialite's Life

Decisions...decisions... It's that very special time to vote for April's Hot Slut of the Month. All of these hot sluts are worthy of the title. Well, most of them are worthy. Here are your choices:

Meagan Taylor aka "Rojo Caliente" - College student who used daddy's money to make one of the worst videos ever made
Bill Kaulitiz - Hedgehog drag queen and lead singer of Tokio Hotel
Tricia Walsh-Smith - YouTube superstar and crazy-eyed scorned wife
Chloe Lattanzi - The dark princess of music

Voting is to the right. The winning slut will be announced on Wednesday. Happy voting!

And the lifetime achievement award in Photoshop skills goes to......anybody who ever airbrushed Mimi! Think of all the thousands of people that have spent thousands of hours airbrushing this woman. They deserve a purple heart or some shit.

You know she's totally having her private wedding pictures photoshopped right now. She probably has a private photoshop studio in all her homes.

White Oprah has been named one of Long Island's Top 20 Moms by Mingling Moms. The organization told OK! Magazine there's nothing really behind it. They just compiled a list of moms of celebrities in the Long Island area. Basically, anybody can be on the list. Too bad Lynne Spears doesn't live in Long Island. She missed out.

A rep said, “We’re just honoring celebrity moms on Long Island. It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.” Other women on the list include Alec Baldwin's mommy, Mariah Carey's mommy, Natalie Portman's mommy and Billy Joel's mommy.

White Oprah is planning to attend the awards ceremony tomorrow. That's if she doesn't get wasted and oversleeps.

I'm sorry, but the only organization that should be allowed to name White Oprah as their "mother of the year" is Anheuser-Busch.